Sunday, July 10, 2016

Charles in Charge

'Leave the room, Alphonse.'
The page left it; but if ever an Alphonse carried plain Bill in his face and figure, that page was the boy.
'I have ventured to call, ma'am,' said Kate, after a few seconds of awkward silence, 'from having seen your advertisement.'
'Yes,' replied Mrs. Wititterly, 'one of my people put it in the paper. Yes.'
'I thought, perhaps,' said Kate, modestly, 'that if you had not already made a final choice, you would forgive my troubling you with an application.'
'Yes,' drawled Mrs. Wititterly again.
'If you have already made a selection-'
'Oh dear no,' interrupted the lady, 'I am not so easily suited. I really don't know what to say. You have never been a companion before, have you?'
Mrs. Nickleby, who had been eagerly watching her opportunity, came dexterously in, before Kate could reply. 'Not to any stranger, ma'am,' said the good lady; 'but she has been a companion to me for some years. I am her mother, ma'am.'
'Oh!' said Mrs. Wititterly, 'I apprehend you.'
'I assure you, ma'am,' said Mrs. Nickleby, 'that I very little thought, at one time, that it would be necessary for my daughter to go out into the world at all, for her poor dear papa was an independent gentleman, and would have been at this moment if he had but listened in time to my constant entreaties and -'
'Dear mama,' said Kate, in a low voice.
'My dear Kate, if you will allow me to speak,' said Mrs. Nickleby, 'I shall take the liberty of explaining to this lady -'
'I think it is almost unnecessary.'
And notwithstanding all the frowns and winks with which Mrs. Nickleby intimated that she was going to say something which would clench the business at once, Kate maintained an expressive look, and for once Mrs. Nickleby stopped upon the very brink of an oration.

'What are your accomplishments?' asked Mrs. Wititterly, with her eyes shut.
Kate blushed as she mentioned her principal acquirements, and Mrs. Nickleby checked them all off, one by one, on her fingers.
'You are a good temper?' asked Mrs. Wititterly, opening her eyes for an instant, and shutting them again.
'I hope so,' rejoined Kate.
'And have a highly respectable reference for everything, have you?'
Kate replied that she had, and laid her uncle's card upon the table.
'Have the goodness to draw your chair a little nearer, and let me look at you,' said Mrs. Wititterly; 'I am so very nearsighted that I can't quite discern your features.'
Kate complied, though not without some embarassment, with this request, and Mrs. Wititterly took a languid survey of her countenance, which lasted some two or three minutes.
'I like your appearance,' said that lady, ringing a little bell. 'Alphonse, request your master to come here.'

Friday, May 20, 2016

My TOP 100 Favorite Wikipedia Pages

I know I'm competing with them now, but just to show my buddy, "Wack"ipedia Cofounder Larry Sanger, that there's no hard feelings , I decided to make a list of my TOP 100 MOST FAVORITEST WIKIPEDIA PAGES. Here they are (in no particular order):

1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bergen-Belsen_concentration_camp
2. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Treblinka_extermination_camp
3. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adolf_Eichmann
4. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sicherheitsdienst
5. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reinhard_Heydrich
6. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Einsatzgruppen
7. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Einsatzkommando (YEEE!)
8. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erich_von_dem_Bach-Zelewski
9. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Waffen-SS
10. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luftwaffe
11. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hermann_G%C3%B6ring
12. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nuremberg_trials
13. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heinrich_Himmler
14. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reichsf%C3%BChrer-SS
15. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Dunkirk
16. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beer_Hall_Putsch
17. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auschwitz_concentration_camp
18. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rudolf_H%C3%B6ss
19. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SS-Totenkopfverb%C3%A4nde
20. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gruppenf%C3%BChrer
21. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heinz_Reinefarth
22. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knight%27s_Cross_of_the_Iron_Cross
23. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wehrmacht
24. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bundeswehr
25. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adolf_Hitler
26. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Untermensch
27. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C3%9Cbermensch
28. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aryan
29. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erwin_Rommel
30. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hauptmann
31. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Holocaust
32. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Final_Solution
33. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gestapo
34. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reich_Main_Security_Office
35. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obergruppenf%C3%BChrer
36. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viktor_Lutze
37. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Volksgemeinschaft
38. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Volksgeist
39. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lebensraum
40. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mein_Kampf
41. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zweites_Buch
42. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andreas_Hillgruber
43. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anne_Frank
44. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Otto_Frank
45. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Margot_Frank
46. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Westerbork_transit_camp
47. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theresienstadt_concentration_camp
48. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Occupation_of_Poland_(1939%E2%80%9345)
49. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Molotov%E2%80%93Ribbentrop_Pact
50. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/German_occupation_of_Czechoslovakia
51. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sudetenland
52. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moravian-Silesian_Region
53. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elie_Wiesel
54. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buchenwald_concentration_camp
55. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jedem_das_Seine
56. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arbeit_macht_frei
57. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jan_Liwacz
58. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mauthausen-Gusen
59. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dachau_concentration_camp
60. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stadelheim_Prison
61. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_von_Heydebreck
62. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Night_of_the_Long_Knives
63. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gregor_Strasser
64. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/V%C3%B6lkisch_movement
65. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nuremberg_Rally
66. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leni_Riefenstahl
67. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julius_Streicher
68. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Der_Giftpilz
69. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/League_of_German_Girls
70. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jungm%C3%A4delbund
71. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baldur_von_Schirach
72. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hitler_Youth
73. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Artur_Axmann
74. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ludwig_Stumpfegger
75.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ravensbr%C3%BCck
76. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schutzstaffel#SS_Women.27s_Corps
77. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ernst_Kaltenbrunner
78. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/War_Merit_Cross
79. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primo_Levi
80. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorenzo_Perrone
81. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yad_Vashem
82. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warsaw_Ghetto_Uprising
83. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judenrat
84. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hannah_Arendt
85. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Au_revoir_les_enfants
86. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mauthausen-Gusen
87. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reinhardt%27s_fund
88. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fritz_Reinhardt
89. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denazification
90. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lutz_Graf_Schwerin_von_Krosigk
91. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wilhelm_Frick
92. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hitler_Cabinet
93. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Konstantin_von_Neurath
94. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Franz_G%C3%BCrtner
95. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Otto_Georg_Thierack
96. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfred_Hugenberg
97. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prussian_Settlement_Commission
98. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kurt_Schmitt
99. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freundeskreis_der_Wirtschaft
100. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carl_Vincent_Krogmann




Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Sharrl Dickeins

Hey Verne,

I was up all of last night hrawd reading Nicholas Nickleby. Hrawd. The book is really just a preliminary - and inferior - sketch in preparation for David Copperfield, but such is the superiority of Dickens to all other writers that if David Copperfield didn't exist, this would be the best book ever.

The two books are built around the same elements: an idealized yet presumably autobiographical central character, forced by circumstance into contact with the lower classes, who comes away from the experience with the opinion that the lower classes are lower for a reason, and they need to stay down there. Philosophically, Dickens is the child of Adam Smith and the parent of Darwin; he expresses the same idea as all three - that our world, though imperfect, is rationally organized by means of competition and self-interest - but demonstrates the idea by a method that is more empirical than the other two: character studies which are as detailed as a journalist's, artistically presented, but pretty honest (although I think he's full of shit about himself).

