Wednesday, May 07, 2014

THINGS I CANT DO IF I HAVE TO PEE EVEN JUST A LITTLE BIT

- Sleep

 - Work Out

 - Make Love

Basically anything fun!

Saturday, March 15, 2014

SGUCCI!

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

Pimples Went Away!!!!

Not sure if it is because I take Chinese herbs or because I bake the living shit out of my forehead with the S4 sunroof open every day at noon. Still some crispy bumps but nothing swollen or too pimply.

Man... I don't even know if I can write a verse anymore, but I would really smang that Kukukadoo! I suppose I have to earn it however.

You don't even need to pop that shit for pimp anymore baby! Come baaack

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Poem for TheSillySully


your tumblr is your blog
an oral history
tatted on the internet so I know it's real

your pinterest style is childlike sexuality.
Althea someday will look here
to make a scrapbook.
it will cost tens of thousands to purchase
the vision you have wrought

your instagram is the pipes and
filters of your delicate web presence

your twitter is a black girl's twitter
with chocolate skin and dark green eyes

your eyes don't seem to fit
framed in the web of your brow

your neck is a long cathode ray tube
- or ethernet connection.
you are a vintage girl
obsessed with antiques

your vine is still high-concept, early stage
a portent of the internet-to-come

your tinder is deactivated
in accordance with the rules of Islam.

your facebook is gnarled and
chewed up. yesterday's toy, nothing
remains here but a timeline of
alluring photos to show outsiders

your snapchat is the highest art.
I'm fond of seeing you rest on your pillow
before the snap diffuses.
an intimacy outdone only by
exploring your back
with my fingers in real life
on the very same snapchat pillow,
or imagining your singing voice
on the old-fashioned telephone

Most Heartbreaking Thing you can say to Iranian Jewish Boy

"We are sooo far from me coming to Shabbat, trust me..."

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Water patrol

SCENE: Ralphs of Utah (they call it "Smith's")

LADY: Wow! Thirsty!

tries to hand me receipt

BENEFICENT ALLAH: it's cool I don't need the receipt

LADY: OK you sure?? I don't want...the WATER POLICE to give you any trouble at the door! Hah!

Fuck around w/yayo

Mike Naboddy: Dogg, you can't just offer a girl coke. You have to feel around.

Beneficent Allah: And how do you do that?

MN: You ask...you know... "do you party?"

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

ode to my stillborn twin sister

I have no doubt I would have fucked
Your sexy friend and had her tell you
About the handprints left on her ass
"Please, stop, I don't want
To hear it" you would say

Your hair would be fine, but your eyelashes
And legs - flawless - you'd insist on Manolos
After laser hair removal
You would fearlessly bare your *poitrine*
(not unlike your brother)

You would have gone
To Stanford
Too skinny, too poor of circulation
To accompany Mahbod East

Your weakness for almond butter
Late at night
Would guilt you out of breakfast
After nights spent drinking

Your commitment to Zumba
And Soulcycle would inspire
Me not to eat

You'd sport hand-me-downs
From big sister Mastaneh
As if you're still an 80's teenager
In 2010, and consider cousin Maryam
Your style icon

Monday, December 10, 2012

Dreidel dreidel

LITTLE JUSTIN: Mahbod... are you still going out with...that blonde girl?
BENEFICENT ALLAH: Justin you mean Katie? You forgot her name?
LITTLE JUSTIN: No, umm...


He meant Betsy!

I dunno it made me feel pemp....

Friday, November 30, 2012

DATE with Beneficent Allah


Once you're madd rich, it's amazing, there's lots of thin girls who are down to eat sushi with you, make out with you.. nutts seem to get even more rare though, which is counterintuitive unless you're from the jungle. You miiiiight get a handjob.. which is fine with me because I like to be kissing when I ejaculate.

The dates become formulaic too, especially with the BENEFICENT Allah. It's the same formula I've been using since I started blogging, really.. I guess I've perfected it now. Girls seem to like it but I'm getting bored..

- Do you know what a Gettier is? etc etc Gettiers are the existentialism to the Meme's essentialism.

- Oh you're going to Paris? You gotta hang out with my boy Remi! Here let me show you his youtube (sorry I know it's bad to show things on the internet bla bla): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGJgCrF0OGk

- Have you seen The Jew Map?

- This is one of my favorite drives in Los Angeles, there are points where you can see all the lights of the Valley and all the lights of 310..

- Evian doesn't taste good but that's why it's good for your skin.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Annoying Alpha Meme

- "Now what do I know? I just sell stocks for a living, but... (bla bla bla internet doomed to fail)" (ACTUALLY A TRADER AT GOLDMAN SACHS HONG KONG)

- "Now what do I know? I just sell cars for a living, but... (bla bla bla internet doomed to fail)" (ACTUALLY OWNS ALL THE MITSUBISHI DEALERSHIPS IN SOUTHERN FLORIDA)

Sunday, September 02, 2012

"I don't want to fuck, Beneficent Allah"

Girls have a lot of reasons for not wanting to fuck the BENEFICENT Allah. Some of the most oft-heard:

- "I don't want to submit to Islam"
- "I think you're gay"
- "You're not the rich text you once were"
- "I want to be sure you'll marry me"
- "My family hates you"
- "I'm too focused on my R&B career to fuck at the moment"

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Biography of Anxious Phantom Limbs

My first anxiety phantom limb was the shooting pain in my elbow during Academic Decathlon. I thought that my arm was going to fall off. Brain quiz would make it go nuts.

Then I didn't have an anxiety phantom limb for a long time.

My second anxiety phantom limb was the quiver at the top of a breath while I was working at the law firm because I was eating too much chocolate.

My third anxiety phantom limb was the eye twitch when I was stealing tree nuts from Andronico's to survive.

My fourth anxiety phantom limb is going to kill me. My chest thinks I only have one lung and tightens. I think my Baba had a heart attack from the same phantom limb, except he didn't have a heart attack, he just thought he had it.


Monday, August 27, 2012

Esphawnee Soirée

I was wandering around aimlessly last night when my friend Esphawnee called to invite me and Ben N. to an Esphawnee family dinner celebrating his sister's birthday.

For the uninitiated, let me explain: Esfehan was Iran's ancient capital, and they still haven't gotten over it. They have beautiful buildings, and the people are known for being light-skinned and sneaky. Esphawnee Jews are known for being extra-sneaky.

Stepping into an Esphawnee household is like entering an alternate universe; the last are first, and the world turns upside-down. The very adjective "Esphawnee" - a grave insult in a Hamedooni home like mine - becomes the highest compliment.

Needless to say, after 8 years of friendship, meeting Esphawnee's family was an encounter of Dickensian proportion. Meeting his dad, whom I've quoted on this blog, was epic: completely bald, yet arguably the best-looking man I have ever seen, with piercing, baby-blue eyes.

For the birthday cake ceremony, after singing the song in English and Persian, the entire family produced a deafening hum that grew louder and louder over the course of five minutes, ending with an uncle smearing a healthy dollop of chocolate frosting on the birthday girl's nose. Apparently this was something they did all the time. It was all really cute, I felt like Margaret Meade.

As for Esphawnee's sister, well, I shouldn't say too much; it was only her 18th birthday. But you can imagine...quite pretty. My favorite part was that she wore a t-shirt, black tights and ballet slippers, with everyone else in coats and ties. And she sat on her brother's lap for all of tea, attentively listening to him go on about the pitfalls of adjustable-rate commercial mortgages.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Memes/People/Race


NB: I'm not a racist I'm a RACIALIST

- Russian woman, 40s: "Very nice glasses, BCBG Max Azaria, my insurance covered very good"

- Armenian girl, 20s: "I do marketing for a mortgage company"

- White girl, 20s, in nyc: "I couldn't live ANYwhere else!" and/or "I'm definitely a Carrie"

- Jewish girl, college, in paris, semester abroad: "J'ADORE le felafel!"

- White girl, 20s, in nyc: "I don't even HAVE a driver's license!"

- White I-banker guy: "Rosa Mexicana is great...delicious...she can get a salad...I'll get a burrito..."

- American college girl in italy, semester abroad: "Look at this purse!" and/or "I could LIVE off gelato"

Monday, June 11, 2012

Ten Reasons To Blog


All I ever hear is "you're using your blog as an SEO scam! You're using your blog as an SEO scam! How come Actual God only linked Blunderbuss?! Are you beta or something?"

I blog for LOTS of reasons ok? Par exemple:

10. Katie Kadue
9. #pussymoneyweed
8. Thereauvian Idyl
7. Tom Lehman
6. Warren Buffett
5. Networking/"Building"
4. Respect
3. SEO Scam
2. Cash
1. "Jouissance"

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Beneficent Allah: Brooklyn Hygiene Edition

WHY I NEVER FEEL CLEAN IN NYC

- Water burns you when it is lukewarm (bc of poison algae)

- Bathroom tiles have screaming faces floating inside

- Puffy face makes it harder to clean the nooks and crannies

- Mirror/lighting makes me look so old!

