Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Alexis Ohanian Will Get Popped For Dating Serena WIlliams

People are constantly questioning whether Drake is a thug. Yes, it’s true that he has emotional songs with his mom, is constantly crooning about heartbreak, and that he has those cute puppy dog eyes. However, his last album was 90% beef songs against Birdman and even features a song where Drake is singing about his guns. Drake contains multitudes — he might be an effeminate romance crooner at times, but at other times, he is in fact a fuckin thug. 2Pac was like this too, constantly switching from extremes of sensitivity and ruthlessness — but for some reason, 2pac is primarily remembered only for his thug side, whereas Drake’s thug side is largely hidden in his popular persona.
I think the new relationship between Reddit founder Alexis Ohanian and Drake’s ex-fiancee Serena Williams is going to bring out Drake’s thug side. I wouldn’t be surprised if Alexis ends up getting popped. One of the main reasons this development will anger Drake is that he’s already kinda jealous of tech guys. He has publically stated that, were he not a rapper, he would “probably be in Silicon tryna get [his] millions on..” So Drake has it out for an Alexis-type dude to begin with.
What exacerbates the situation is that Alexis has exactly the dopey kind of face of somebody who really deserves to get popped. He’s always got a stupid grin and I think Drake would be doing us all a favor wiping that shit off his face.

Imagine this dope dating your ex — ugh…
Another factor is that Ohanian is Armenian, and Drake is rumored to be best friends with the Grand Pasha of Turkey, who is a mortal enemy of Armenia. (Drake even performed at the Pasha’s recent birthday ceremony in Vegas!)
However, the main reason why I see an epic beef brewing between Drake and Ohanian is this: Ohanian’s invention, Reddit, is the birthplace of the exact “Drake is Soft” memes that give everyone a lopsided sense of who Drake is. Just because Drake has beautiful eyes — and Redditors don’t listen to music deeply, they only have a superficial understanding of popular songs — Reddit has spawned a plethora of “Drake is Soft” memes that are completely detached from the reality of Drake.

This is how Reddit sees Drake..
Wouldn’t it be ironic — in the Alanis Morissette sense of the term — if the “Soft Guy of Reddit” now pops Reddit’s founder? I hope Ohanian has made enough money from Reddit to hire himself some bodyguards, otherwise the Reddit “liquidity event” might turn out to be a pool of blood!

Please Quora Gimme One More Chance!

Ever since my ex-girlfriend left me because she got mad I was talking shit about her friend who works for Rap Genius on my, I have felt an immense, gaping hole in my heart. But, for about a month, that hole was less painful. Then, it got really bad again. And then, I met Sam Kazemian and I got involved in Everipedia… and now, it’s not so bad again…

Yuuuuurrrrrrp! Wait, lets go back to the first time it felt less gaping, before Everipedia. What was filling the “soul hole” that first time, you ask? It was Quora! I had started using Quora to peddle my book from last year, which I self-published as an act of desperation.

When I was at Genius, I always thought of Quora as “THE ENEMY” since both Genius and Quora are crowd knowledge sites. Since we have international branches of Rap Genius, like Rap Genius FranceRap Genius DeutschlandRap Genius Iran, etc., my nickname for Quora was “Rap Genius India” since approximately 99.9999999% of Quora’s users are Indians.

So, I started using Quora out of loneliness, and I intended to be a spammy troll. That was my justification for using the competitor’s website — I thought I’m only here to spam The Enemy with links to my book.

However, bit by bit, I began to become enraptured in the Quora ecosystem. I loved the little Indians asking me questions! Some of them would ask “wait is it really YOU??” and they were really big Rap Genius fans too — I felt like I was teaching English as a Second Language in a New Delhi slum.. I began to feel like Mother Theresa. Indian people are my favorite race — the food, the culture — my love for Indians began to translate into a love for Quora.

Pictured: Maboo with the Quorans

When the “Quora Master” Marc Bodnick messaged me and said they were down to give me a VERIFIED ACCOUNT on Quora, I pretty much shit my pants. I was sooo happy! Ever since I started using the internet, my goal has been to get a verified account on Twitter. That checkmark would mean so much to a famewhore like me. I verified my own account on Rap Genius once and all the sniveling employees got mad and said I’m “watering down” the verification process and made me change it back. So — minus my brief nepotistic excursion on my own website — Quora was the first time I was getting a “celebrity check mark” on any site.