But while David Copperfield is a masterpiece, and is perfect, this book doesn't have as much to live up to. What a fucking relief. Although it is "officially" considered a work of middle-period Dickens, this book is actually the final product and embodiment of the Early Dickens style - more political, more caricatures, more picaresque - just as David Copperfield signals the birth of Late Dickens.

Nickleby is like Dickens' 800-page proto-Copperfield blog post, with even the kitchen sink thrown in, and a lot less time and care taken in the passages where Dickens pontificates at length on the attractiveness of his own chin. The plot isn't as tight, but its holes and meanderings let in social satire that is even stronger than David Copperfield, written to be read, not in the form of a book, but as a weekly serialization. There's a scene where Nick beats a schoolteacher's ass, fucking awesome. Nick's foxy sister, Kate, is probably Dickens' best young female character; her dialogue is written so well it makes you think Charlie probably had a choach that people don't know about. After all, T.S. Elliot was secretly a woman, just his pen name was George.

What is missing from the altogether richer trove of material that is Early Dickens, is the perfect Dickensization of the Late Dickens style. I didn't come away from this book with nearly as much knowledge about everyone's hairline as I did from David Copperfield. Very disappointing. Artistically, here he is still wannabe Thackeray - extemporizing, moralizing...blogging, in short - and in that arena nobody, not even Big Dick, can make pace with the Peace.

But the Dickens philosophy is all here, undiluted by the constraints of aesthetic perfection and the ideological moderation that comes with age. Class, Dickens tells us, is the expression of Evolution (the New God) in human society. Class structure - being the result of human will, and competition throughout generations of humanity's surnames, noses, chins and hairlines - is logical and should not be fucked with, although the Superman - who I can't imagine being anything but upper-class in Dickens' world - will find class divisions somewhat arbitrary in his own life, and will cross class barriers, at least for a time, just for shits, and to show that he can.

But there is ample room for Jesus in the Dickens class hierarchy as well, which is what makes him the greatest novelist and political philosopher of all time, instead of being relegated as a "Great Douche of World History" like Herbert Spencer. The Jesus Juice is contained in his repeated descriptions of what Jim Scott refers to as the "Hidden Transcript" of politics in society: the embezzling clerk, gossiping seamstress, and cook who's pissing in the turtle soup balances the universal scales of Good and Evil. Dickens believes in a "Noble Savage of the Lower Class" (presented in Nickleby as lovable Smike) who, like his H-class Superman counterpart, can safely transcend social boundaries, so long as he 1) knows his role and 2) finds a Superman Sponsor. If you can't evolve up, says Dickens, then at least evolve sideways, and you've done what you can. That is all ye know, and all ye need to know.

Friday, March 25, 2016

Crazy ass story!!

This baby Shaylyn Ammerman was killed - her dad Justin Ammerman's homie Kyle Parker was arrested - this shit is insane!!! WTF?

Would YOU ever kill your own child??? WOULD YOU???

I think the dad is the one who killed her - his fb posts are hella shady!!!

Thursday, March 10, 2016

25 Random Things About Beneficent Allah

The Dancing Deity fills out the popular chain letter

1. I, too, was once a child.
2. I learned to cook amazing and interesting meals in prison.
3. I love to jet-ski.
4. I'm a fan of Latin music, especially El Jeffrey and Michael Stuart.
5. I love bike riding.
6. My favorite kind of cake is wild honey with motherwort frosting and red locust.
7. I love amertume.
8. I love watching old episodes of Martin and The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
9. I like to go to comedy shows because I love to laugh.
10. A crab once bit me on my bleep when I was swimming in the Bahamas.
11. I collect people.
12. I have more than 2000 chaussures. All expensive.
13. My favorite book is Your Best Life Now by Joel Osteen.
14. I'm a great interior decorator.
15. I like to act silly and play practical jokes with my friends.
16. I do a mean Crip Walk.
17. I love being around family and friends.
18. I want to have a big family one day with four kids. I would never eat any of my children.
19. I love traveling around the world and meeting people. My new favorite place is Croatia.
20. I got a Nintendo Wii for Christmas and am obsessed.
21. I relax by taking hot bubble baths by candlelight.
22. I love money.
23. I enjoy reading my Bible every day.
24. I love anything Hello Kitty.
25. I'm very intelligent.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

This girl is soooo thug!!

Danielle Ceasar is a THUG!!! She was stalking dude and now they are in love - CRAY!!

Monday, January 18, 2016

Thug teacher

I was just reading about Andria James - she is a thug! Locking kids up in the trunk and shit.... dayumn!

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

We have a Winner!

Congrats to Erik Bragg for winning the Powerball! Yeah!

Sunday, January 03, 2016

IF I DIED TONIGHT...

....these would be my seven last words:

1. "please forgive Jimmy Wales that wikipedia sucks.. it was 1999... he knew not how to code"
2. "Travis Moore: soon we will be Ballin in Paradise"
3. "Sam Hamidi-Kazemian please take care of Afsar Moghadam"
4. "Tom Lehman why have you forsaken me!?"
5. "I need some alkaline water pronto!"
6. "Skeet a dick.."
7. "OK Baba Joon..."

ps big ups to Ammon Bundy yeee!

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

How sucks would it be if...

- during your first Winter Break from NYU, you match with Martin Shkreli on Tinder
- he messages you, "Hey, I know a great moroccan spot in Gowanus. they have a delicious tagine. Interested?" You oblige him.
- you fuck in his Williamsburg loft on the first date - afterwards laying in bed you say to him "but honestly why did you raise the price of the AIDS drug Martin??"
- Shkreli's trial is set to start in February, so he insists on taking you on a whirlwind tour of Japan in Janvier, even though it means you'll miss a WEEK OF SCHOOL. He is taking you in his private jet however so you cannot resist. ("it's early in the term," you rationalize.. "I can make it up!")
- Shkreli proposes to you in the Harajuku District. He whispers, "Wendy.. I know I am a man with many faults.. but I want you to be Wendy Shkreli. I love you!"
- Upon returning from Japan you take Shkreli to your house in Dobbs Ferry. You tell everyone the big news!! Shkreli and Jenny's husband really hit it off (they both love The Arcade Fire).
- Andy emails you: "You know Wendy, I had my doubts. But Martin seems like a good man! I believe he is innocent.."
- "All that matters is he makes *you* happy!", Andy writes in a follow-up email.
- Shkreli is sentenced to one year in "Club Fed" and you are allowed conjugal visits twice a week.
- (btw at this point I'm super poor - Genius and Everipedia both failed)
- Shkreli is released from prison and you await him with a nice baby bump - you're at 6 months.
- Shkreli gives the $20M "Norma Shkreli Endowment" to hire new faculty at NYU (named after his grandmother who died in Albania last year).
- The baby is born - it is a boy and you decide, in spite of Jewish laws, to name him Martin Jr. ("Religion be damned! I am my own rabbi!" shouts Martin)
- Martin Jr. screams a lot and breaks things! He has very straight brown hair. You want to take him to a child therapist but your husband forbids it! ("He's not old enough for a therapist!")
- You finish grad school and are immediately appointed Adjunct Professor of English at NYU. Your classmates are very jealous!
- my father dies, his last words are "ah, I wish I could have met your wife Mahbod!"
- you start to think maybe Martin Jr. acts this way because he is so alone, so you and Shkreli try to have another baby. But to no avail! You are barren.. 
- You and Shkreli meet with Stuyvesant; Shkreli really wants Martin Jr. to attend. "I'll build you an Olympic-sized swimming pool!" Shkreli shouts during your meeting with the Registrar (the Registrar gets very nervous..)
- Shkreli has grown tired of living in Brooklyn, so the little family moves in to a big, expensive condominium in Grammercy. "It's so nice being closer to work!" you exclaim.
- By now, Shkreli has started a new biotech company that claims they will discover the key to ETERNAL LIFE! In spite of his checkered past,  he manages to raise over $300M with Andreessen Horowitz leading the round ("Martin has learned from his mistakes", says Ben Horowitz, "and I think he is a world-class CEO".)
- They call you to Stuyvesant one day in the early afternoon - Martin Jr. (he's in 2nd grade now) punched one of the girls in his class and screamed "I'm going to rape you!" The teacher asked him "Martin do you know what that means?"
- You decide to put Martin Jr. in home-study. Although his father still refuses therapy, he agrees that Martin Jr. begin seeing a psychiatrist (Andy gives you a recommendation..)
- there is a Polish girl who babysits for you at $40/hour; you suspect one time she stole clothes from your closet.. you are wary..