- Rolling Tom a blunt makes my mouth taste like a garbage can

- There's only so many pairs of non-jeans pants a man can soil in a week....

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

It Felt Pimp To Say

Sister: Have you gotten taller?

Beneficent Allah: No - richer

(rire)

Sunday, January 08, 2012

Twitterjack

"B is for Bibi! A is for Arafat!" - Felafel stand owner who got a "B" in health inspection

Sunday, January 01, 2012

Typical Goldman Sachs Interview Question

"What is the smallest container that would adequately fit the compressed ashes from all 6 million Jews burned in the Holocaust?"

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Starving Child Loves RG

Hey Rap genius,
i surely adore what you do with lyrics and rap.
I am a boy living in kenya ,africa and fell in love with hip hop when i was nine years old,i rap and record myself with a mobile phone with beats from the internet...i have tried placing my raps on rap genius but they keep telling me you tube url needed..i have tried all i can with my phone to place my song in you tube but it seems my phone does not have the strength..i was wondering if you can help if someone could place a URL FROM another easy site or i send you my recording you change it to a video then you send it back to me..pliz im in a remote area i cant acess any computers..sorry for spending your time..thank you

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Rap Genius HQ

BEST PARTS ABOUT LIVING AT 184 KENT DEATH STAR VORTEX

- The viewwww!!!

- Heating system designed to make you feel no heat/cold

- Doorman Garfield Rock pedals the elliptical for me in the gym

- Kitchen furnished with predigested proteins and granite countertops

- Bathrooms feature a penis desensitizer

- 12 foot ceilings

- Daily building colonic available at 9

- Walk-in closet is PERFECT SIZE for the specter of ancestral memory

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Best new pick-up line:

"Let's explore memes together.."

Friday, August 26, 2011

#1 Wish

For my birthday, all I want this year is a phatic Phillippe watch

Monday, November 29, 2010

Who Tweeted It?

Kate Riley or Karl Lagerfeld.

1. "'shoegasm': everything I don't get about being female in one gross word"

2. "forgiveness is too easy. I can forget by indifference, but not forgive. I prefer revenge."

3. "scarves are just beards for girls!"

4. "the french say you get hungry when you’re eating, and I get inspired when I’m working. It’s my engine."

Answer bank: Kate Riley (@bubblebathos), Karl Lagerfeld (@karl_lagerfeld)

Thursday, October 07, 2010

Obsession for Men

Katie: You only think about working out! The only thing you care about is working out!

Beneficent Allah: ...

Friday, September 24, 2010

You down with DDT?

A lady at the Hoaf today was like "soft-skinned fruits have to be organic, because the pesticides - they kill fungus! - and they seep in! Your food is killing living things!"

Kills fungus, eh? Where can I buy this "pesticide" you speak of? Do they sell it in the bulk bins? Can I sprinkle it on my bran flakes?

Friday, September 10, 2010

Lobsters & Coconuts (AND cocaine!!)

Shared some basil with Matt aka "Lobsters & Cocaine" tonight.. he's moved into my old room chez Luther in order to feel guilted into losing weight. (It's working!)

Remember Luther was a Marine..

After dinner, we passed a gelateria:

Matt: You never just.. want a sundae??

No, Matt, because ice cream is not food..

When I'm feeling naughty, what I DO want to eat is:

- $25 of tomatoes

- 5 pounds of carrots

- All the loquats from a giant tree for the whole year.. at once

- A Gallon of my own urine

- A Bathtub of kelp noodles

- A life-sized salmon sashimi sculpture shaped like a thin, sexy girl

- 40 mg of Adderall

- "Young Coconut Snowman"

Anything that's food! Not ice cream..

Monday, May 31, 2010

Rap Genius HQ

(SCENE: Rap Genius HQ, East Village, NYC)

Tom: I wonder what life would be like if I were a woman! I wonder!

(enter Liz)


Tom: Hello Liz! Do you want to go shopping for women's underwear? We are, after all, both women!

Liz: This is true! I see no reason why we both couldn't go out and buy some women's underwear!

Tom: Nor do I!


Later...

(enter the ACTUAL God)

Actual God: Are you doing anything tonight, Tom?

Tom: Why no - besides going out with a strapping young man such as yourself!

Actual God: Excellent! Shall we say, nineish?

Tom: It's a date!

Friday, May 28, 2010

You can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery if..

- You have a tattoo (EXCEPTIONS: 1. Numbers from the Holocaust 2. Anything really cute)

- You've ever said, "The porkbelly is delicious! So tender.."

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Loq'ed out

[To the tune of Gucci Mane's "Never Too Much Money"]

I can't stop, I won't stop, I keep eating loquats
Never too much, never too much loquats
I woke up gummin', lips feeling swollen
Never too much, never too much loquats!

Seriously though, anybody have calorie info on these things?

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Top 10 comp. lit. mixer pick-up lines

1. So are you girls into theory?

10. Would you rather be degraded? Or doted on? Is that the same thing?

Thursday, April 22, 2010

The worst part about skinny jeans

- Make my thighs look fat?

- Difficult to change into gym shorts standing up?

- Confused sexuality will lead us the way of the dodo bird?

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Meditations on Obamacare

I was talking to a Persian Dentist Friend of mine today about the historic health care bill; he filled me in on what "le monde dentale" thinks about the legislation.

EXCERPT:

All of the new dental thinking is about floss;
In this it resembles the thinking from the pre-invasive
age of traditional dentistry. The idea, for example,
that inter-dental plaque is far more ruinous
than what forms on the surface.
That even toothbrush motion probing the gum line
at a suitable angle and pressure is, by its nature,
limited to a superficial scrubbing of our least
vulnerable enamel. Or the other notion that,
because there is in this world no one time
at which it is ideal to floss, a Kroger's
in one's pocket signifies sound hygienic habits.
We talked about it during an old man's root canal -
the dental hygienist and I - as she noted
the decay hidden behind his pearly surface.
After a while, I understood that, without floss,
brushing this way, everything dissolves: wisdom,
incisor, premolar and molar. There was a woman
whose teeth I cleaned and I remembered how, holding
the water pick in my hands sometimes,
I felt a violent sense of impotence (for I had
told her to floss and gargle with salt before bed.
She would not listen). Tilapia, broccoli, a granola bar
and muddy chunk of Toblerone, un-removed since their
consumption yet she would not floss. It hardly takes any time.
Lodging, we say, because the mouth is full
of endless crevices - her breath smelled as it tastes.
But I remember so much, the way her back teeth trapped oats,
the way that bits of carrot agitated her swollen gums.

There are moments when the mouth is as numinous
as words, days gums do not bleed. And yet such tenderness
as flossing may engender is well worth the power to
remove blackberry, toast, and other food particulates.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Top 10 failed St Patrick's day pick up lines

10. Am I wearing tighter pants than you?

9. So what's Gucci Mane's real name?

8. I'll give you $20 to talk to me for 30 minutes.

7. Want to see a picture of my ex-girlfriend's leg right after yoga?

6. Do you think the waitress is anorexic?

5. Let me guess: Korean

4. Yea, so I write for this T.V. show, Californication. Pretty popular, actually.

3. Belinda...such a beautiful name

2. How many $100 bills do I have in my pocket? Take a guess.

1. I'm Persian Jewish...but I consider myself an Islamophile..

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Vork Product

They say that money doesn't make a man...so I've decided to return the favor. As the Germans say, "if you love your arbeit set it frei"

As a dernier thug life I decided to post my final billable memo. (Keeping the client secret but hint: rhymes with "Ballstate")


MEMORANDUM

DATE: May 31, 2009

TO: Ballstate Insurance Company

FROM: The Beneficent Allah



RE: Likely Candidates for Earth Inheritance


I. Introduction



You have asked me to analyze which species has a "more-likely-than-not" probability of Inheriting the Earth ("Inheritance"), and the ramifications of said Inheritance on the Life and P+C insurance industries.

II. Facts

Although a fungal Inheritance is a reasonable market assumption, insects and several probiotic species are potential rivals whose chances of success should be contemplated.

A. Fungus and Probiotics

In addition to the beauty of mushrooms, fungi provide a critical part of nature's continuous rebirth by recycling dead organic matter into useful nutrients. However, although credit market conditions have temporarily grounded certain parasitic fungi, notable fungologists have argued that the parasite is arguably the future's fungus.

The fruit of Basidiomycota is the mover to watch. Many mushrooms in this phylum look like umbrellas growing from the ground or like shelves growing on wood. The latticed stinkhorn, in particular, has seen an unprecedented era of caloric devlopment and could emerge from the market freeze as a leader.


B. Meek

The Meek are unlikely to Inherit the Earth.

C. Insects

Insects are currently going through what is referred in financial theory as a "molting cycle." Deep insect divisons are currently taking place on a cellular level and cells are most sensitive to "vorm" when they are dividing. (This is why vorm therapy is effective in treating cancer.)

The so-called "Molting Diversion" presents a serious threat to continued insectual dominance, making the insect an unwise investment focus for the time being.