Once Bodnick verified me, I began to go apeshit. I would spend hours and hours on Quora, writing cute, funny troll answers. I wrote an answer to the popular question “What have you done for the first time that felt strange and exciting?” where I described my first time ejaculating and my answer got thousands of upvotes. “Man, I wish Quora had IQ,” I thought to myself, “cause I’d be rolling in it..”
The homie Jeff Meyerson — another “Master Quoran” asked me to be a guest on the Quora podcast  — The Quoracast — and I started to feel like a bona fide celebrity. I started to wonder if maybe Quora would hire me someday.. I could move back to Palo Alto. I missed the Stanford gym so much!
The day after we recorded the Quoracast (in which I was tempted to troll and talk shit, but I held back!) I got into trouble. I dislike Wikipedia cofounder Jimmy Wales because, from what I can tell, he punked his cofounder Larry Sanger, who is the REAL genius behind Wikipedia. Larry is my buddy, he shows Rap Genius a lot of love and is basically the coolest guy ever. Also, Jimmy writes reaaaaaaaally annoying answers on Quora. He writes one-line responses that give no actual information, where he’s trying to be funny and failing miserably. Also his answers are really obnoxious. He responded to “What are Jimmy Wales’ parties like?” by quipping “ordinary cocktails… extraordinary people.” When I read that, I heard him saying it in my head with a snotty British accent — arrrgh! So annoying..

So I started trolling Jimmy, talking shit, then Jimmy got angry and ratted on me to Bodnick, and Bodnick yelled at me. He gave me a “warning”. Then, I Googled Marc and found out he went to Harvard. That’s when I really lost my shit. I decided to go into full-blown “Sepoy Rebellion Mode” against Quora. “Why,” I asked myself, “must these wonderful Indian Quorans be subject to such miserable White Overlords?”

I still ask myself the same question… but I wish I hadn’t blown my shit. I really miss Quora! I miss my verified account, I felt like the “Prince of Quora” — plus I’m sure my Indian fans miss me. I wish Quora would let me back — I would never talk shit about Jimmy again! I don’t care if he is the fake-ass frontman of Wikipedia and is stealing the shine from the ACTUAL founder, I’ll keep my negative feelings to myself.

I understand now that Quora is meant to be a “positivity zone” — negative energy is simply not allowed. In fact, Everipeda has the same policy! Everipedia takes a lot of inspiration from Quora.
So please! Please Marc.. I’m sorry I went to Yale.. I admit Harvard is better.. please Jimmy — gimme one more chance — Jimmy Jimmy gimme one more chance! Take me back guys. I promise I’ll behave this time.

Sunday, November 01, 2015

Peeple Already Exists

The main reason why I fell in love with Everipedia, and asked to join as a cofounder, is that when my brother Sam Kazemian presented it to me at my UCLA talk is, he emphasized that it is geared towards spreading love, knowledge and positivity. Sam made it clear to me that any negativity would not be tolerated on Everipedia; indeed, the Everipedia FAQ stresses a “Zero Tolerance” policy for any negativity or attacks.
I’ve had to deal with a lotttt of negativity and meanness in the press, even though I’m probably the cutest, most lovable guy you have ever met in your life. The Google search for my name has a first result that is A) untrue (I was not fired from Rap Genius, I voluntarily resigned..) and B) really mean. This is in spite of the fact that there is also a lot of very nice, very pleasant stuff about me on the internet, such as this Cosmo interview about how to find your soulmate.
Alas! Google — much like the Peeple app — seems to focus on negativity and hatred. Such is the Hobbesian condition of mankind! However, Everipedia seeks to stand as a beacon against this disturbing tendency in humans to emphasize the negative. On Everipedia, we believe that the only knowledge that is worth sharing — about people, institutions.. anything, really.. — is knowledge that is presented with warmth and friendliness.
If you take a look at my current Everipedia page, (which is not my own work btw — I swear!) it makes me feel very happy and cuddly. The top-voted entry is about stealing from Whole Foods, which is ultimately an act of kindness. Every crumb of food I ever stole from Whole Foods represented sharing with the Masses. I was spreading the love of Whole Foods.. I am basically the “Jesus of Whole Foods”..
The second entry is about Bitcoin, which is going to revolutionize human finance! Whenever I think about Bitcoin, I get a giant grin on my face. Sometimes, I even get a little bit of a boner. I love Bitcoin soooo much — it is probably my 2nd favorite thing ever, in the whole world (after Whole Foods Market, of course).
I challenge you to find a single negative entry on my entire Everipedia. In fact, I challenge you to find anything bad anywhere on the site. It is impossible, because the site repels negativity. Even when Everipedia contains information that is objectively bad — such as famed tech reporter Kara Swisher using her clout to get ass, it is nevertheless always reported with happy-colored glasses on. Everipedia tries to find the goodness in everything, or at least the lessons: that is the motto of our community.
If anybody says anything negative, they are immediately banned for life, and will never be allowed to contribute to the site again.
The founder of the Peeple App, Julia Cordray, has hate gleaming out of her eyes like a fucking cyborg alien.
Before Peeple, Julia was a recruiter, meaning that she was helping nerds find meaningless jobs that would afford them no happiness. If you look carefully upon her, she seems like a person with an infinite capacity to inflict pain.
Julia wears very gross, chunky jewelry, and that is almost always the sign of a wicked person.
Julia went to the University of Calgary, which is known for producing thugs and oil tycoons and sht. University of Calgary’s logo looks kind of like Harvard University’s logo, and Harvard is where basically all evil stuff comes from (the only exception being Facebook which is rad..)