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Alexis Ohanian Will Get Popped For Dating Serena WIlliams

People are constantly questioning whether Drake is a thug. Yes, it’s true that he has emotional songs with his mom, is constantly crooning about heartbreak, and that he has those cute puppy dog eyes. However, his last album was 90% beef songs against Birdman and even features a song where Drake is singing about his guns. Drake contains multitudes — he might be an effeminate romance crooner at times, but at other times, he is in fact a fuckin thug. 2Pac was like this too, constantly switching from extremes of sensitivity and ruthlessness — but for some reason, 2pac is primarily remembered only for his thug side, whereas Drake’s thug side is largely hidden in his popular persona.
I think the new relationship between Reddit founder Alexis Ohanian and Drake’s ex-fiancee Serena Williams is going to bring out Drake’s thug side. I wouldn’t be surprised if Alexis ends up getting popped. One of the main reasons this development will anger Drake is that he’s already kinda jealous of tech guys. He has publically stated that, were he not a rapper, he would “probably be in Silicon tryna get [his] millions on..” So Drake has it out for an Alexis-type dude to begin with.
What exacerbates the situation is that Alexis has exactly the dopey kind of face of somebody who really deserves to get popped. He’s always got a stupid grin and I think Drake would be doing us all a favor wiping that shit off his face.

Imagine this dope dating your ex — ugh…
Another factor is that Ohanian is Armenian, and Drake is rumored to be best friends with the Grand Pasha of Turkey, who is a mortal enemy of Armenia. (Drake even performed at the Pasha’s recent birthday ceremony in Vegas!)
However, the main reason why I see an epic beef brewing between Drake and Ohanian is this: Ohanian’s invention, Reddit, is the birthplace of the exact “Drake is Soft” memes that give everyone a lopsided sense of who Drake is. Just because Drake has beautiful eyes — and Redditors don’t listen to music deeply, they only have a superficial understanding of popular songs — Reddit has spawned a plethora of “Drake is Soft” memes that are completely detached from the reality of Drake.

This is how Reddit sees Drake..
Wouldn’t it be ironic — in the Alanis Morissette sense of the term — if the “Soft Guy of Reddit” now pops Reddit’s founder? I hope Ohanian has made enough money from Reddit to hire himself some bodyguards, otherwise the Reddit “liquidity event” might turn out to be a pool of blood!

Please Quora Gimme One More Chance!

Ever since my ex-girlfriend left me because she got mad I was talking shit about her friend who works for Rap Genius on my ask.fm, I have felt an immense, gaping hole in my heart. But, for about a month, that hole was less painful. Then, it got really bad again. And then, I met Sam Kazemian and I got involved in Everipedia… and now, it’s not so bad again…

Yuuuuurrrrrrp! Wait, lets go back to the first time it felt less gaping, before Everipedia. What was filling the “soul hole” that first time, you ask? It was Quora! I had started using Quora to peddle my book from last year, which I self-published as an act of desperation.

When I was at Genius, I always thought of Quora as “THE ENEMY” since both Genius and Quora are crowd knowledge sites. Since we have international branches of Rap Genius, like Rap Genius FranceRap Genius DeutschlandRap Genius Iran, etc., my nickname for Quora was “Rap Genius India” since approximately 99.9999999% of Quora’s users are Indians.

So, I started using Quora out of loneliness, and I intended to be a spammy troll. That was my justification for using the competitor’s website — I thought I’m only here to spam The Enemy with links to my book.

However, bit by bit, I began to become enraptured in the Quora ecosystem. I loved the little Indians asking me questions! Some of them would ask “wait is it really YOU??” and they were really big Rap Genius fans too — I felt like I was teaching English as a Second Language in a New Delhi slum.. I began to feel like Mother Theresa. Indian people are my favorite race — the food, the culture — my love for Indians began to translate into a love for Quora.

Pictured: Maboo with the Quorans

When the “Quora Master” Marc Bodnick messaged me and said they were down to give me a VERIFIED ACCOUNT on Quora, I pretty much shit my pants. I was sooo happy! Ever since I started using the internet, my goal has been to get a verified account on Twitter. That checkmark would mean so much to a famewhore like me. I verified my own account on Rap Genius once and all the sniveling employees got mad and said I’m “watering down” the verification process and made me change it back. So — minus my brief nepotistic excursion on my own website — Quora was the first time I was getting a “celebrity check mark” on any site.

Once Bodnick verified me, I began to go apeshit. I would spend hours and hours on Quora, writing cute, funny troll answers. I wrote an answer to the popular question “What have you done for the first time that felt strange and exciting?” where I described my first time ejaculating and my answer got thousands of upvotes. “Man, I wish Quora had IQ,” I thought to myself, “cause I’d be rolling in it..”
The homie Jeff Meyerson — another “Master Quoran” asked me to be a guest on the Quora podcast  — The Quoracast — and I started to feel like a bona fide celebrity. I started to wonder if maybe Quora would hire me someday.. I could move back to Palo Alto. I missed the Stanford gym so much!
The day after we recorded the Quoracast (in which I was tempted to troll and talk shit, but I held back!) I got into trouble. I dislike Wikipedia cofounder Jimmy Wales because, from what I can tell, he punked his cofounder Larry Sanger, who is the REAL genius behind Wikipedia. Larry is my buddy, he shows Rap Genius a lot of love and is basically the coolest guy ever. Also, Jimmy writes reaaaaaaaally annoying answers on Quora. He writes one-line responses that give no actual information, where he’s trying to be funny and failing miserably. Also his answers are really obnoxious. He responded to “What are Jimmy Wales’ parties like?” by quipping “ordinary cocktails… extraordinary people.” When I read that, I heard him saying it in my head with a snotty British accent — arrrgh! So annoying..