III. Recommendation

Based on the above, I recommend that fungal policies be routinely analyzed as part of the actuarial data analysis process, as well as the appointment of a "Chief of Fungal Marketing" in the New York office.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Bars Deuce

NY Bar: "Oh, walk through Hell's Kitchen! Pull-ups on the jungle gym! I find the squalor so romantic...I should blog this...quel artiste! I have to wear a wristband overnight like in Nazi times! MmmmMMMmm!!"

Fuck Jew York. I'm taking the CA bar in the Century Plaza Hotel...I finished 1 1/2 hours early, ordered a salmon sashimi from the bar, went out and lounged topless by the pool...Arab women sunned themselves as their children bathed in chlorine and the BENEFICENT Allah!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Some Bar

(Scene: A and/or the bar...Any bar)

Beneficent Allah: Tom I do hope that you won't simply flitter away this evening as you are often wont to do.

Tom: I'm just feeling so...letharj, Beneficent Allah.

BA: Bother! What could it be?...aha! Stick out your tongue. Hmmm...now if I know anything about anything, that tonguescruff means Worm. And Worm means Company, and Company means Food and Listening-to-me-Humming and such like.

Tom: Food. Yes, maybe some food will do the trick! What about a mouthful of something? And look here, I've got some de-liii-cious sangwiches for us! Apple or carrot with your sangwich, Beneficent Allah?

BA: Both! But...(so as not to seem greedy)...don't bother about the sangwich, please.

Tom: And for you, vorm?

Worm: I'll have just a sangwich, please. And if Beneficent Allah won't be having his...

BA: (bites into carrot) MMMMmmmmM! A tasty carrot, Directly Fresh! Freshly Direct! I...I haven't had a tasty carrot for so long...

Tom: And why's that?

BA: Well...I've alchemized my old sambar concoction into a New and Tasty Sambar Treat Consisting of:

2 leaves Kombu Kelp
2 cups'Eau
1 cup o' dash o' Flax (Homemade)
1 cup Chamomile
1 cup Tea/Tilo & Tilleul
1/4 cup Thyme
3 Hoafish Wasabees
Too Much Coriander, Cayenne and Curry
Not Enough Chickpeas
a Turnip or So
Pinch of Motherwort
Hint of Nutmeg, and...
The Day's Tea Leaves
all Bouilled together until I grow impatient. I can't get enough!

Tom: Sounds delicious, Beneficent Allah.

BA: Would you care to try it? Perhaps you could come over later tonight (and you too Worm!) and we'll make an evening of it, blaze on the rooftop...

Worm: Why Beneficent Allah! Offering me, an intestinal worm, a Poisonous Sambar!

(enter The ACTUAL God)

Tom: And how are you, Actual God?

Actual God: Not very how...I don't seem to have felt at all how for a long time.

BA: Dear, dear. I'm sorry about that. Now turn about, let's have a look at you.

(dainty pirouette)

BA: Charming...spitting image of your mother!

AG: And can we see the back of you, My Dear Old Allah?

(spritely spin)

AG: Why Beneficent Allah, what's happened to your hair?

BA: What has happened to it?

AG: It isn't there!

BA: Are you sure?

AG: Well, either hair is there or it isn't there You can't make a mistake about it. And yours isn't there!

BA: Then what is?

AG: Nothing.

(.....)

BA: Let's have a look (circles to where his hair had been a little while ago) Sigh...I believe you're right.

AG: Of course I'm right.

BA: That accounts for a Good Deal. It explains Everything. No Wonder.

AG: You must have left it somewhere.

BA: Somebody must have taken it.

AG: How Like Them.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Quel Caractère!

I passed the moral character and fitness requirements and I'm really a lawyer now, swear to bob. It was easy, you just need to do 20 pull-ups, 10 min. erg and some precor...

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Subtle Memes

This blog is heretofore devoted to subtle memes. Let's set us off:

1) People who talk about Kermit Roosevelt - from a historical perspective - with a perfectly straight face, as if it's not hilarious that his name is Kermit Roosevelt i.e. "Kermit Roosevelt was a principal architect of detente! Kermit Roosevelt was a raging alcoholic!" etc...

2) Telling a story where you implicitly demonstrate your knowledge that Al Gore and Gore Vidal are related, but no "Did you know they are related?" as if to say "Of course I know that they are related, as does everyone who I communicate with. If it were news to me or any of my audience, I would be working at The New Republic, not the New Yorker..."

e.g. "Gore Vidal gave a prescient speech at Al and Tipper's wedding on the future of globalization..." e.g. "Obvi Gore was at their wedding! they are related..."

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Jweef

Living in New York makes me want to steal. Katie steals grapes. I stole grilled portobello from work yesterday - just walked out the cafeteria like whoa, not even any art to it - and today I stole nori from the Hoaf. We both steal the wsj, usually either from Bethany Thomas in our building or Thierry Vincent over at 13 E. 18th st. (conveniently on the way to the Hoaf)...I've never met these people, but if you haven't picked up your wsj by noon then I already have a Thierry about you: you're gay.

I have a book idea: its called An Economic History of Me...it would attempt to narrativize every dollar I've earned or spent since age five. Theft would be in there too, mengs...bien sur...and would receive a clever accounting treatment at which historians of the Twentieh century would marvel in years to come. I also have another book idea: it would be a Sexual History of Me as an Insect.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Sambar

Post work hydrative Recessionary Sambar of Occidation (serves 1):

1/4 cup dry chickpeas
1 cup o' eau
2 packets whole foods wasabi (stolen)
4 (quatres) espices
1/8 cup dried barberries
3 twigs wakame seaweed
dash of "Dash o' Flax"
pinch of Motherwort "Female Body Balancer"

PREPARATION: Bring to a boullion for 15 minutes. Impatiently eat celery.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Cheese Description

- La Peral (Asturias, Northern Spain) Pasteurized Cow: The handiwork of a single producer, La Peral is - for most of the year - a pasteurized cow's milk cheese; from January to May sheep's milk may be added. It was created about 80 years ago by an Asturian dairyman who lived to be 106. The ivory interior is veined moderately blue-gray; weeps moisture at room temperature.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Omnivore's Dilemma...

Yesterday I received an envelope containing a mysterious white powder...yayo? anthrax?

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Liveblogging: Election Coverage

(all times P.M.)


7:32 - Macoun apples...pret-ty couny...Ilawngeles (Macoungeles)

8:23 - The Actual God: I never liked 'I'm all Ilawn'...Ilawngeles is much better.
The Beneficent Allah: How about 'Iran Zechory'?
AG: Yea...I like that...

8:26 - John...MaCoun...

8:40 - Antosca: 'This room is suffering from a severe empathy gap!'

9:08 - Katie: There is such totality to 'totes'...

9:23 - Amalia: Well guys... (waves Metrocard)
Katie: I think she's trying to tell us something...

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Fruits de la mer(tume)

Beneficent Allah is applying to business school, and they want to know...things. Being rich in text, I don't have a problem with that. But there's one question I can't answer:

Short Answer:

If you could change one thing you've done in your life, what would it be, and how would you do it differently? (250 word maximum)

I wouldn't have been born at all? No, that's silly.

So, I went for a more marketing-based response:

"If I could change one thing, I wouldnt have gone to work this morning, I would have put on my suit, shined up my chassures, and gotten back into bed with my hot, naked girlfriend."

What do you think? Will it get me in? Subtle mixture of sensuality and virility?

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

One last freynch...

We passed a depot-vente today and they had some nice costumes in the window, including a tux, and a crimson robe with leopard trim:

Beneficent Allah: Do you think that counts as business-casual? I mean...I am the king of things, I run the circus like a ring-a-ling...
Katie: ...and you have a kir royale.

Ok the FNAC guy is looking at me I better rap this up.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Date with the Actual God, vol I

(scene: Hotel Vitale, San Francisco)

Actual God: And it wasn't even the real game! Practice!
Sexy Girl, Lithe Body of a Ballerina: !
AG: So umm...one more round? or...
SGLBB: Actually I have to model tomorrow...I'm really sorry...I'm not usually this lame...
AG: No its cool
SGLBB: You're really sexy...I love your arms
AG: Yea you've got a boddy

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Farangistan

In Paris I keep a rigid economy...but for philosophical reasons. I keep 2000 euros in my sock but I spend only on turnips and fruits, and the occasional artichoke if Katie's been a good girl.

We live in a chambre de bonne just outside the Jardin de Luxembourg, which is nice if you like that sort of thing. We have a private douche, but that's really all we have. We fuck to save space, and I clic-clac the futon in the mornings so we have room for yoga.

I study for the barreau in the cafe Katie works at, it's a book-themed place which is nice because she can sneak some snacks! Sometimes the spinstress/waitress tries to get me to order stuff but then I explain my rigid economy and the weak dollar and I'm lactose intolerrant...and besides why are there no artichokes on the menu?! Then she slinks off, intimidated by my big book and little ipod, and usually leaves me alone.