2 of the Everipedia founders, on the other hand, went to UCLA, and the Everipedia HQ is located on UCLA’s campus, and UCLA is a very good, friendly school. The Uber CEO went there and I mean come on, Uber is awesome.
The only evil Everipedia founder is me. I am a terror! All I want to do is create destruction and chaos. However, Everipedia showed me an alternative to the wicked Google of my name. Whereas Googling my own name always made me cry, because of all the mean stuff Google said, looking myself up on Everipedia makes me smile! I love reading people’s supportive comments.
In return, I have committed to Sam to only channel my inherent evilness into loving acts so long as I am a cofounder of Everipedia. Nowadays, whenever I get mad at someone, like my Rap Genius cofounders Tom Lehman and Ilan Zechory, for example, I will simply go to their Everipedia page and add friendly, positive entries, simultaneously gaining IQ points rooted in Love, and therapeutically easing my own anger. Everipedia is basically my Prosac.
Peeple, like Google, wanted to increase the Hobbesian dread of Mankind. They wanted to make us all hate each other more. Everipedia, on the other hand, is a bridge of Unity. It is a home for loving knowledge, for kindness and cohesion, and nothing else.
Shalom Aleynu

Wednesday, September 09, 2015

Poem For Wendy in the STYLE of Wendy

My belly rumbles the message to you Wendy:
Our Paleosporic romance has gone the way of the dodo bird and I'm allergic to airport nuts now.
The herbivore's dilemma has overtaken the instance we made love in Ilan's therapist chair, or sat together in Herman Miller's Aeron.
If it all becomes too much, I'll be in the club with a bottle of bub.
You know how we do: I'll call and bother you late at night, or bother you personally in the morning.
Repetition never goes out of style, and neither does repetition.
If I call, it's just to stalk you. I know there's nothing we can say, certainly not over the phone, I just want to hear "Hey, it's Wendy" and frown.
My dick will always love you.
The first word Wendy Jr. ever learned was water, except in several different languages. The first time she said "ohhhhh" she wasn't even impressed with anything. Is there still
A party going on in Crown Heights? Or did you Uber to another part of Brooklyn.
Whatever you look like, I'm looking to get more serious. It's the skin inside that counts.
I ask only that you let me annotate your shit, stop screenshotting me into oblivion. Stop brushing your teeth, let me do it for you.
I would love to re-enter your life and sleep on the yoga mat of your soul
behind the couch of your pussy. I am your porpoise, I want to dolphin nuzzle you with my knowledgeable fingers.
Here, right now, it's up to you to respond now, but I warn you
If you do respond I'll send you a lot more stupid emails.
I fell in love with you and your sister.
If you see it please belieb it.
If I'm moving too much, tell me to stop moving and I'll try to stop if I can.
The Uber is coming for you, please give your mind to Bard's "raptor museum"
And your body to me, I want it.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Top 5 Yale "Bottom Schools"

If there's one thing they teach us over at Yale University, it is to PENETRATE and not be penetrated. Even the girls learn this.

Elihu Yale himself was a *firm* (no pun intended) believer in this philosophy, which is why he established Vassar College as the first "bottom school" to provide delectable bottoms for Elis...

Below, I've decided to rate the Top Five Yale "Bottom Schools" based on a variety of factors including tightness, hair/grooming, smell and general attractiveness. (I speak based on personal experience as well as input from my classmates):

5. Wesleyan University: Wesleyan doesn't wax, but there is nevertheless a beguiling femininity to Wesleyanites that is quite appealing. Rap Genius founder Ilan Zechory nearly married a Wesleyan bottom. The only problem with Wesleyan is that the success of Das Racist has put hygiene very low on the Wesleyan priority list.

4. Vassar College: Vassar was the original "bottom school" for Yale. In fact, there is a tradition that Vassar students may not obtain their physical diplomas before submitting to the Dean of Studies a used condom proving that they have been safely bottomed by an Eli.

3. Tufts University: Many say that the name "Tufts University" originates from the small, shapely tuft of pubic hair that its graduates maintain above their extraordinarily welcoming orifices. At Tufts, students are taught to keep just enough pubic hair to keep their Brooklyn, hipster credibility, without allowing things to get unsanitary.