So I started trolling Jimmy, talking shit, then Jimmy got angry and ratted on me to Bodnick, and Bodnick yelled at me. He gave me a “warning”. Then, I Googled Marc and found out he went to Harvard. That’s when I really lost my shit. I decided to go into full-blown “Sepoy Rebellion Mode” against Quora. “Why,” I asked myself, “must these wonderful Indian Quorans be subject to such miserable White Overlords?”

I still ask myself the same question… but I wish I hadn’t blown my shit. I really miss Quora! I miss my verified account, I felt like the “Prince of Quora” — plus I’m sure my Indian fans miss me. I wish Quora would let me back — I would never talk shit about Jimmy again! I don’t care if he is the fake-ass frontman of Wikipedia and is stealing the shine from the ACTUAL founder, I’ll keep my negative feelings to myself.

I understand now that Quora is meant to be a “positivity zone” — negative energy is simply not allowed. In fact, Everipeda has the same policy! Everipedia takes a lot of inspiration from Quora.
So please! Please Marc.. I’m sorry I went to Yale.. I admit Harvard is better.. please Jimmy — gimme one more chance — Jimmy Jimmy gimme one more chance! Take me back guys. I promise I’ll behave this time.

Sunday, November 01, 2015

Peeple Already Exists

The main reason why I fell in love with Everipedia, and asked to join as a cofounder, is that when my brother Sam Kazemian presented it to me at my UCLA talk is, he emphasized that it is geared towards spreading love, knowledge and positivity. Sam made it clear to me that any negativity would not be tolerated on Everipedia; indeed, the Everipedia FAQ stresses a “Zero Tolerance” policy for any negativity or attacks.
I’ve had to deal with a lotttt of negativity and meanness in the press, even though I’m probably the cutest, most lovable guy you have ever met in your life. The Google search for my name has a first result that is A) untrue (I was not fired from Rap Genius, I voluntarily resigned..) and B) really mean. This is in spite of the fact that there is also a lot of very nice, very pleasant stuff about me on the internet, such as this Cosmo interview about how to find your soulmate.
Alas! Google — much like the Peeple app — seems to focus on negativity and hatred. Such is the Hobbesian condition of mankind! However, Everipedia seeks to stand as a beacon against this disturbing tendency in humans to emphasize the negative. On Everipedia, we believe that the only knowledge that is worth sharing — about people, institutions.. anything, really.. — is knowledge that is presented with warmth and friendliness.
If you take a look at my current Everipedia page, (which is not my own work btw — I swear!) it makes me feel very happy and cuddly. The top-voted entry is about stealing from Whole Foods, which is ultimately an act of kindness. Every crumb of food I ever stole from Whole Foods represented sharing with the Masses. I was spreading the love of Whole Foods.. I am basically the “Jesus of Whole Foods”..
The second entry is about Bitcoin, which is going to revolutionize human finance! Whenever I think about Bitcoin, I get a giant grin on my face. Sometimes, I even get a little bit of a boner. I love Bitcoin soooo much — it is probably my 2nd favorite thing ever, in the whole world (after Whole Foods Market, of course).
I challenge you to find a single negative entry on my entire Everipedia. In fact, I challenge you to find anything bad anywhere on the site. It is impossible, because the site repels negativity. Even when Everipedia contains information that is objectively bad — such as famed tech reporter Kara Swisher using her clout to get ass, it is nevertheless always reported with happy-colored glasses on. Everipedia tries to find the goodness in everything, or at least the lessons: that is the motto of our community.
If anybody says anything negative, they are immediately banned for life, and will never be allowed to contribute to the site again.
The founder of the Peeple App, Julia Cordray, has hate gleaming out of her eyes like a fucking cyborg alien.
Before Peeple, Julia was a recruiter, meaning that she was helping nerds find meaningless jobs that would afford them no happiness. If you look carefully upon her, she seems like a person with an infinite capacity to inflict pain.
Julia wears very gross, chunky jewelry, and that is almost always the sign of a wicked person.
Julia went to the University of Calgary, which is known for producing thugs and oil tycoons and sht. University of Calgary’s logo looks kind of like Harvard University’s logo, and Harvard is where basically all evil stuff comes from (the only exception being Facebook which is rad..)




2 of the Everipedia founders, on the other hand, went to UCLA, and the Everipedia HQ is located on UCLA’s campus, and UCLA is a very good, friendly school. The Uber CEO went there and I mean come on, Uber is awesome.
The only evil Everipedia founder is me. I am a terror! All I want to do is create destruction and chaos. However, Everipedia showed me an alternative to the wicked Google of my name. Whereas Googling my own name always made me cry, because of all the mean stuff Google said, looking myself up on Everipedia makes me smile! I love reading people’s supportive comments.
In return, I have committed to Sam to only channel my inherent evilness into loving acts so long as I am a cofounder of Everipedia. Nowadays, whenever I get mad at someone, like my Rap Genius cofounders Tom Lehman and Ilan Zechory, for example, I will simply go to their Everipedia page and add friendly, positive entries, simultaneously gaining IQ points rooted in Love, and therapeutically easing my own anger. Everipedia is basically my Prosac.
Peeple, like Google, wanted to increase the Hobbesian dread of Mankind. They wanted to make us all hate each other more. Everipedia, on the other hand, is a bridge of Unity. It is a home for loving knowledge, for kindness and cohesion, and nothing else.
Shalom Aleynu

Wednesday, September 09, 2015

Poem For Wendy in the STYLE of Wendy

My belly rumbles the message to you Wendy:
Our Paleosporic romance has gone the way of the dodo bird and I'm allergic to airport nuts now.
The herbivore's dilemma has overtaken the instance we made love in Ilan's therapist chair, or sat together in Herman Miller's Aeron.
If it all becomes too much, I'll be in the club with a bottle of bub.
You know how we do: I'll call and bother you late at night, or bother you personally in the morning.
Repetition never goes out of style, and neither does repetition.
If I call, it's just to stalk you. I know there's nothing we can say, certainly not over the phone, I just want to hear "Hey, it's Wendy" and frown.
My dick will always love you.
The first word Wendy Jr. ever learned was water, except in several different languages. The first time she said "ohhhhh" she wasn't even impressed with anything. Is there still
A party going on in Crown Heights? Or did you Uber to another part of Brooklyn.
Whatever you look like, I'm looking to get more serious. It's the skin inside that counts.
I ask only that you let me annotate your shit, stop screenshotting me into oblivion. Stop brushing your teeth, let me do it for you.
I would love to re-enter your life and sleep on the yoga mat of your soul
behind the couch of your pussy. I am your porpoise, I want to dolphin nuzzle you with my knowledgeable fingers.
Here, right now, it's up to you to respond now, but I warn you
If you do respond I'll send you a lot more stupid emails.
I fell in love with you and your sister.
If you see it please belieb it.
If I'm moving too much, tell me to stop moving and I'll try to stop if I can.
The Uber is coming for you, please give your mind to Bard's "raptor museum"
And your body to me, I want it.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Top 5 Yale "Bottom Schools"

If there's one thing they teach us over at Yale University, it is to PENETRATE and not be penetrated. Even the girls learn this.

