Thursday, December 18, 2014

Things of Tom's that I want to jack

Tom Lehman is a living, breathing Whole Foods  - all I want to do is steal his shit!

Here is a list of the things I want to steal from Tom, in order of importance:

1) His ladies: I want to steal all of Tom's girls. He gets a lot of blondes with lithe, ballerina-like bodies. I imagine that - after getting battered from Tom's big cartoon penis - they will feel to me like a nicely broken-in baseball mitt.

2) His money: I would guess that Tom has well over a million dollars in his bank account - also his Genius stock is probably worth a lot. Finally, I'm sure his parents have a trust fund tucked away for him somewhere and haven't told him about it yet.

3) His penis: Tom has a giant cartoon penis. It reminds me of Level 4 in Super Mario Brothers. Although I feel like it would be uncomfortable on the elliptical, I would like to have it for at least a year, just to test drive the equipment...

4) His computer:The Apple MacBook Air "Core i7" 1.7 13-Inch (Early 2014/Haswell) features a 22-nm "Haswell" 1.7 GHz Intel "Core i7" processor (4650U) with two independent processor "cores" on a single chip, a 3 MB shared level 3 cache, 4 GB of onboard 1600 MHz LPDDR3 SDRAM (which can be upgraded to 8 GB at the time of purchase, but cannot be upgraded later), 128 GB or 256 GB of PCIe-based flash storage, and an "integrated" Intel HD Graphics 5000 graphics processor that shares system memory.

5) His shoes: I want all of Tom's Prada and Nike - even the ugly ones. I would wear the ugly ones sometimes just to remind myself of him. Tom gave me his Paris Edition Nike Air Max, they are my favorite shoes.

6) His clothes: Tom buys $10K of Melinda Gloss a year - Tom is smaller than I am, but I like everything to fit extra-tight so it's perfect!

7) His vocab: I love the words Tom uses! I wish they were all mine. My favorite is "sartorial" ("suppurate" is pretty good too...)

8) His lineage: Tom's grandpa was in the House of Representatives from Florida. He built the Florida Monorail (Monorail!) (from The Simpsons) -  one time, Tom got furious that the Genius.com annotations on the Simpsons "Monorail" song were not up to snuff, it was funny.

9) His brain: if I could somehow posess Tom's brain outside of his fidgety body...that would be awesome! Like the penis, the brain is big too, inflated. I would probably eat the right side and use the left side to build a social network for finance professionals.