2. Columbia University: Columbia University is the most prestigious bottom school for Yalies. There is an aura of eminence contained in bottoming a Columbian. Columbia even has its own bottom school - Barnard College - which has led to the motto: "Qui cacumina montium" - loosely translating to "Who Tops the Tops" - as the battlecry of Bulldogs topping Lions.

1. Bard College: It is the "hippie chic" of Bard students that makes them the most enjoyable people for Elis to top. Nobody can make pubic hair less irritating / more agreeable than a Bardian. The devil-may-care attractiveness of these Bard people, combined with their paralyzed prepubescence, that makes Bard the #1 School For Elis To Top for the past 3 years in a row. Congrats!

Sunday, May 03, 2015

how cool would it be if...

- you start NYU, every month either I visit or you visit
- after a year, you decide it is just TOO MUCH and you transfer to USC
- at USC, you switch to film PhD cause that's the meme
- I sell my UCLA condo and buy one of the fancy new condos in DTLA; at first, you spend weekends over, but then you get into a fight w one of your roommates because he ate your gluten free whatever, and you move in - we get married
- Jenny transfers to USC too for psychology or whatever
- Andy retires from columbia and takes an emeritus position at USC
- the year of your dissertation, you get pregnant with baby wendy
- baby is born, we name her wendy jr.
- (btw at this point I'm super rich)
- you get a teaching job at UCLA, we move into a house in calabassas (little wendy is getting RESTLESS in the condo! breaking lots of stuff)
- you like calabassas because it's the "dobbs ferry of los angeles" ("DF of LA" as we like to call it)
- Jenny's husband is a tech nerd by now, she moves to SF (she teaches at Santa Clara University)
- I stay home and raise wendy jr.
- she basically looks like you except with darker skin! I start teaching her piano
- we have another baby - also a daugher - and decide to name her Jenny Jr., just to match (jenny gets kinda mad because of the Jewish Law but she also kinda thinks it is cute, she ends up building a very close bond with Jenny jr.)
- by now it is time for Wendy Jr. to start school, so we send her to viewpoint
- my father dies, his last words are "I'm so happy I saw wendy jr. and jenny jr., mahbod, I wish I could see them when they get married"
- both of them look like you, but wendy jr. is dark and jenny is fair, so I generally think of wendy more as my baby
- jenny jr. COMPLETELY shunned the notion of learning piano I was deeply hurt
- wendy jr. goes to UCLA - I remember the day she got in I was sooo proud! also so happy she is going there because it probably means she'll marry a persian guy, which I want
- jenny jr. goes to stanford to be close to her aunt - those girls!
- wendy jr. dresses like you - some vince, nothing too crazy
- jenny is always like "daddy buy this daddy buy that!" - she's really going overboard! so materialist...
- marcy teaches yoga now in santa monica at Core Power Yoga
- baby darya babysits for us I pay her $15/hour - she wants 20 but I think that's insane...

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Things of Tom's that I want to jack

Tom Lehman is a living, breathing Whole Foods  - all I want to do is steal his shit!

Here is a list of the things I want to steal from Tom, in order of importance:

1) His ladies: I want to steal all of Tom's girls. He gets a lot of blondes with lithe, ballerina-like bodies. I imagine that - after getting battered from Tom's big cartoon penis - they will feel to me like a nicely broken-in baseball mitt.

2) His money: I would guess that Tom has well over a million dollars in his bank account - also his Genius stock is probably worth a lot. Finally, I'm sure his parents have a trust fund tucked away for him somewhere and haven't told him about it yet.

3) His penis: Tom has a giant cartoon penis. It reminds me of Level 4 in Super Mario Brothers. Although I feel like it would be uncomfortable on the elliptical, I would like to have it for at least a year, just to test drive the equipment...

4) His computer:The Apple MacBook Air "Core i7" 1.7 13-Inch (Early 2014/Haswell) features a 22-nm "Haswell" 1.7 GHz Intel "Core i7" processor (4650U) with two independent processor "cores" on a single chip, a 3 MB shared level 3 cache, 4 GB of onboard 1600 MHz LPDDR3 SDRAM (which can be upgraded to 8 GB at the time of purchase, but cannot be upgraded later), 128 GB or 256 GB of PCIe-based flash storage, and an "integrated" Intel HD Graphics 5000 graphics processor that shares system memory.

5) His shoes: I want all of Tom's Prada and Nike - even the ugly ones. I would wear the ugly ones sometimes just to remind myself of him. Tom gave me his Paris Edition Nike Air Max, they are my favorite shoes.

6) His clothes: Tom buys $10K of Melinda Gloss a year - Tom is smaller than I am, but I like everything to fit extra-tight so it's perfect!

7) His vocab: I love the words Tom uses! I wish they were all mine. My favorite is "sartorial" ("suppurate" is pretty good too...)