Elihu Yale himself was a *firm* (no pun intended) believer in this philosophy, which is why he established Vassar College as the first "bottom school" to provide delectable bottoms for Elis...

Below, I've decided to rate the Top Five Yale "Bottom Schools" based on a variety of factors including tightness, hair/grooming, smell and general attractiveness. (I speak based on personal experience as well as input from my classmates):

5. Wesleyan University: Wesleyan doesn't wax, but there is nevertheless a beguiling femininity to Wesleyanites that is quite appealing. Rap Genius founder Ilan Zechory nearly married a Wesleyan bottom. The only problem with Wesleyan is that the success of Das Racist has put hygiene very low on the Wesleyan priority list.

4. Vassar College: Vassar was the original "bottom school" for Yale. In fact, there is a tradition that Vassar students may not obtain their physical diplomas before submitting to the Dean of Studies a used condom proving that they have been safely bottomed by an Eli.

3. Tufts University: Many say that the name "Tufts University" originates from the small, shapely tuft of pubic hair that its graduates maintain above their extraordinarily welcoming orifices. At Tufts, students are taught to keep just enough pubic hair to keep their Brooklyn, hipster credibility, without allowing things to get unsanitary.

2. Columbia University: Columbia University is the most prestigious bottom school for Yalies. There is an aura of eminence contained in bottoming a Columbian. Columbia even has its own bottom school - Barnard College - which has led to the motto: "Qui cacumina montium" - loosely translating to "Who Tops the Tops" - as the battlecry of Bulldogs topping Lions.

1. Bard College: It is the "hippie chic" of Bard students that makes them the most enjoyable people for Elis to top. Nobody can make pubic hair less irritating / more agreeable than a Bardian. The devil-may-care attractiveness of these Bard people, combined with their paralyzed prepubescence, that makes Bard the #1 School For Elis To Top for the past 3 years in a row. Congrats!

Sunday, May 03, 2015

how cool would it be if...

- you start NYU, every month either I visit or you visit
- after a year, you decide it is just TOO MUCH and you transfer to USC
- at USC, you switch to film PhD cause that's the meme
- I sell my UCLA condo and buy one of the fancy new condos in DTLA; at first, you spend weekends over, but then you get into a fight w one of your roommates because he ate your gluten free whatever, and you move in - we get married
- Jenny transfers to USC too for psychology or whatever
- Andy retires from columbia and takes an emeritus position at USC
- the year of your dissertation, you get pregnant with baby wendy
- baby is born, we name her wendy jr.
- (btw at this point I'm super rich)
- you get a teaching job at UCLA, we move into a house in calabassas (little wendy is getting RESTLESS in the condo! breaking lots of stuff)
- you like calabassas because it's the "dobbs ferry of los angeles" ("DF of LA" as we like to call it)
- Jenny's husband is a tech nerd by now, she moves to SF (she teaches at Santa Clara University)
- I stay home and raise wendy jr.
- she basically looks like you except with darker skin! I start teaching her piano
- we have another baby - also a daugher - and decide to name her Jenny Jr., just to match (jenny gets kinda mad because of the Jewish Law but she also kinda thinks it is cute, she ends up building a very close bond with Jenny jr.)
- by now it is time for Wendy Jr. to start school, so we send her to viewpoint
- my father dies, his last words are "I'm so happy I saw wendy jr. and jenny jr., mahbod, I wish I could see them when they get married"
- both of them look like you, but wendy jr. is dark and jenny is fair, so I generally think of wendy more as my baby
- jenny jr. COMPLETELY shunned the notion of learning piano I was deeply hurt
- wendy jr. goes to UCLA - I remember the day she got in I was sooo proud! also so happy she is going there because it probably means she'll marry a persian guy, which I want
- jenny jr. goes to stanford to be close to her aunt - those girls!
- wendy jr. dresses like you - some vince, nothing too crazy
- jenny is always like "daddy buy this daddy buy that!" - she's really going overboard! so materialist...
- marcy teaches yoga now in santa monica at Core Power Yoga
- baby darya babysits for us I pay her $15/hour - she wants 20 but I think that's insane...

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Things of Tom's that I want to jack

Tom Lehman is a living, breathing Whole Foods  - all I want to do is steal his shit!

Here is a list of the things I want to steal from Tom, in order of importance:

1) His ladies: I want to steal all of Tom's girls. He gets a lot of blondes with lithe, ballerina-like bodies. I imagine that - after getting battered from Tom's big cartoon penis - they will feel to me like a nicely broken-in baseball mitt.

2) His money: I would guess that Tom has well over a million dollars in his bank account - also his Genius stock is probably worth a lot. Finally, I'm sure his parents have a trust fund tucked away for him somewhere and haven't told him about it yet.

3) His penis: Tom has a giant cartoon penis. It reminds me of Level 4 in Super Mario Brothers. Although I feel like it would be uncomfortable on the elliptical, I would like to have it for at least a year, just to test drive the equipment...

4) His computer:The Apple MacBook Air "Core i7" 1.7 13-Inch (Early 2014/Haswell) features a 22-nm "Haswell" 1.7 GHz Intel "Core i7" processor (4650U) with two independent processor "cores" on a single chip, a 3 MB shared level 3 cache, 4 GB of onboard 1600 MHz LPDDR3 SDRAM (which can be upgraded to 8 GB at the time of purchase, but cannot be upgraded later), 128 GB or 256 GB of PCIe-based flash storage, and an "integrated" Intel HD Graphics 5000 graphics processor that shares system memory.

5) His shoes: I want all of Tom's Prada and Nike - even the ugly ones. I would wear the ugly ones sometimes just to remind myself of him. Tom gave me his Paris Edition Nike Air Max, they are my favorite shoes.

6) His clothes: Tom buys $10K of Melinda Gloss a year - Tom is smaller than I am, but I like everything to fit extra-tight so it's perfect!

7) His vocab: I love the words Tom uses! I wish they were all mine. My favorite is "sartorial" ("suppurate" is pretty good too...)

8) His lineage: Tom's grandpa was in the House of Representatives from Florida. He built the Florida Monorail (Monorail!) (from The Simpsons) -  one time, Tom got furious that the Genius.com annotations on the Simpsons "Monorail" song were not up to snuff, it was funny.

9) His brain: if I could somehow posess Tom's brain outside of his fidgety body...that would be awesome! Like the penis, the brain is big too, inflated. I would probably eat the right side and use the left side to build a social network for finance professionals.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

ALL I WANT....

is a skinny girlfriend under 25 that doesn't eat dairy or gluten, doesn't smoke with an active social media presence who went to an elite school and speaks foreign languages and shaves her box working in art or fashion or tech with different colored hair and eyes who has rich parents - is that REALLY so much to ask??

Wednesday, May 07, 2014

THINGS I CANT DO IF I HAVE TO PEE EVEN JUST A LITTLE BIT

- Sleep

 - Work Out

 - Make Love

Basically anything fun!