I drink a lot of water to help wash down the corpus of the law. I wake up most mornings with a backache and an idiot grin plastered on my face, which engenders a lot of "what? what are you smiling about huh?! what's so funny?!" so I make her drink 2 liters of water and send her off to work.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Rod Update

Hey just got an e-mail from The "Actual" Rod! he's in Cambodge...I'm visiting in 6 weeks:

Dear Beneficent Allah,

I arrive in Phnom Penh safely this afternoon with Sotheary! As the plan landed about 5 munutes, the sky started to rain heavily. All the road flooded, nothing strange every rainy season the road always flooded. As you are coming in the rainy season so be ready for this. Anyway it's better than Hot season, you melt like ice-cream!

I just want to say missing you guy, and tell that i'm very happy be friend with you, it was such a great time. I really looking forward to see you come down here, and sharing your experience to communities.

Once again, I'm always reachable with this contact, so if you ever have any question about Cambodia/need any assistant from me, don't be hesitate to contact me; i'll try to help the way i can.

My best regards to you!

Take good care,

PS: Send lot of thanks to Liam, Windy, & all the BAB's stuff in New Haven. Missing Venkat too!
--
Mr. Rodd Sanjabi
Junior Officer
Housing Rights Task Force
C/o Office:#54, Street 306,
P.O.Box: 1121, Phnom Penh,Cambodia

Friday, April 25, 2008

AIDS-e Shoma Mobarak!


I hate France. I used to love France. What happened to me? For the past hour and a half, I've been sitting in my apartment str8 hydratin and rollin on foam. I feel like my posture is getting worse. How can this be? Mamman periodically calls, asks about my chakras, if I'm going to graduate. Shut up I'm busy.

Looking back years from now, feminist historians will undoubtedly argue that this April was verily the cruelest month for the Beneficent Allah. First off, I'm quitting coffee, and...my spine feels wobbly-wobbly. I know, it's just the chemicals but...it hurts! ouuuch! I think the Actual God got his butt blown up, I'm so worried...I just got a check for like 10 G's in the mail, and it's tax-free, and...all I want to buy is cash.

I've also developed an unfortunate little prescription drug problem. I need to rail some ritalin just to go to sleep at night...but my nose is always stuffy from the ritalin, and only ritalin can really clear it up. Vicious cycle, no?

To make matters worse, I've sprouted a sharp pimple on my chest that is super sensitive to pressure. Like when I push on it, I start worrying about my heart. Alright I'm lying. There is no pimple. I sense your doubt, and that's okay. You suspect that there really is a pimple, and I'm lying about lying to protect my fragile ego. I see no way to convincingly state the case without digging a hole for myself, yadadadawmean?



Good Shabbas, my flock. Please! remember: don't hog the challah; praise be to ALLAH!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Who said it?

Juelz or Paul Kennedy.

1. "British is dundo for lettin his guns blow"

2. "The all-embracing unit of the world economy constitutes an antithetical tendency to the otherwise nationally organized social life of humanity, and the dynamism of capitalism as a world system has been based on that same antinomy."


Answer bank: Juelz, Paul Kennedy.



also, how hard would this be:

(HGS, 2nd floor hallway)

Paul Kennedy: Get em Charlie!
Hon. Charles Hill: Tato tato
John Gaddis: Oh that Charlie...he's the cutest dip!

(exeunt)

Scene 2

Paul Kennedy: (talking about John Gaddis' wife, sotto voce) And she will swallow a hoola hoop, Ask around, she will swallow the juicy fruit...

Monday, April 07, 2008

Ca s'mawnge?!

Everybody eats, ok? Marwan eats pasta and Romain has a noontime éclair. Katie sits at German cafes and eats books, dressed in a gown of linen and rhomboid lace.

Matt Lim drinks coffee and devours the tax code, Harold Bloom devours his children. The Actual God eats a bombass sangwich, with honey mustard, and...Liams eats honey mustard.

I try not to eat tamarind, oh! but it is difficult: a laceration is a tongue's hangover, it craves more poison.

The Talmud nourishes the mind.

The poor eat artichoke because they squander the ruffage - which is the better part - and that is why they're poor.

The moral of the story: everybody eats

So next time you're like, omg sangwich, honey-mustard, better than g-heav MMMMmm! just do us all a favor and shut the fuck up

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Lollipop

(law library)

Student: Hey you think you could turn that down?

BA: Yea...um, sorry...shorty wanna fuck...

Thursday, April 03, 2008

New Dipset

April is the cruelest month
Dispet got dem Rugers ma
In our belts we do this hun
You messin wit the truest, ma

Oh, la, la, the chick ain't got no soutien gorge
Like Grampa on the rocking porch
I'm droolin wit my rocks en-gorged...

Fiends want my rock I'm sure
And I deliver like the Stork
Stork, Starks, stocks, FARC
Y'all need an underwriter
But I got JR Writer
My nigga under write ya
Oversell ya
He the fella

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Mo Murdaseille

Shit...everybody be callin me, facebook msgin me like, "so when you gonna blog bout France killa??"

It's like, god damn, bitches! What you want me to say [seille]?! I mean it was bomb, yea, but...1) Je ne travaille pas bien sous pression and 2) Does the word "inbloggable" mean anything to you? Like the old man with no larynx and the baller ascot, who gave us a ride from the vignobles to the centre ville in Cassis...in his chartreuse bagnole...how am I supposed to blog that?

Les nuages de Provence, the bite of the Mistrel on your fingers as you carry a chilled Chandon half across Marseille at three in the mawnin, the tinkle-tankle of yachts in the Villefranche harbor...oh la! A blog is just a metonym, ok? It doesn't have feelings...it hasn't learned to love.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Law School Registrar Scene (Vol. II)

(Today in hallway)

Liz Ingram (Assistant Registrar): Looks like some-body's got a tan!

BA: (internally) Looks like some-body's on my nuts!

Sunday, March 02, 2008

LSAT Prep

MULTIPLE CHOICE:

1. What shape is the Internet?

2. What is the color of money?

3. What is the taste of birth control?





Walking home from the Caltrain I stopped at the gas station for an Evian, and the Mexicaings was tapping the beat to...I want to say Cucaracha, but the other one...da dum da dum da dum, da da da da dum da dum...with his fingers...I was choking so hard on the banality that I couldn't even manage a simple hoopa la gas-o-lee-na.

Monday, February 25, 2008

A Day in the Life of Hannah Geller

10:00 - 11:00: wake up in sound-proof chamber, snuggle
11:00 - 11:30: shower under a highland waterfall
12:00 - 2:00: lift, listen to Killa Cam
3:00 - 5:30: courthouse, recover nazi paintings
6:00 - 8:00: meditation at Church of Jesus Christ, Scientist
9:00 - 11:00: dinner in an underground bunker
12:00 - ???: back to the sound-proof chamber, get freaky-freaky

Most of this is a joke...but, Jesus Chrysler, pick up your fucking phone Hannah.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Domicilium

It faces west, and round the back and sides
High beeches, bending, hang a veil of boughs,
And sweep against the roof. Wild honeysucks
Climb on the walls, and seem to sprout a wish
(If we may fancy wish of trees and plants)
To overtop the apple trees hard-by.

Red roses, lilacs, variegated box
Are there in plenty, and such hardy flowers
As flourish best untrained. Adjoining these
Are herbs and esculents; and farther still
A field; then cottages with trees, and last
The distant hills and sky.

Behind, the scene is wilder. Heath and furze
Are everything that seems to grow and thrive
Upon the uneven ground. A stunted thorn
Stands here and there, indeed; and from a pit
An oak uprises, Springing from a seed
Dropped by some bird a hundred years ago.

In days bygone--
Long gone--my father's mother, who is now
Blest with the blest, would take me out to walk.
At such a time I once inquired of her
How looked the spot when first she settled here.
The answer I remember. 'Fifty years
Have passed since then, my child, and change has marked
The face of all things. Yonder garden-plots
And orchards were uncultivated slopes
O'ergrown with bramble bushes, furze and thorn:
That road a narrow path shut in by ferns,
Which, almost trees, obscured the passers-by.

Our house stood quite alone, and those tall firs
And beeches were not planted. Snakes and efts
Swarmed in the summer days, and nightly bats
Would fly about our bedrooms. Heathcroppers
Lived on the hills, and were our only friends.

- Thomas Hardy

Thursday, January 10, 2008

All I want for graduation...

hay mahbod khaneh gol I love you and we missed you last night at the hannukah party. janis got you a gift, so it will be waiting for you when you get back, that reminds me what would you want for your graduation gift, other than a patek phillip watch, anything affordable by us? let me know when you think about it, love you, hope you are having fun in vienna. your loving sis mojgan

Honestly, honestly, the top 4 things I want for graduation are:

4. A crystal gram of Peruvian yayo ($60; Dan N's boy Reuben)
3. Ten 100 dollar bills, with small faces ($1,000; bankofamerica.com)
2. A Glock 22 ($390; jgsales.com)
1. A Hugo Boss microfiber trenchcoat ($700; hugoboss.com)

But I would just feel silly asking my sister for any of that! So I asked for this...honestly, after those four - and the Patek Philippe - it is #6

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Travel blog!