8) His lineage: Tom's grandpa was in the House of Representatives from Florida. He built the Florida Monorail (Monorail!) (from The Simpsons) -  one time, Tom got furious that the annotations on the Simpsons "Monorail" song were not up to snuff, it was funny.

9) His brain: if I could somehow posess Tom's brain outside of his fidgety body...that would be awesome! Like the penis, the brain is big too, inflated. I would probably eat the right side and use the left side to build a social network for finance professionals.

Saturday, October 25, 2014


is a skinny girlfriend under 25 that doesn't eat dairy or gluten, doesn't smoke with an active social media presence who went to an elite school and speaks foreign languages and shaves her box working in art or fashion or tech with different colored hair and eyes who has rich parents - is that REALLY so much to ask??

Wednesday, May 07, 2014


- Sleep

 - Work Out

 - Make Love

Basically anything fun!

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

Pimples Went Away!!!!

Not sure if it is because I take Chinese herbs or because I bake the living shit out of my forehead with the S4 sunroof open every day at noon. Still some crispy bumps but nothing swollen or too pimply.

Man... I don't even know if I can write a verse anymore, but I would really smang that Kukukadoo! I suppose I have to earn it however.

You don't even need to pop that shit for pimp anymore baby! Come baaack

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Poem for TheSillySully

your tumblr is your blog
an oral history
tatted on the internet so I know it's real

your pinterest style is childlike sexuality.
Althea someday will look here
to make a scrapbook.
it will cost tens of thousands to purchase
the vision you have wrought

your instagram is the pipes and
filters of your delicate web presence

your twitter is a black girl's twitter
with chocolate skin and dark green eyes

your eyes don't seem to fit
framed in the web of your brow

your neck is a long cathode ray tube
- or ethernet connection.
you are a vintage girl
obsessed with antiques

your vine is still high-concept, early stage
a portent of the internet-to-come

your tinder is deactivated
in accordance with the rules of Islam.

your facebook is gnarled and
chewed up. yesterday's toy, nothing
remains here but a timeline of
alluring photos to show outsiders

your snapchat is the highest art.
I'm fond of seeing you rest on your pillow
before the snap diffuses.
an intimacy outdone only by
exploring your back
with my fingers in real life
on the very same snapchat pillow,
or imagining your singing voice
on the old-fashioned telephone

Most Heartbreaking Thing you can say to Iranian Jewish Boy

"We are sooo far from me coming to Shabbat, trust me..."

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Water patrol

SCENE: Ralphs of Utah (they call it "Smith's")

LADY: Wow! Thirsty!

tries to hand me receipt

BENEFICENT ALLAH: it's cool I don't need the receipt

LADY: OK you sure?? I don't want...the WATER POLICE to give you any trouble at the door! Hah!

Fuck around w/yayo

Mike Naboddy: Dogg, you can't just offer a girl coke. You have to feel around.

Beneficent Allah: And how do you do that?

MN: You know... "do you party?"

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

ode to my stillborn twin sister

I have no doubt I would have fucked
Your sexy friend and had her tell you
About the handprints left on her ass
"Please, stop, I don't want
To hear it" you would say

Your hair would be fine, but your eyelashes
And legs - flawless - you'd insist on Manolos
After laser hair removal
You would fearlessly bare your *poitrine*
(not unlike your brother)

You would have gone
To Stanford
Too skinny, too poor of circulation
To accompany Mahbod East

Your weakness for almond butter
Late at night
Would guilt you out of breakfast
After nights spent drinking

Your commitment to Zumba
And Soulcycle would inspire
Me not to eat

You'd sport hand-me-downs
From big sister Mastaneh
As if you're still an 80's teenager
In 2010, and consider cousin Maryam
Your style icon

Monday, December 10, 2012

Dreidel dreidel

LITTLE JUSTIN: Mahbod... are you still going out with...that blonde girl?
BENEFICENT ALLAH: Justin you mean Katie? You forgot her name?

He meant Betsy!

I dunno it made me feel pemp....

Friday, November 30, 2012

DATE with Beneficent Allah

Once you're madd rich, it's amazing, there's lots of thin girls who are down to eat sushi with you, make out with you.. nutts seem to get even more rare though, which is counterintuitive unless you're from the jungle. You miiiiight get a handjob.. which is fine with me because I like to be kissing when I ejaculate.

The dates become formulaic too, especially with the BENEFICENT Allah. It's the same formula I've been using since I started blogging, really.. I guess I've perfected it now. Girls seem to like it but I'm getting bored..

- Do you know what a Gettier is? etc etc Gettiers are the existentialism to the Meme's essentialism.

- Oh you're going to Paris? You gotta hang out with my boy Remi! Here let me show you his youtube (sorry I know it's bad to show things on the internet bla bla):

- Have you seen The Jew Map?