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

Pimples Went Away!!!!

Not sure if it is because I take Chinese herbs or because I bake the living shit out of my forehead with the S4 sunroof open every day at noon. Still some crispy bumps but nothing swollen or too pimply.

Man... I don't even know if I can write a verse anymore, but I would really smang that Kukukadoo! I suppose I have to earn it however.

You don't even need to pop that shit for pimp anymore baby! Come baaack

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Poem for TheSillySully


your tumblr is your blog
an oral history
tatted on the internet so I know it's real

your pinterest style is childlike sexuality.
Althea someday will look here
to make a scrapbook.
it will cost tens of thousands to purchase
the vision you have wrought

your instagram is the pipes and
filters of your delicate web presence

your twitter is a black girl's twitter
with chocolate skin and dark green eyes

your eyes don't seem to fit
framed in the web of your brow

your neck is a long cathode ray tube
- or ethernet connection.
you are a vintage girl
obsessed with antiques

your vine is still high-concept, early stage
a portent of the internet-to-come

your tinder is deactivated
in accordance with the rules of Islam.

your facebook is gnarled and
chewed up. yesterday's toy, nothing
remains here but a timeline of
alluring photos to show outsiders

your snapchat is the highest art.
I'm fond of seeing you rest on your pillow
before the snap diffuses.
an intimacy outdone only by
exploring your back
with my fingers in real life
on the very same snapchat pillow,
or imagining your singing voice
on the old-fashioned telephone

Most Heartbreaking Thing you can say to Iranian Jewish Boy

"We are sooo far from me coming to Shabbat, trust me..."

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Water patrol

SCENE: Ralphs of Utah (they call it "Smith's")

LADY: Wow! Thirsty!

tries to hand me receipt

BENEFICENT ALLAH: it's cool I don't need the receipt

LADY: OK you sure?? I don't want...the WATER POLICE to give you any trouble at the door! Hah!

Fuck around w/yayo

Mike Naboddy: Dogg, you can't just offer a girl coke. You have to feel around.

Beneficent Allah: And how do you do that?

MN: You ask...you know... "do you party?"

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

ode to my stillborn twin sister

I have no doubt I would have fucked
Your sexy friend and had her tell you
About the handprints left on her ass
"Please, stop, I don't want
To hear it" you would say

Your hair would be fine, but your eyelashes
And legs - flawless - you'd insist on Manolos
After laser hair removal
You would fearlessly bare your *poitrine*
(not unlike your brother)

You would have gone
To Stanford
Too skinny, too poor of circulation
To accompany Mahbod East

Your weakness for almond butter
Late at night
Would guilt you out of breakfast
After nights spent drinking

Your commitment to Zumba
And Soulcycle would inspire
Me not to eat

You'd sport hand-me-downs
From big sister Mastaneh
As if you're still an 80's teenager
In 2010, and consider cousin Maryam
Your style icon

Monday, December 10, 2012

Dreidel dreidel

LITTLE JUSTIN: Mahbod... are you still going out with...that blonde girl?
BENEFICENT ALLAH: Justin you mean Katie? You forgot her name?
LITTLE JUSTIN: No, umm...


He meant Betsy!

I dunno it made me feel pemp....

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Annoying Alpha Meme

- "Now what do I know? I just sell stocks for a living, but... (bla bla bla internet doomed to fail)" (ACTUALLY A TRADER AT GOLDMAN SACHS HONG KONG)

- "Now what do I know? I just sell cars for a living, but... (bla bla bla internet doomed to fail)" (ACTUALLY OWNS ALL THE MITSUBISHI DEALERSHIPS IN SOUTHERN FLORIDA)

Sunday, September 02, 2012

"I don't want to fuck, Beneficent Allah"

Girls have a lot of reasons for not wanting to fuck the BENEFICENT Allah. Some of the most oft-heard:

- "I don't want to submit to Islam"
- "I think you're gay"
- "You're not the rich text you once were"
- "I want to be sure you'll marry me"
- "My family hates you"
- "I'm too focused on my R&B career to fuck at the moment"

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Biography of Anxious Phantom Limbs

My first anxiety phantom limb was the shooting pain in my elbow during Academic Decathlon. I thought that my arm was going to fall off. Brain quiz would make it go nuts.

Then I didn't have an anxiety phantom limb for a long time.

My second anxiety phantom limb was the quiver at the top of a breath while I was working at the law firm because I was eating too much chocolate.

My third anxiety phantom limb was the eye twitch when I was stealing tree nuts from Andronico's to survive.

My fourth anxiety phantom limb is going to kill me. My chest thinks I only have one lung and tightens. I think my Baba had a heart attack from the same phantom limb, except he didn't have a heart attack, he just thought he had it.


Monday, August 27, 2012

Esphawnee Soirée

I was wandering around aimlessly last night when my friend Esphawnee called to invite me and Ben N. to an Esphawnee family dinner celebrating his sister's birthday.

For the uninitiated, let me explain: Esfehan was Iran's ancient capital, and they still haven't gotten over it. They have beautiful buildings, and the people are known for being light-skinned and sneaky. Esphawnee Jews are known for being extra-sneaky.

Stepping into an Esphawnee household is like entering an alternate universe; the last are first, and the world turns upside-down. The very adjective "Esphawnee" - a grave insult in a Hamedooni home like mine - becomes the highest compliment.

Needless to say, after 8 years of friendship, meeting Esphawnee's family was an encounter of Dickensian proportion. Meeting his dad, whom I've quoted on this blog, was epic: completely bald, yet arguably the best-looking man I have ever seen, with piercing, baby-blue eyes.

For the birthday cake ceremony, after singing the song in English and Persian, the entire family produced a deafening hum that grew louder and louder over the course of five minutes, ending with an uncle smearing a healthy dollop of chocolate frosting on the birthday girl's nose. Apparently this was something they did all the time. It was all really cute, I felt like Margaret Meade.

As for Esphawnee's sister, well, I shouldn't say too much; it was only her 18th birthday. But you can imagine...quite pretty. My favorite part was that she wore a t-shirt, black tights and ballet slippers, with everyone else in coats and ties. And she sat on her brother's lap for all of tea, attentively listening to him go on about the pitfalls of adjustable-rate commercial mortgages.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Memes/People/Race


NB: I'm not a racist I'm a RACIALIST

- Russian woman, 40s: "Very nice glasses, BCBG Max Azaria, my insurance covered very good"

- Armenian girl, 20s: "I do marketing for a mortgage company"

- White girl, 20s, in nyc: "I couldn't live ANYwhere else!" and/or "I'm definitely a Carrie"

- Jewish girl, college, in paris, semester abroad: "J'ADORE le felafel!"

- White girl, 20s, in nyc: "I don't even HAVE a driver's license!"

- White I-banker guy: "Rosa Mexicana is great...delicious...she can get a salad...I'll get a burrito..."

- American college girl in italy, semester abroad: "Look at this purse!" and/or "I could LIVE off gelato"

Monday, June 11, 2012

Ten Reasons To Blog


All I ever hear is "you're using your blog as an SEO scam! You're using your blog as an SEO scam! Are you beta or something?"