My apartment in Vienna is the ballerest place I have ever lived, with high ceilings and a heated towel rack. The building was a Hapsburg hôtel particulier, one of the eagle's heads is peeking into my window...it's starin at me dogg.

Thom visited last week and made us go to the Cathedral and do other homo shit, otherwise I just eat pomegranates and go to the gym...what kind of Jewfus goes on vacation just to go to the gym, right? Best gym ever though. The interior is all wood and adorned with posters of 80's-era bodybuilders like Casey Viator (Schwarzenegger is conspicuously absent...verily, no prophet is accepted in his own country). In between country-western songs, they play a who's who of songs I am embarassed to admit I like...Seal's "Crazy", Billy Joel's "Piano Man"...and the #1 song in their playlist, C&C Music Factory's "Everybody Dance Now".

Honestly, honestly, how tight is that song?! I've heard it in there three times already...how hard is the flow? Tryin to get a nutt so move yo butt, Everybody over here everybody over there.

I visited Hitler's hometown and I got so emotional...

There's a barber shop next to my apartment where they shave you and serve you tea like the old school. I went in and the dude shooed me away: "Like you see, we are very old, and we take only the old people..." I begged and pleaded, I told him I'm a writer (I consider myself an artist) from America and I needed him to shave me, at any price, so I could write about it. He gave in. Shaved me for free! (He did a whackass job, but...he's old...the tea was pretty good.)

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Liam's Rhymes

"Actually do you have a smoking room available?"

Thugthugthuuug! I made the non-Jewishest hotel request of my life in ny on Friday in anticipation of Mr. Wrongway, who was taking the train from New Haven to stay with me. Liams is d-d-dirty dirty, and they charge a $300 "smoking fee" in the non-smoking rooms so I didn't want to get burned. Also, I was trying to get into a "thug mentality" since Liams is Irish; I had purposely left my Patinol and my oiled leather sponge at home for the same reason. A man doesn't need these things...

There was only one smoking floor in the entire hotel so it was pretty cloudy. One time, I waited for the elevator with two Arabs who looked like they were heading out to the club; the thicker one had his chemise unbuttoned all the way, but tucked in to form a hair-V of extraordinary sexuality. The Australian family next door to me was conducting a Pall Mall hotbox; through the walls, I could feel their children getting cancer. With no Patinol, I felt like a prisoner in Auschwitz during allergy season. It's not easy being a man.

Liams and Rugby Dan came over around 8:30 and we went to WhoFo for dinner. Liams had brought Badderall, which made us even smarter. I was honored to be in the company of such bloggers. Sadly, no rhymes were kicked...although we discussed Rod at length and concluded that he is a Fundamental Force for Good ("Rod FFG")

Best snippet at WhoFo:

Rugby Dan: Steven Fry, he's amazing, V is for Vendetta, Oscar Wilde, a bit of Fry and Laurie...

Liams: Wait...what are you listing?

Although he still got messy, Liams seemed genuinely improved. He didn't boot in my goddess, and when he ashed on my shit he looked repentant...I would now bet 4 to 1 that he doesn't overdose before age 30 (the smart money is on him getting murdered in Brazil). Since Liams is a genius of unparalelled proportions, I showered him with obsequies for a while, which made him fidgety and uncomfortable...it's not me, Liams...it's the yayo.


As for this week's job interview, I don't give a fuuck! They was just payin my ho-tel. I think I like Greene Boeuf & Lamb; their office is baller, they filmed Michael Clayton there...pret-ty Clooney dogg. Also, they have entertainment law. Lil Kim is their client - they have one of her pasties framed on the wall - and you know big momma queen bee is always dippin into trouble. Finally, it turns out insurance is fascinating: I found out that Warren Buffett - "the baller of Omaha" - made his fortune off a little company called "geico"

These days, however, I don't give a fuuck more generally. J'en ai marre des Americains...in two weeks I leave for Marseille - "the armpit of Provence" - where Katie and I will discuss death, the VAT, and antioxidants as she feeds me pomegranates from the souk, grain by grain, on the steps of the old cathedral. From up there, you can't see the dirty shithole parts and Marseille is nothing but water and creamy beige...delightfoo.

Elle me manque, la France. I miss stealing from Monoprix with impunity. I miss my chemisier. I miss the phone numbers, which are mnemonically optimized for ease of memorization. Even the country code is a mnemonic (Patrick Ewing/Jesus). I don't remember my old French cell phone number, but it ended with 69 69. French numbers also use a lot of 41, 42, 43, 44...these are easy to remember because they remind us of those pregnant years of global conflagration when all Europe was engaged - as historians would undoubtedly argue - in total war.

During those mirthless years, Baba remembers American soldiers handing out chewing gum by the garrison. He would run after the soldiers along with the other little Jews, yelling yankee yankee chewing gum! When they got a piece, they would chew it until the flavor ran out, then reflavor it with plums and sour cherries - or whatever they could get their hands on, probably - and chew it again and again. He was 8 years old. By 15, he had moved to Tehran and was hustlin.

Me, I am 8 + 8 + 8 plus a penny...add that shit up. And I have never worked a day in my life...my gravest responsibility is to drink my silica in the morning and sometimes - albeit rarely - I don't even do that.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Failed blog ideas

- Elephant/Simon Weisenthal "Never Forgets"

- Rod lookalike with black card: "And what does it get me?! Nothing my friend!"

- Yayds (AIDS from a nosebleed from sharing yayo)

Monday, October 22, 2007

My cock is in fire

Ma tante Marguerite avait dix ans de moins que ma mère et comptait par consequent vingt-six ans; mais comme elle avait vécu dans une tranquillité de coeur très profonde, elle était très bien conservée et semblait une jeune fille. Ma nudité semblait lui faire beaucoup d’impression, car chaque fois qu’elle me baignait, elle ne me parlait que d’une voix flûtée.

Une fois qu’elle m’avait fortement savonné et rincé, sa main frôla mon petit vit. Elle la retira brusquement, comme si elle avait touché un serpent. Je m’en apercus et lui dis avec un peu de dépit: “Gentille petite tante chérie, pourquoi ne laves-tu plus tout entier ton Roger?”

Elle rougit beaucoup, et me dit d’une voix mal assurée: “Mais je t’ai lavé tout entier!”

“Allons donc, ma petite tante, lave aussi ma quéquette.”

“Fi! le vilain garçon! Tu peux bien la laver toi-même.”

“Non ma tante, je t’en prie lave-la toi-même. Je ne sais pas le faire comme toi.”

“Oh! le polisson!” dit ma tante en souriant et, reprenant l’éponge, elle lava soigneusement mon vit et mes couilles. Bangin!

“Viens, ma petite tante,” dis-je, “laisse-moi t’embrasser pour la peine que tu as été si gentille.” Et je l’embrassai sur sa jolie bouche, rouge comme une cerise et ouverte sur de belles dents saines et appétissantes.

“C’est assez, Roger, tu n’es plus un petit garçon. Dorénavant, tu te baigneras seul.”

“Oh non! ma petite tante, je t’en prie, pas seul. Tu dois me baigner. Quand c’est toi qui le fais ça me produit beaucoup plus de plaisir que lorsque c’est ma mère.”

“Habille-toi, Roger!”

“Sois gentille, ma tante, baigne-toi aussi une fois avec moi!”

“Roger!”

“Tante, si tu ne veux pas te baigner, je dirai à papa que tu as de nouveau pris ma quéquette en bouche.”

Ma tante rougit brusquement. En effet, elle l’avait vraiment fait, mais seulement un moment. C’était un jour que je n’avais pas envie de me baigner. L’eau de la baignoire était trop froide et je m’étais sauvé dans ma chambre. Ma tante m’y avait suivi et, comme nous étions seuls, elle m’avait caressé et finalement avait pris mon petit vit en bouche où ses lèvres l’avaient serré un moment.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Hairplane

"Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but I have to take medication before we take off, and I can't take it on an empty stomach, so could I please have two bags of Terra Blues and four bottles of water?"

I don't actually have to take medication, unless you count silica as medication...and I prefer to take silica on an empty stomach. I do this routine on every flight 1) To make the other passengers jealous, and demonstrate to them that I am a VIP, 2) I'm madd haangry, and 3) cause I'm bossy. The man-stewardess-homosexual was compliant, although he gave me a suspicious look.

A couple hours into the flight I got thirsty for some liquor. I was bored, and Bravo was waiting on me to drink two Glenlivets before they put on Eddie Murphy Raw. I went back to the stewardess mengs...sorry, you are on medication, so I can't serve you alcohol. Ohh la! He said it with a shit-eating grin like he had me in a Catch-22...but he don't know me. I didn't say a word, I just fetched my bottle of silica and put it in his grill.

"This is the medication. Silica. It's for balding...and nails."