- This is one of my favorite drives in Los Angeles, there are points where you can see all the lights of the Valley and all the lights of 310..

- Evian doesn't taste good but that's why it's good for your skin.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Annoying Alpha Meme

- "Now what do I know? I just sell stocks for a living, but... (bla bla bla internet doomed to fail)" (ACTUALLY A TRADER AT GOLDMAN SACHS HONG KONG)

- "Now what do I know? I just sell cars for a living, but... (bla bla bla internet doomed to fail)" (ACTUALLY OWNS ALL THE MITSUBISHI DEALERSHIPS IN SOUTHERN FLORIDA)

Sunday, September 02, 2012

"I don't want to fuck, Beneficent Allah"

Girls have a lot of reasons for not wanting to fuck the BENEFICENT Allah. Some of the most oft-heard:

- "I don't want to submit to Islam"
- "I think you're gay"
- "You're not the rich text you once were"
- "I want to be sure you'll marry me"
- "My family hates you"
- "I'm too focused on my R&B career to fuck at the moment"

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Biography of Anxious Phantom Limbs

My first anxiety phantom limb was the shooting pain in my elbow during Academic Decathlon. I thought that my arm was going to fall off. Brain quiz would make it go nuts.

Then I didn't have an anxiety phantom limb for a long time.

My second anxiety phantom limb was the quiver at the top of a breath while I was working at the law firm because I was eating too much chocolate.

My third anxiety phantom limb was the eye twitch when I was stealing tree nuts from Andronico's to survive.

My fourth anxiety phantom limb is going to kill me. My chest thinks I only have one lung and tightens. I think my Baba had a heart attack from the same phantom limb, except he didn't have a heart attack, he just thought he had it.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Esphawnee Soirée

I was wandering around aimlessly last night when my friend Esphawnee called to invite me and Ben N. to an Esphawnee family dinner celebrating his sister's birthday.

For the uninitiated, let me explain: Esfehan was Iran's ancient capital, and they still haven't gotten over it. They have beautiful buildings, and the people are known for being light-skinned and sneaky. Esphawnee Jews are known for being extra-sneaky.

Stepping into an Esphawnee household is like entering an alternate universe; the last are first, and the world turns upside-down. The very adjective "Esphawnee" - a grave insult in a Hamedooni home like mine - becomes the highest compliment.

Needless to say, after 8 years of friendship, meeting Esphawnee's family was an encounter of Dickensian proportion. Meeting his dad, whom I've quoted on this blog, was epic: completely bald, yet arguably the best-looking man I have ever seen, with piercing, baby-blue eyes.

For the birthday cake ceremony, after singing the song in English and Persian, the entire family produced a deafening hum that grew louder and louder over the course of five minutes, ending with an uncle smearing a healthy dollop of chocolate frosting on the birthday girl's nose. Apparently this was something they did all the time. It was all really cute, I felt like Margaret Meade.

As for Esphawnee's sister, well, I shouldn't say too much; it was only her 18th birthday. But you can imagine...quite pretty. My favorite part was that she wore a t-shirt, black tights and ballet slippers, with everyone else in coats and ties. And she sat on her brother's lap for all of tea, attentively listening to him go on about the pitfalls of adjustable-rate commercial mortgages.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012


NB: I'm not a racist I'm a RACIALIST

- Russian woman, 40s: "Very nice glasses, BCBG Max Azaria, my insurance covered very good"

- Armenian girl, 20s: "I do marketing for a mortgage company"

- White girl, 20s, in nyc: "I couldn't live ANYwhere else!" and/or "I'm definitely a Carrie"

- Jewish girl, college, in paris, semester abroad: "J'ADORE le felafel!"

- White girl, 20s, in nyc: "I don't even HAVE a driver's license!"

- White I-banker guy: "Rosa Mexicana is great...delicious...she can get a salad...I'll get a burrito..."

- American college girl in italy, semester abroad: "Look at this purse!" and/or "I could LIVE off gelato"

Monday, June 11, 2012

Ten Reasons To Blog

All I ever hear is "you're using your blog as an SEO scam! You're using your blog as an SEO scam! Are you beta or something?"

I blog for LOTS of reasons ok? Par exemple:

10. Katie Kadue
9. #pussymoneyweed
8. Thereauvian Idyl
7. Tom Lehman
6. Warren Buffett
5. Networking/"Building"
4. Respect
3. SEO Scam
2. Cash
1. "Jouissance"

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Beneficent Allah: Brooklyn Hygiene Edition


- Water burns you when it is lukewarm (bc of poison algae)

- Bathroom tiles have screaming faces floating inside

- Puffy face makes it harder to clean the nooks and crannies

- Mirror/lighting makes me look so old!