I blog for LOTS of reasons ok? Par exemple:

10. Katie Kadue
9. #pussymoneyweed
8. Thereauvian Idyl
7. Tom Lehman
6. Warren Buffett
5. Networking/"Building"
4. Respect
3. SEO Scam
2. Cash
1. "Jouissance"

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Beneficent Allah: Brooklyn Hygiene Edition

WHY I NEVER FEEL CLEAN IN NYC

- Water burns you when it is lukewarm (bc of poison algae)

- Bathroom tiles have screaming faces floating inside

- Puffy face makes it harder to clean the nooks and crannies

- Mirror/lighting makes me look so old!

- Rolling Tom a blunt makes my mouth taste like a garbage can

- There's only so many pairs of non-jeans pants a man can soil in a week....

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

It Felt Pimp To Say

Sister: Have you gotten taller?

Beneficent Allah: No - richer

(rire)

Sunday, January 08, 2012

Twitterjack

"B is for Bibi! A is for Arafat!" - Felafel stand owner who got a "B" in health inspection

Sunday, January 01, 2012

Typical Goldman Sachs Interview Question

"What is the smallest container that would adequately fit the compressed ashes from all 6 million Jews burned in the Holocaust?"

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Starving Child Loves RG

Hey Rap genius,
i surely adore what you do with lyrics and rap.
I am a boy living in kenya ,africa and fell in love with hip hop when i was nine years old,i rap and record myself with a mobile phone with beats from the internet...i have tried placing my raps on rap genius but they keep telling me you tube url needed..i have tried all i can with my phone to place my song in you tube but it seems my phone does not have the strength..i was wondering if you can help if someone could place a URL FROM another easy site or i send you my recording you change it to a video then you send it back to me..pliz im in a remote area i cant acess any computers..sorry for spending your time..thank you

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Rap Genius HQ

BEST PARTS ABOUT LIVING AT 184 KENT DEATH STAR VORTEX

- The viewwww!!!

- Heating system designed to make you feel no heat/cold

- Doorman Garfield Rock pedals the elliptical for me in the gym

- Kitchen furnished with predigested proteins and granite countertops

- Bathrooms feature a penis desensitizer

- 12 foot ceilings

- Daily building colonic available at 9

- Walk-in closet is PERFECT SIZE for the specter of ancestral memory

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Best new pick-up line:

"Let's explore memes together.."

Friday, August 26, 2011

#1 Wish

For my birthday, all I want this year is a phatic Phillippe watch

Monday, November 29, 2010

Who Tweeted It?

Kate Riley or Karl Lagerfeld.

1. "'shoegasm': everything I don't get about being female in one gross word"

2. "forgiveness is too easy. I can forget by indifference, but not forgive. I prefer revenge."

3. "scarves are just beards for girls!"

4. "the french say you get hungry when you’re eating, and I get inspired when I’m working. It’s my engine."

Answer bank: Kate Riley (@bubblebathos), Karl Lagerfeld (@karl_lagerfeld)

Thursday, October 07, 2010

Obsession for Men

Katie: You only think about working out! The only thing you care about is working out!

Beneficent Allah: ...

Friday, September 24, 2010

You down with DDT?

A lady at the Hoaf today was like "soft-skinned fruits have to be organic, because the pesticides - they kill fungus! - and they seep in! Your food is killing living things!"

Kills fungus, eh? Where can I buy this "pesticide" you speak of? Do they sell it in the bulk bins? Can I sprinkle it on my bran flakes?

Friday, September 10, 2010

Lobsters & Coconuts (AND cocaine!!)

Shared some basil with Matt aka "Lobsters & Cocaine" tonight.. he's moved into my old room chez Luther in order to feel guilted into losing weight. (It's working!)

Remember Luther was a Marine..

After dinner, we passed a gelateria:

Matt: You never just.. want a sundae??

No, Matt, because ice cream is not food..

When I'm feeling naughty, what I DO want to eat is:

- $25 of tomatoes

- 5 pounds of carrots

- All the loquats from a giant tree for the whole year.. at once

- A Gallon of my own urine

- A Bathtub of kelp noodles

- A life-sized salmon sashimi sculpture shaped like a thin, sexy girl

- 40 mg of Adderall

- "Young Coconut Snowman"

Anything that's food! Not ice cream..

Monday, May 31, 2010

Rap Genius HQ

(SCENE: Rap Genius HQ, East Village, NYC)

Tom: I wonder what life would be like if I were a woman! I wonder!

(enter Liz)


Tom: Hello Liz! Do you want to go shopping for women's underwear? We are, after all, both women!

Liz: This is true! I see no reason why we both couldn't go out and buy some women's underwear!

Tom: Nor do I!


Later...

(enter the ACTUAL God)

Actual God: Are you doing anything tonight, Tom?

Tom: Why no - besides going out with a strapping young man such as yourself!

Actual God: Excellent! Shall we say, nineish?

Tom: It's a date!

Friday, May 28, 2010

You can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery if..

- You have a tattoo (EXCEPTIONS: 1. Numbers from the Holocaust 2. Anything really cute)

- You've ever said, "The porkbelly is delicious! So tender.."

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Loq'ed out

[To the tune of Gucci Mane's "Never Too Much Money"]

I can't stop, I won't stop, I keep eating loquats
Never too much, never too much loquats
I woke up gummin', lips feeling swollen
Never too much, never too much loquats!

Seriously though, anybody have calorie info on these things?

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Top 10 comp. lit. mixer pick-up lines

1. So are you girls into theory?

10. Would you rather be degraded? Or doted on? Is that the same thing?

Thursday, April 22, 2010

The worst part about skinny jeans

- Make my thighs look fat?

- Difficult to change into gym shorts standing up?

- Confused sexuality will lead us the way of the dodo bird?

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Meditations on Obamacare

I was talking to a Persian Dentist Friend of mine today about the historic health care bill; he filled me in on what "le monde dentale" thinks about the legislation.

EXCERPT:

All of the new dental thinking is about floss;
In this it resembles the thinking from the pre-invasive
age of traditional dentistry. The idea, for example,
that inter-dental plaque is far more ruinous
than what forms on the surface.
That even toothbrush motion probing the gum line
at a suitable angle and pressure is, by its nature,
limited to a superficial scrubbing of our least
vulnerable enamel. Or the other notion that,
because there is in this world no one time
at which it is ideal to floss, a Kroger's
in one's pocket signifies sound hygienic habits.
We talked about it during an old man's root canal -
the dental hygienist and I - as she noted
the decay hidden behind his pearly surface.
After a while, I understood that, without floss,
brushing this way, everything dissolves: wisdom,
incisor, premolar and molar. There was a woman
whose teeth I cleaned and I remembered how, holding
the water pick in my hands sometimes,
I felt a violent sense of impotence (for I had
told her to floss and gargle with salt before bed.
She would not listen). Tilapia, broccoli, a granola bar
and muddy chunk of Toblerone, un-removed since their
consumption yet she would not floss. It hardly takes any time.
Lodging, we say, because the mouth is full
of endless crevices - her breath smelled as it tastes.
But I remember so much, the way her back teeth trapped oats,
the way that bits of carrot agitated her swollen gums.