I downed the Glenlivets, but it was a red-eye and DirecTV was uncooperative. Bravo was playing Dr. Bosley's art of hair restoration, which I watched for a couple of hours, but - alas - without the ardor of my pre-silica days.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Ara inch beses?

Ara ara! I parked my BMW on PCH last Saturday in the 'boo and some asshole sideswiped my car while I was in the ocean. Hit and run, straight up. My baby.

Since that cute little lizard fucker convinced me to get geico - save some money - I was paying for it myself. When have I transgressed, oh Lord? Not a big deal, not a big deal. Lord?

Silence from the heavens, comme d'habitude...but honestly, I wasn't even that upset, I had just spent two hours in the ocean, feelin salty, and the world had the volume turned down a little bit - as the ocean is wont to turn it. Besides, I've got a few bills now, I don't need no lizard.

I drove through the canyon still wet, afraid to dry myself, and got some looks from the sushi mengs at Woodland Hills WhoFo...he was a Japanese FOB, he saw the salt crystals on my face and licked his lips like he was bout to cut me up and feed 9 pieces Persian sashimi to the salmon.

Then I went to Encino like a little bitch, to see what Baba had to say. He gave me the always-pay-for-full-coverage lecture - which I tuned out and thought about sex - followed by the address of an Armenian chop shop in Glendale: ask for Hovek Sarkissian. Hovek inch beses? Mama kewn kewnam!

I ditched work after lunch on Thursday - really, I only went for lunch, there's bomb-ass attorney lunch on Thursdays, this week was Thai - and took the 110 to Glendale so Hovek could hook it up. I get off at San Fernando Road...fuck, I forgot the address! Not a big deal, right? How many chop shops could there possibly be on this one little road in Glendale?

A: A grip! Glendale is chop shop city; any middle-eastern guy who's not Jewish would know that! I stopped in one, Verizon bodyshop. Hovek? No. You know Hovek? I think so.

So I drove to the next one, Horizon bodyshop.

But Horizon bodyshop, it seems, was no bodyshop at all. I was only there for two minutes. I stepped in the "office" and saw a placard: "Know your rights! Employees have a right to:

- Minimum wage compensation
- A safe work environment
- Restroom facilities

and so on. To the right of the placard was a curtain and a hum. I pulled the curtain aside and saw at least fifty pairs of Armenian womens' puppydog eyes look up from sewing machines to stare at me in unison. What are they sewing? Damn that one to the left is blazin...

"Hov-," I started...naw I'm fucking around. I left immediately, I was scared, plus I could tell I was making them nervous. At least somebody was being productive at work...they weren't even on facebook! Did they think I was a cop? Did they want me to be a cop? Why doesn't the cute one just marry Hovek, have some babies?

On my way back to my car I saw the break room. Black-haired women with meaty forearms smoked, chatted, and ate leftovers. Damn, Armenian-themed attorney lunch...that would be dooope.

Monday, August 20, 2007

New Kayne

Wash the chicken down with the Perrier
Get up on the floor shake your derriere

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

LA Vork Scene

I'm on the 33rd floor in LA...but keep in mind it is a much shorter building. I'm on the same floor as the kitchen; Maman was giving me shit yesterday about having a belly. It's like, bitch look at you! You are straight up fat! But I didn't say that. She's got a point, I've been Bingoinin')

Nina shmeena, there's a new secretary in my life now: Yvonne. She pampers me.

Yvonne: Was your lunch good?
Beneficent Allah: Excellent, thank you for ordering.
Yvonne: No problem, let me know if you need anything else.

Anything??

Not much happens in LA. I think I got a black beemer. LA bar scene still sucks. I spend my weekends playing with Persian Jay-Z's babies. (They call Janis - their nanny - "Mommy," which is cute/disturbing.)

There's a room across the hall from my office called coffee/copy. It has the coffee machine and the copy machine; it reminds me of those godawful fascist mosaics in Brooklyn subway stations. Coffee/copy is where they keep the water too. Obviously, I spend a lot of time in there. I was in there after the gym last night - str8 hydratin - when I noticed the brand name of the robinet was "Sukay". Sukay made me smile, and I started muttering to myself, "ooh, Sukay Sukay, Sukay Sukayyy," when a (female) partner walked by. Fope!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Damn Nabati

Last night

Dan N: Oh good shit they got Propel melon.
Beneficent Allah: Thug life...(grabs two Evians, 1.5L)
DN: Oh you're gonna Double Up?
BA: I got one on each arm...

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Masturbation and Solitude

"In a totally liberal economic system, certain people accumulate considerable fortunes; others stagnate in unemployment and misery. In a totally liberal sexual system, certain people have a varied and exciting erotic life; others are reduced to masturbation and solitude." - Michel Houellebecq

Friday, July 06, 2007

Getchya Evi-on, Inglewood

Funny urinal moment just now, I am taking a piss and a wizened-looking partner enters and says to me, "Hey! How's it goin!?!" really loud, before starting to take a piss right next to me. Looks like somebody's got a case of the Fridays.

As many of you know, I am like Jesus. I don't mean I'm the Messiah or anything - that's Rod - just, I have love for those who no one loves.

That's why I only drink Evian now. I've abandoned Fiji to the gays. Volvic was good for a while...but I think Volvic is just Evian watered down with Fiji, to make it taste less cummy.

Evian is all yaan. That shit is cummy and a half, and quite unapologetically so. Why? Because the cum-taste of Evian is what makes it good for your skin. Besides, Evian is the original. They invented baller water...

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Remix

Outside rice paper inside 'shimi
Seven days of the week, seven different chemises

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Vorks Deuce

My car service driver to lunch today was a crazy Russian man, who was very, very pissed about how short of a distance we'd ordered a car for. But 6th ave. traffic calmed him, and he told some funny jokes:

Q: I have a joke, one word.
A: Communism!

Q: My neighbor asked me how I am doing.
A: Ask me when you see my mortgage!

Q: Husband and wife in bed together. He says, "Honey do you love me?" "Yes" "Are you angry with me?" "No"

"OK, get off!"

The last one was my favorite, reminds me of sex with my ex-girlfriend. Obviously, these were only funny in a thick Russian accent; use your imagination! Communism!

Speaking of Communism, I saw my ex-girlfriend at Whole Foods on Sunday. I go upstairs to the food court and see this sexy little Asian thing sitting there; she matched my sashimi. Im like, "Ooh, sexy little Asiangs...let's go have lunch with her..." I sat right next to her!

Needless to say, the sexy little Asian, she was no Asian at all. She got up, threw away her 75% uneaten salad, and left in a huff. I didn't realize who it was until she was halfway down the stairs, and I didn't say a word...I sat back down and ate my sashimi in silence. I never saw her face; I only know it was her from her dress and her necklace.

Mickey come baaaack! This whole desperately in need of some stranger's hand in a desperate land thing...it does me no good. I'm too sketchy to be single. I just got off the phone with the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life. I'm not just saying that. Two weeks ago, I was walking past a bar to meet Burt, and in line I saw the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life - Vickiesque, but 100x better. Lately, every girl I see (and I think this is typical in ny) I try to use my inner brain to distort their face according to its uglinesses...I can do this with most anyone. This girl, undistortable. She was flawless. And she was staring at me. I went over and asked if she would pretend that she's my friend, so I could cut in line. That got a giggle. Her name is Elana, she works at Nicole Miller for the summer, she started work last Tuesday, and goes to U Va...now you know everything I know. This was two weeks ago.

She went into the bar with 3 big, douchy, U Vaish guys, and the bouncer stopped at me. I didn't see her again.

On Tuesday, with the encouragement of Ben Levi - male model numero uno - I decided to get freaky freaky. I looked up the Nicole Miller internship hotline on Google, called, and asked for Elana. Thug life.

"Oh! Elayna! Lovely girl, staated today, right? You a friend?"

Bitch put me through no problem.

"Hello?"
"Elana, hi, its Matt. You don't really know me, but listen, today was your first day at work, and that's a big deal, and I felt strangely compelled to invite you to dinner. To celebrate."

Obviously, no dice. But she remembered me. She got my number, and didn't call.

Or maybe she did! My phone's been broken all week!

So today, I call again, I ask for Elana.

"Oh! Elayna! One sec, I'll get 'er. You know we're having a big big show here tomorrow!"
"Really? I'd love to attend, I need a new black dress..."

"Hello?"
"Elana, hi, its Matt again. Listen...today was the one-week anniversary of your first day at work, and that's a big deal, and I felt strangely compelled to invite you to dinner. To celebrate."

Obviously, no dice. She said she'd call me after work, but she thinks, "this is a little weird." I agree.

I tried to sound like Hugh Grant over the phone...closest I got was Dodi al-Fayyed, and that is being generous. Bengina says I should've used the phrase "thug life" somewhere in there, and that would've clinched it...you live and learn.

Oh, ma vie. It's like Harvard all over again, deferred then rejected.

Luckily, I have a lunch date with Yale next week, at the Conde Nast cafeteria. Maria works at Glamour for the summer - same building as me - and lives a block away from me on w 10th st...doable, right? She is, quite arguably, the second-most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life. I'm not just saying that.

