Monday, October 05, 2020

Open Letter to Justin Mateen (Founder of Tinder)

 Dear Justin,


Waddup my ninja! What is crackalating? The last time I saw you was with your mom and brother at the shabu shabu restaurant and I remember I couldn’t stop sweating! Miss you bro - are you still driving the “Tindermobile” G Wagon or did you get Musky with a Tesla?


I have to thank you for making Tinder since I met the love of my life on thurr. Her name is Dana (Persian name!) but she is an American girl. However she has Spanish roots - she speaks the language and dances Flamenco, that is her art. 


She is a Grinnellian - you would love this school! It is like the USC of Iowa. She definitely has a Trojan vibe since she is very aristocratic. Hopefully we can get married like you did homie! I’m trying to get on your level. Congratulations, I hope you are expecting the Tinder baby right now. If you didn’t meet your wife on Tinder and I did, then I think you should give me some of your equity.


I remember how upset you used to get in the early days when you heard anybody say Tinder is a “hookup app” - you were always bragging about all of the emails you get from people who fell in love and got married, which is why I’m writing you this.


One thing you’d really like about Dana is that she’s Jewish but she doesn’t look Jewish, which is also true of the Mateens. I want her to meet your lil bro I think they would vibe! 


Dana is a hardcore Tinderer - she’s not a Bumbler so she’s loyal to you. Her other app was OKCupid, so still keepin it in the Match Group family. But she met her last boyfriend on Tinder and they were together for 4 years! He moved to LA now, he’s in Los Feliz if you want to kick it.


I tell her the big difference between her ex and me is that he swiped RIGHT and I swiped UP. I remember messaging you about “paying to like” in 2012 and you told me it wasn’t feasible - you lied to me foolio! Now, the up-swipe is becoming like a virtual currency. I got Tinder Plus with the extra super likes for one year in February and that’s how I met Dana - it was the best 60 bucks I ever spent!


I swiped up on her because she’s hot, but it caught my eye when I up-swiped that her profile says she dances Flamenco and I thought that sounded cool. Now she is dancing for me on the regular and it makes me feel like a baller Sultan. I swiped up, and now I’m a huge fan of her art! Coincidence? No.


Right-swipers move to Hollywood - they are ACTORS.


It’s too bad you aren’t at Tinder anymore because I have all sorts of ad suggestions about swiping up, since selling those swipes is how Tinder makes money they should start emphasizing the up-swipe now that it has cultural clout. Something like “swiping RIGHT means you’re LIKED, swiping UP means you’re LOVED!”


Anyway, thank you for Tinder dogg. This is a wholesome app - how else could I have met this extraordinary Grinnellian? I doubt we ever would have crossed paths in the normie physical realm. Tinder connects people the same way Facebook does - you are like a Persian Eduardo. I owe you some Ethereum for sure and shabu shabu is on me. Dana is antinatalist but I’m trying really hard to convince her to have my baby. I hope it’s a girl, but maybe if it’s a boy we can name him JUSTIN! That would be Justified.