There are moments when the mouth is as numinous
as words, days gums do not bleed. And yet such tenderness
as flossing may engender is well worth the power to
remove blackberry, toast, and other food particulates.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Top 10 failed St Patrick's day pick up lines

10. Am I wearing tighter pants than you?

9. So what's Gucci Mane's real name?

8. I'll give you $20 to talk to me for 30 minutes.

7. Want to see a picture of my ex-girlfriend's leg right after yoga?

6. Do you think the waitress is anorexic?

5. Let me guess: Korean

4. Yea, so I write for this T.V. show, Californication. Pretty popular, actually.

3. Belinda...such a beautiful name

2. How many $100 bills do I have in my pocket? Take a guess.

1. I'm Persian Jewish...but I consider myself an Islamophile..

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Vork Product

They say that money doesn't make a man...so I've decided to return the favor. As the Germans say, "if you love your arbeit set it frei"

As a dernier thug life I decided to post my final billable memo. (Keeping the client secret but hint: rhymes with "Ballstate")


MEMORANDUM

DATE: May 31, 2009

TO: Ballstate Insurance Company

FROM: The Beneficent Allah



RE: Likely Candidates for Earth Inheritance


I. Introduction



You have asked me to analyze which species has a "more-likely-than-not" probability of Inheriting the Earth ("Inheritance"), and the ramifications of said Inheritance on the Life and P+C insurance industries.

II. Facts

Although a fungal Inheritance is a reasonable market assumption, insects and several probiotic species are potential rivals whose chances of success should be contemplated.

A. Fungus and Probiotics

In addition to the beauty of mushrooms, fungi provide a critical part of nature's continuous rebirth by recycling dead organic matter into useful nutrients. However, although credit market conditions have temporarily grounded certain parasitic fungi, notable fungologists have argued that the parasite is arguably the future's fungus.

The fruit of Basidiomycota is the mover to watch. Many mushrooms in this phylum look like umbrellas growing from the ground or like shelves growing on wood. The latticed stinkhorn, in particular, has seen an unprecedented era of caloric devlopment and could emerge from the market freeze as a leader.


B. Meek

The Meek are unlikely to Inherit the Earth.

C. Insects

Insects are currently going through what is referred in financial theory as a "molting cycle." Deep insect divisons are currently taking place on a cellular level and cells are most sensitive to "vorm" when they are dividing. (This is why vorm therapy is effective in treating cancer.)

The so-called "Molting Diversion" presents a serious threat to continued insectual dominance, making the insect an unwise investment focus for the time being.

III. Recommendation

Based on the above, I recommend that fungal policies be routinely analyzed as part of the actuarial data analysis process, as well as the appointment of a "Chief of Fungal Marketing" in the New York office.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Bars Deuce

NY Bar: "Oh, walk through Hell's Kitchen! Pull-ups on the jungle gym! I find the squalor so romantic...I should blog this...quel artiste! I have to wear a wristband overnight like in Nazi times! MmmmMMMmm!!"

Fuck Jew York. I'm taking the CA bar in the Century Plaza Hotel...I finished 1 1/2 hours early, ordered a salmon sashimi from the bar, went out and lounged topless by the pool...Arab women sunned themselves as their children bathed in chlorine and the BENEFICENT Allah!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Some Bar

(Scene: A and/or the bar...Any bar)

Beneficent Allah: Tom I do hope that you won't simply flitter away this evening as you are often wont to do.

Tom: I'm just feeling so...letharj, Beneficent Allah.

BA: Bother! What could it be?...aha! Stick out your tongue. Hmmm...now if I know anything about anything, that tonguescruff means Worm. And Worm means Company, and Company means Food and Listening-to-me-Humming and such like.

Tom: Food. Yes, maybe some food will do the trick! What about a mouthful of something? And look here, I've got some de-liii-cious sangwiches for us! Apple or carrot with your sangwich, Beneficent Allah?

BA: Both! But...(so as not to seem greedy)...don't bother about the sangwich, please.

Tom: And for you, vorm?

Worm: I'll have just a sangwich, please. And if Beneficent Allah won't be having his...

BA: (bites into carrot) MMMMmmmmM! A tasty carrot, Directly Fresh! Freshly Direct! I...I haven't had a tasty carrot for so long...

Tom: And why's that?

BA: Well...I've alchemized my old sambar concoction into a New and Tasty Sambar Treat Consisting of:

2 leaves Kombu Kelp
2 cups'Eau
1 cup o' dash o' Flax (Homemade)
1 cup Chamomile
1 cup Tea/Tilo & Tilleul
1/4 cup Thyme
3 Hoafish Wasabees
Too Much Coriander, Cayenne and Curry
Not Enough Chickpeas
a Turnip or So
Pinch of Motherwort
Hint of Nutmeg, and...
The Day's Tea Leaves
all Bouilled together until I grow impatient. I can't get enough!

Tom: Sounds delicious, Beneficent Allah.

BA: Would you care to try it? Perhaps you could come over later tonight (and you too Worm!) and we'll make an evening of it, blaze on the rooftop...

Worm: Why Beneficent Allah! Offering me, an intestinal worm, a Poisonous Sambar!

(enter The ACTUAL God)

Tom: And how are you, Actual God?

Actual God: Not very how...I don't seem to have felt at all how for a long time.

BA: Dear, dear. I'm sorry about that. Now turn about, let's have a look at you.

(dainty pirouette)

BA: Charming...spitting image of your mother!

AG: And can we see the back of you, My Dear Old Allah?

(spritely spin)

AG: Why Beneficent Allah, what's happened to your hair?

BA: What has happened to it?

AG: It isn't there!

BA: Are you sure?

AG: Well, either hair is there or it isn't there You can't make a mistake about it. And yours isn't there!

BA: Then what is?

AG: Nothing.

(.....)

BA: Let's have a look (circles to where his hair had been a little while ago) Sigh...I believe you're right.

AG: Of course I'm right.

BA: That accounts for a Good Deal. It explains Everything. No Wonder.

AG: You must have left it somewhere.

BA: Somebody must have taken it.

AG: How Like Them.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Quel Caractère!

I passed the moral character and fitness requirements and I'm really a lawyer now, swear to bob. It was easy, you just need to do 20 pull-ups, 10 min. erg and some precor...

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Subtle Memes

This blog is heretofore devoted to subtle memes. Let's set us off:

1) People who talk about Kermit Roosevelt - from a historical perspective - with a perfectly straight face, as if it's not hilarious that his name is Kermit Roosevelt i.e. "Kermit Roosevelt was a principal architect of detente! Kermit Roosevelt was a raging alcoholic!" etc...

2) Telling a story where you implicitly demonstrate your knowledge that Al Gore and Gore Vidal are related, but no "Did you know they are related?" as if to say "Of course I know that they are related, as does everyone who I communicate with. If it were news to me or any of my audience, I would be working at The New Republic, not the New Yorker..."

e.g. "Gore Vidal gave a prescient speech at Al and Tipper's wedding on the future of globalization..." e.g. "Obvi Gore was at their wedding! they are related..."