I met her at Whole Foods; I complimented her handbag.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Top 10 failed Whole Foods pickup lines:

10. So what do you steal from Whole Foods? I always eat as much chicken as I can in line so I don't have to pay.

9. Buying the peeled carrots makes me feel effeminate.

8. Excuse me, what is the best vegetable?

7. So can you believe Wal-Mart is trying to step into the organic game?

6. Are you allergic to gluten too? (in the rice cake section)

5. Nice...Fiji is the ballinest water. (as she reaches for a Fij)

4. So what criteria are most important to you in selecting an heirloom tomato?

3. Can I have your ginger?

2. Do you ever wonder why all leaves don't taste like basil?

1. Hey, my name is Matt. What's your name?

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Vork

So I'm looking at all this different shit to find out how we're gonna tax-treat this escrow, and none of this shit makes any sense to me. I check my facebook a few times...I'm thinkin damn that Katie Kadue lookin sexy sexy...and then it comes to me...I remember Joe Bankman's sage words: "When all else fails, Bitker and Eustice..." Eustika!

I head down to the Tax Library and have Thomas (no is no Thomas is Thomas!) photocopy the two pages of escrow shit from Bitker for me and come back to my desk. Bullshit! Worthless! I get so angry that I close my door and have an all out, extended nose-picking session, wiping boogers all over the Bitker.

An hour later, I remember something else Joe Bankman or Atticus Finch or somebody said: "Law is all about analogy..." I look at the Bitker again, and there it is, right under a greeny...Eustika! At first I try to ignore it...naw, naw that ain't it...but it is. It's as good an answer as I'm going to find...and it's boogered the fuck up!

Now, you have to understand: I hate Thomas. Plus the 25-story plunge to the tax floor makes me a little bit more constipated every time I have to make it. I frantically chisel away at the boogers, re-wiping them on yesterday's WSJ...

But the stains will not come clean!

But wait! I can photocopy it! Gets the stains right out! Eustika!

I haven't used the photocopier yet...Nina does that shit for me. (she's my secretary...how hard?!) But I can't have Nina do this one. I mosey over to the photocopier with the Bitker rolled up like a Playboy, slide it on, press the button, tray jammed. Fuck! What the fuck does that mean?!

Nina: Mapoo are you trying to make a copy?
BA: Um, yea Nina I really didn't want to bother you.
Nina: Am I pronouncing your name right?
BA: I mean, languages have different phonologies...
Nina: Tray jammed? Oh this stupid thing! (opens tray)

Whatever, thug life...she probably just thought it was cum stains...girls think that's hott.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Paid tha 'Caust to be tha Boss: a History of the American Jewry in the 21st Century

Put 150 pages of anything into that and you've got an Amazon.com best-seller.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Skee skee skee

I always bite into my tomato and give it a good suck before carving it up for my sangwich. Today I got a real gusher. It was a grappé tomato from the organic market, they looked good on the rack, but I had no idea. I bite in and sploooge! This little tomato erupts like a pent-up nut, sending up an arc-en-ciel of straight sticky juice that I had to go hunting after; a portent that Spring has sprung.

After that performance, I had to eat the tomato raw dogg. These tomatoes tasted like apples...it wasn't until tomato #3 that a slice actually made it to my sangwich.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Avi♥Avi

The Law Cafe stopped taking IOU's today, but they told me that I am the only student still allowed to get them, because I always pay in the afternoon, and I am "muy guapo"

Today, I wanted to tell y'all a little story about a man who I hardly know...I don't know if you've noticed, but - even though I am not a homosexual - a lot of my blog is devoted to men who I admire, and who I try to model myself after. Let's call this genre of posts - for lack of a better term - the "male models"

On swim team, in high school, I had a homegirl named Morin. She's Israeli, and I always kind of wanted to hit that. Anyways, Morin's dad would always come to swim meets. He was a Moroccan Israeli, and a baller through and through. He had this long ponytail and a porno star moustache...the first time I saw him, I was afraid he was there to plant a bomb! I only found out later that he's on our side.

Anyways, Morin's dad - Avi - was a mega-baller. Still is...he does real estate development, and owns Sassi restaurant in Encino, which is one of my family's favorites. (When you walk in, there's a big picture of Avi posing with Joe Lieberman...so Avi!)

On Thursday nights, you can find Avi at Tempo - Encino's Israeli hotspot - making it rain on stage, with the live Israeli music, with crisp dollar bills that he got at Bank of America in the morning, expressly for that purpose. He's been doing this for years...so as far as I can tell Lil' Wayne ripped him off. How baller?!

If you haven't figured it out yet, Avi drives an SL600. Black - bien sur mengs - and rollin on twinkies. The license plate? Avi♥Avi.

Avi's wife (obviously smokin hot) is named Eti; also three letters. Avi could have been a nice guy and gotten it Avi♥Eti. He could have even been an asshole, and gotten Eti♥Avi. But noooo! He cut Eti out of the picture altogether.

Avi's like heaven, everybody tryin to get to him. My Persian friends and I aspire to be so baller...but I wouldn't hold your breath. Well, at least we can copy his license plate idea. Ben Mabati is committed to getting Ben♥Ben as soon as he gets married. Me? Best I can do is Mah♥bod.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

I miss Encino

April fucking fourteenth and il pleut toujours...

When I'm ballin I'm going to make it rain often, like Northern California (Get it get it?)

Friday, April 13, 2007

Dear Jesus,

Why can't all leaves taste like basil? They all look like basil.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I'm bringing sex is bad

The heinous sin of self-pollution and all its Frightful consequences, in both sexes, considered: with Spiritual and physical advice to those who have already injured themselves by this Abominable practice, leading to disturbances of the stomach and digestion, loss of appetite or ravenous hunger, vomiting, nausea, weakening of the organs of breathing, coughing, hoarseness, paralysis, weakening of the Organ of Generation to the point of impotence, back pain, disorders of the eye and ear, total diminution of bodily powers, paleness, thinness, pimples on the face, decline of intellectual powers, loss of memory, attacks of rage, madness, idiocy, epilepsy, fever and finally suicide.

Reminds me of the haunting final scene of Ibsen's Ghosts: "Uh, uh, I can't see!"

(curtain)

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Things that make ya go hmm...

When I was a toddler, I would take showers with my older brother sometimes, after the swimming pool. He was about the age that I am now. I was but a child, and when this started I had only seen one previous penis: my own. I remember thinking that my brother's flaccid penis was enormous. Compared to mine, it was like level four in Mario Brothers 3, or like when you see someone who has gained a lot of weight in a very short time. Around the same age I saw Baba's penis too, at a urinal: more of the same.

And then, for 21 years, nothing.

Now that circumstances have rendered my brother Beyoncéless, the two of us are spending a lot of quality time, doing what bachelors do. On Thursday night we went to a club, where he worked his trademark "Persian Jay-Z" game and macked me a hot-ass Chilean. On Friday, we went to the gym. They have a swimming pool at the gym.

I have often reflected on my childhood, and not without some consternation. But I comforted myself with the explanation that his penis only seemed so big because I was a little boy.

But seeing it again - after more than two decades - it still seemed impossibly large.

I try to keep in mind Paul Cezanne's celebrated aphorism: "You are your own harshest penis critic." But I'm sure I was not imagining things. We're not even talking the same ballpark...I don't even think they should both be called a penis.

All the penis feedback I've ever gotten has been positive: one girl I hooked up with in college told Burt that I had a, "beautiful cock." Another said it was the perfect color. At Yale I attended a lot of naked parties, I never felt too bad. I am so confused...I wish I could see Baba's penis again.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Vaat is de (dark) matter, baba joon?

My brother tells me it's eerie to sleep in a half-empty house. A half-empty dormroom is pretty eerie too, and I don't have the luxury of running to Mamman's in the middle of the night if my diaper needs changing.

Peter, my roommate, has left me. We hardly exchanged a word about the move, since I was hosting AG, but suffice it to say that my half-Persian from Harvard is moving in with smarter, whiter roommates who will inspire him in his quest for dark matter. I don't blame him.

He didn't say it, but I think he felt guilty abandoning me...he gave me his rice cooker, which I use to make tea since all the pots belonged to him.

Peter and I never spoke more than two words while he was living here...we had nothing to say! We only spoke in music, taking turns blasting classical music on the rare occasions when we were both at home. He made me appreciate Debussy, and I introduced him to Prokofiev's war sonatas.

In the final days, AG asked Peter about his work on dark matter, which I had never dared to do. He got an obnoxious/confusing answer: "When I'm gone from Stanford," said Peter, "I will have completely rewritten the computer program that represents our understanding of dark matter." He went to Harvard after all.

But I'll miss him, especially the smells. His facewash smelled so clean, and his concoctions of Persian cuisine - Fessenjoon, Gheimeh...all learned from his (American) mother - reminded me of home. Peter was a bright, sturdy mulatto, and I hope my half-white nephew turns out so well...although I kind of hope my nephew gets more ass.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Désaccords

Rémi,

Il y a presque un an depuis notre dernier tete-à-tete, et tu me manques toujours. Pendant mon séjour à Paris, tu m'as beaucoup appris...la connaissance que tu m'as donnée en matière de chaussures est d'un valeur inestimable.