- Rolling Tom a blunt makes my mouth taste like a garbage can

- There's only so many pairs of non-jeans pants a man can soil in a week....

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

It Felt Pimp To Say

Sister: Have you gotten taller?

Beneficent Allah: No - richer


Sunday, January 08, 2012


"B is for Bibi! A is for Arafat!" - Felafel stand owner who got a "B" in health inspection

Sunday, January 01, 2012

Typical Goldman Sachs Interview Question

"What is the smallest container that would adequately fit the compressed ashes from all 6 million Jews burned in the Holocaust?"

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Starving Child Loves RG

Hey Rap genius,
i surely adore what you do with lyrics and rap.
I am a boy living in kenya ,africa and fell in love with hip hop when i was nine years old,i rap and record myself with a mobile phone with beats from the internet...i have tried placing my raps on rap genius but they keep telling me you tube url needed..i have tried all i can with my phone to place my song in you tube but it seems my phone does not have the strength..i was wondering if you can help if someone could place a URL FROM another easy site or i send you my recording you change it to a video then you send it back to me..pliz im in a remote area i cant acess any computers..sorry for spending your time..thank you

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Rap Genius HQ


- The viewwww!!!

- Heating system designed to make you feel no heat/cold

- Doorman Garfield Rock pedals the elliptical for me in the gym

- Kitchen furnished with predigested proteins and granite countertops

- Bathrooms feature a penis desensitizer

- 12 foot ceilings

- Daily building colonic available at 9

- Walk-in closet is PERFECT SIZE for the specter of ancestral memory

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Best new pick-up line:

"Let's explore memes together.."

Friday, August 26, 2011

#1 Wish

For my birthday, all I want this year is a phatic Phillippe watch

Monday, November 29, 2010

Who Tweeted It?

Kate Riley or Karl Lagerfeld.

1. "'shoegasm': everything I don't get about being female in one gross word"

2. "forgiveness is too easy. I can forget by indifference, but not forgive. I prefer revenge."

3. "scarves are just beards for girls!"

4. "the french say you get hungry when you’re eating, and I get inspired when I’m working. It’s my engine."

Answer bank: Kate Riley (@bubblebathos), Karl Lagerfeld (@karl_lagerfeld)

Thursday, October 07, 2010

Obsession for Men

Katie: You only think about working out! The only thing you care about is working out!

Beneficent Allah: ...

Friday, September 24, 2010

You down with DDT?

A lady at the Hoaf today was like "soft-skinned fruits have to be organic, because the pesticides - they kill fungus! - and they seep in! Your food is killing living things!"

Kills fungus, eh? Where can I buy this "pesticide" you speak of? Do they sell it in the bulk bins? Can I sprinkle it on my bran flakes?

Friday, September 10, 2010

Lobsters & Coconuts (AND cocaine!!)

Shared some basil with Matt aka "Lobsters & Cocaine" tonight.. he's moved into my old room chez Luther in order to feel guilted into losing weight. (It's working!)

Remember Luther was a Marine..

After dinner, we passed a gelateria:

Matt: You never just.. want a sundae??

No, Matt, because ice cream is not food..

When I'm feeling naughty, what I DO want to eat is:

- $25 of tomatoes

- 5 pounds of carrots

- All the loquats from a giant tree for the whole year.. at once

- A Gallon of my own urine

- A Bathtub of kelp noodles

- A life-sized salmon sashimi sculpture shaped like a thin, sexy girl

- 40 mg of Adderall

- "Young Coconut Snowman"

Anything that's food! Not ice cream..

Monday, May 31, 2010

Rap Genius HQ

(SCENE: Rap Genius HQ, East Village, NYC)

Tom: I wonder what life would be like if I were a woman! I wonder!

(enter Liz)

Tom: Hello Liz! Do you want to go shopping for women's underwear? We are, after all, both women!

Liz: This is true! I see no reason why we both couldn't go out and buy some women's underwear!

Tom: Nor do I!


(enter the ACTUAL God)

Actual God: Are you doing anything tonight, Tom?

Tom: Why no - besides going out with a strapping young man such as yourself!

Actual God: Excellent! Shall we say, nineish?

Tom: It's a date!

Friday, May 28, 2010

You can't be buried in a Jewish cemetery if..

- You have a tattoo (EXCEPTIONS: 1. Numbers from the Holocaust 2. Anything really cute)

- You've ever said, "The porkbelly is delicious! So tender.."

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Loq'ed out

[To the tune of Gucci Mane's "Never Too Much Money"]

I can't stop, I won't stop, I keep eating loquats
Never too much, never too much loquats
I woke up gummin', lips feeling swollen
Never too much, never too much loquats!

Seriously though, anybody have calorie info on these things?

