Sunday, August 23, 2015

Top 5 Yale "Bottom Schools"

If there's one thing they teach us over at Yale University, it is to PENETRATE and not be penetrated. Even the girls learn this.

Elihu Yale himself was a *firm* (no pun intended) believer in this philosophy, which is why he established Vassar College as the first "bottom school" to provide delectable bottoms for Elis...

Below, I've decided to rate the Top Five Yale "Bottom Schools" based on a variety of factors including tightness, hair/grooming, smell and general attractiveness. (I speak based on personal experience as well as input from my classmates):

5. Wesleyan University: Wesleyan doesn't wax, but there is nevertheless a beguiling femininity to Wesleyanites that is quite appealing. Rap Genius founder Ilan Zechory nearly married a Wesleyan bottom. The only problem with Wesleyan is that the success of Das Racist has put hygiene very low on the Wesleyan priority list.

4. Vassar College: Vassar was the original "bottom school" for Yale. In fact, there is a tradition that Vassar students may not obtain their physical diplomas before submitting to the Dean of Studies a used condom proving that they have been safely bottomed by an Eli.

3. Tufts University: Many say that the name "Tufts University" originates from the small, shapely tuft of pubic hair that its graduates maintain above their extraordinarily welcoming orifices. At Tufts, students are taught to keep just enough pubic hair to keep their Brooklyn, hipster credibility, without allowing things to get unsanitary.

2. Columbia University: Columbia University is the most prestigious bottom school for Yalies. There is an aura of eminence contained in bottoming a Columbian. Columbia even has its own bottom school - Barnard College - which has led to the motto: "Qui cacumina montium" - loosely translating to "Who Tops the Tops" - as the battlecry of Bulldogs topping Lions.

1. Bard College: It is the "hippie chic" of Bard students that makes them the most enjoyable people for Elis to top. Nobody can make pubic hair less irritating / more agreeable than a Bardian. The devil-may-care attractiveness of these Bard people, combined with their paralyzed prepubescence, that makes Bard the #1 School For Elis To Top for the past 3 years in a row. Congrats!

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