Depuis un an, j'ai suivi tes anciens conseils sans hésitation. J'essaye de m'habiller - et me chausser bien sûr mengs - exactement comme toi. Je cours tout les matins.

Mais récemment, j'ai commencé à avoir certains petits doutes sur ta philosophie, et j'ai corrigé quelques erreurs:

D'abord, je crois qu'il faut éjaculer une fois par jour.

Ensuite, un vagin doit etre 100% epilé. La moindre poile est inadmissible, genre Hollywoodienne. Comme ca, on peut voir la forme.

Enfin, coupe tes cheveux jusqu'au bout. Les filles cherchent un homme de volonté, pas de beauté.

Shanghai-nee.

Maboud

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Starfucks Hottie

I never thought it would come to this...but I bought a CD at Starbucks today. I feel like such a dirtass.

In other news, got an update from Rémi, he's in Shanghai:

Maboud,

My cock is in fire. You lied to me: I did not have any sexual intercourses at Princeton, the girls were so monstrous!! (I think I am for the West coast, my body is more Californian.)

I have bought three new pairs of shoes since you left. Did you succeed in wearing my shoes? It is extremely astonishing, you fit 45 !! I fit 42,5 ..

Anyway, we have the same penis size..

I have been thinking a lot about you, your hairs, the piano, and your sense of humor. I am sure it is not a matter to be "chauve" . You will be fine. Look at me, It seems I have a kind of spaghetti n ° 1 hairs .

In order to prepare your funeral ceremony, I decided to learn the piano. I have finished the first part of the Mozart Fantasia in C minor so far, I am working really hard!!

Since you are not here for the jogging, I am thinking about Kung fu. But people do not sweat as much as you. I miss that, I mean I miss the smell.

In Shanghai, there is not that much avocado, and because in our friendship there is no excuse, but only love I think you have to come over here very soon!


Rémi

Sunday, February 11, 2007

My Big Fat Iranian Sex

Through the years, the older men of my family have bequeathed me the following three pearls of wisdom:

#1 "Up to four times a week is good, but more than four times is no good."*
- Baba, 72

#2 "In college, don't have too many orgy parties, do your homework."**
- "Crazy" Uncle Javid

#3 "If you have to use a condom then what is the point?"
- My brother aka "Persian Jay-Z" ("the whole enjoyment is the heat!")

And from Esphawnee's dad:

"Avoid blow jobs, because the heat of the mouth makes your hair fall out."



Did I mention Esphawnee's dad is completely bald?


* "Haftehyee seh bar, chahar bar, heech eyb nadaareh...vallee toh deegeh zeeyaadeet daareh meesheh!"

** "Orgy-morgy oonjah khabaree hast?...Meeree daaneshgah zeeyadee orgy party nakon, besheen darsetah bekhoon!"

Monday, January 29, 2007

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Thursday, January 25, 2007

Make this simple test

Blindfold yourself with some suitable object. If time permits remain still for a moment. You may feel one or more of your senses begin to swim back toward you in the darkness, singly and without their names. Meanwhile have someone else arrange the products to be used in a row in front of you. It is preferable to have them in identical containers, though that is not necessary. Where possible, perform the test by having the other person feed you a portion — a spoonful — of each of the products in turn, without comment.

Guess what each one is, and have the other person write down what you say.

Then remove your blindfold. While arranging the products the other person should have detached part of the label or container from each and placed it in front of the product it belongs to, like a title. This bit of legend must not contain the product's name, nor it's generic name, nor any suggestion of the product's taste or desirability. Or price. It should be limited to that part of the label or container which enumerates the actual components of the product in question.

Thus, for instance:

“Contains dextrinized flours, cocoa processed with alkali, non-fat dry milk solids, yeast nutrients, vegetable oil, dried egg yolk, GUAR, sodium cyclamate, soya lecithin, imitation lemon oil, acetyl tartaric esters of mono- and di-glycerides as emulsifiers, polysorbate 60, 1/10 of 1% sodium benzoate (to preserve freshness).”

Or:

“Contains anhydrated potatoes, powdered whey, vegetable gum, emulsifier (glycerol monostearate), invert syrup, shortening with freshness preserver, lactose, sorbic acid (to retard mold growth), caramel color, natural and artificial flavors, sodium acid pyrophosphate, sodium bisulfite.”

Or:

“Contains beef extract, wheat and soya derivatives, food starch-modified, dry sweet whey, calcium carageenan, vegetable oil, sodium phosphates, BHA, BHT, prophylene glycol, pectin, niacinamide, artificial flavors, U.S. certified color.”

There should be not less than three separate products.

Taste again, without the blindfold. Guess again and have the other person record the answers. Replace the blindfold. Have the other person change the order of the products and again feed you a spoonful of each.

Guess again what you are eating, or drinking, in each case (if you can make the distinction). But this time do not stop there. Guess why you are eating or drinking it. Guess what it may do for you. Guess what it was meant to do. By whom. When. Why. Guess where in the course of evolution you took the first step toward it. Guess which of your organs recognizes it. Guess whether it is welcomed to their temples. Guess how it figures in their prayers. Guess how completely you become what you eat. Guess how soon. Guess at the taste of locusts and wild honey. Guess at the taste of water. Guess what the rivers see as they die. Guess why the babies are burning. Guess why there is silence in heaven. Guess why you were ever born.

-W.S. Merwin

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Floetry

It is even better
Now that we’re the same
Two great companies come together
Now, MBNA is B of A

And it’s one bank
One card
One name that’s known all over the world

One spirit
We get to share it
Leading us all to higher standards

Do you like the cowboys?
Or your university?
Do you like the Yankees?
Or is NASCAR more your speed?

Well it’s your choice
Your right
To pick a card that shows
Your heart
And your pride

We’re one with affinity
And we’ll carry each other
Carry each other
One

Have you come to meet Bruce Hammonds
Have you come to meet Leah McGee
Have you heard about Michelle Shepherd
She’s leading the team in the Northeast

And we’ve got Bank One on the run

What’s in your wallet?
It’s not Capital One,
It’s us
So which card are you?
Integration’s never had us feeling so good

We’ll live out our core values
It’s only here at Bank of America
One bank
One card
One name that’s known all over the world

One heart , filled with spirit
We feel it, we share it
One bank working everyday
To bring higher standards

Higher
One
We are one, yeah
We are one
We are one bank

- Rugby Dan

Monday, November 13, 2006

Sur Mesure

Cher Hughes,

Je m'apelle Beneficent Allah, j'ai commandé une costume chez vous cet été, et je voudrais commander un autre pantalon.

Le pantalon que j'ai commandé la premiere fois est trop serré...ce qui est de ma faute parce que vous m'avez demandé si je veux un pantalon serré, et j'ai repondu oui.

En outre, la fourche du pantalon blesse mon testicule gauche.

En raison de ces deux problèmes, le pantalon est trop inconfortable pour porter...mais j'aime la veste beaucoup. Je voudrais commander un pantalon du même couleur, tissu, et taille, mais avec les modifications suivants:

1. un petit peu moins serré dans les jambes

2. avec une fourche "gaucher"

Pourriez-vous m'indiquer combien cela coûtera? et Est-ce que c'est possible envoyer le pantalon aux Etats-Unis?

Je sais que mon Français est difficile à comprendre...merci de votre patience.

Cordialement,

L'Allah Bienfaisant

Friday, October 20, 2006

Brains, Biceps, and the Bill to Bower

Some of you already know about this, but my boy Leor will teach you about workouts, Seattle, and - bien sur, mengs - Life at Stanford Law. Even I learn from him, and I am omniscient!

Imagine what he can do for you...

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Getchya Shukr on, Inglewood


Had to give a shout out to my humble servant/former Arabic teacher Dawood Ya-Sizzerl, probably the only Imam ever to pose nude in Madonna's sex book. No joke...his life story reads like a modern-day St. Hippo:

Born in Nantucket Island, Massachusetts, Imam Dawood is the Imam of Masjid Al Islam in New Haven. He left his studies at Southern Connecticut State University in International Relations and Foreign Diplomacy after being hired by Willhelmina Models of New York City in 1991. As a professional model, he worked in London, Paris, New York City, and Milan. In 1996, Imam Dawood embraced Islam during a modeling campaign in South Africa. From there he began his training in Islamic studies traveling to Saudi Arabia, Pakistan and India. In 1997, he moved to Syria where he formally studied the Arabic language and Islamic Sciences for four years at the Abu Nur Institute. Imam Dawood returned to New Haven in 2002 where he lives with his wife and children.

Now he's a fashion designer, catering to Muslims of taste as well as infidels with the hookup. Check out his original designs at www.shukronline.com I got a galabiyya from there, it looks straight pimp.

And yes, in case you were wondering, that's his neck on the homepage.