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Top 10 comp. lit. mixer pick-up lines

1. So are you girls into theory?

10. Would you rather be degraded? Or doted on? Is that the same thing?

Thursday, April 22, 2010

The worst part about skinny jeans

- Make my thighs look fat?

- Difficult to change into gym shorts standing up?

- Confused sexuality will lead us the way of the dodo bird?

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Meditations on Obamacare

I was talking to a Persian Dentist Friend of mine today about the historic health care bill; he filled me in on what "le monde dentale" thinks about the legislation.


All of the new dental thinking is about floss;
In this it resembles the thinking from the pre-invasive
age of traditional dentistry. The idea, for example,
that inter-dental plaque is far more ruinous
than what forms on the surface.
That even toothbrush motion probing the gum line
at a suitable angle and pressure is, by its nature,
limited to a superficial scrubbing of our least
vulnerable enamel. Or the other notion that,
because there is in this world no one time
at which it is ideal to floss, a Kroger's
in one's pocket signifies sound hygienic habits.
We talked about it during an old man's root canal -
the dental hygienist and I - as she noted
the decay hidden behind his pearly surface.
After a while, I understood that, without floss,
brushing this way, everything dissolves: wisdom,
incisor, premolar and molar. There was a woman
whose teeth I cleaned and I remembered how, holding
the water pick in my hands sometimes,
I felt a violent sense of impotence (for I had
told her to floss and gargle with salt before bed.
She would not listen). Tilapia, broccoli, a granola bar
and muddy chunk of Toblerone, un-removed since their
consumption yet she would not floss. It hardly takes any time.
Lodging, we say, because the mouth is full
of endless crevices - her breath smelled as it tastes.
But I remember so much, the way her back teeth trapped oats,
the way that bits of carrot agitated her swollen gums.

There are moments when the mouth is as numinous
as words, days gums do not bleed. And yet such tenderness
as flossing may engender is well worth the power to
remove blackberry, toast, and other food particulates.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Top 10 failed St Patrick's day pick up lines

10. Am I wearing tighter pants than you?

9. So what's Gucci Mane's real name?

8. I'll give you $20 to talk to me for 30 minutes.

7. Want to see a picture of my ex-girlfriend's leg right after yoga?

6. Do you think the waitress is anorexic?

5. Let me guess: Korean

4. Yea, so I write for this T.V. show, Californication. Pretty popular, actually.

3. Belinda...such a beautiful name

2. How many $100 bills do I have in my pocket? Take a guess.

1. I'm Persian Jewish...but I consider myself an Islamophile..

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Vork Product

They say that money doesn't make a I've decided to return the favor. As the Germans say, "if you love your arbeit set it frei"

As a dernier thug life I decided to post my final billable memo. (Keeping the client secret but hint: rhymes with "Ballstate")


DATE: May 31, 2009

TO: Ballstate Insurance Company

FROM: The Beneficent Allah

RE: Likely Candidates for Earth Inheritance

I. Introduction

You have asked me to analyze which species has a "more-likely-than-not" probability of Inheriting the Earth ("Inheritance"), and the ramifications of said Inheritance on the Life and P+C insurance industries.

II. Facts

Although a fungal Inheritance is a reasonable market assumption, insects and several probiotic species are potential rivals whose chances of success should be contemplated.

A. Fungus and Probiotics

In addition to the beauty of mushrooms, fungi provide a critical part of nature's continuous rebirth by recycling dead organic matter into useful nutrients. However, although credit market conditions have temporarily grounded certain parasitic fungi, notable fungologists have argued that the parasite is arguably the future's fungus.

The fruit of Basidiomycota is the mover to watch. Many mushrooms in this phylum look like umbrellas growing from the ground or like shelves growing on wood. The latticed stinkhorn, in particular, has seen an unprecedented era of caloric devlopment and could emerge from the market freeze as a leader.

B. Meek

The Meek are unlikely to Inherit the Earth.

C. Insects

Insects are currently going through what is referred in financial theory as a "molting cycle." Deep insect divisons are currently taking place on a cellular level and cells are most sensitive to "vorm" when they are dividing. (This is why vorm therapy is effective in treating cancer.)

The so-called "Molting Diversion" presents a serious threat to continued insectual dominance, making the insect an unwise investment focus for the time being.

III. Recommendation

Based on the above, I recommend that fungal policies be routinely analyzed as part of the actuarial data analysis process, as well as the appointment of a "Chief of Fungal Marketing" in the New York office.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Bars Deuce

NY Bar: "Oh, walk through Hell's Kitchen! Pull-ups on the jungle gym! I find the squalor so romantic...I should blog this...quel artiste! I have to wear a wristband overnight like in Nazi times! MmmmMMMmm!!"

Fuck Jew York. I'm taking the CA bar in the Century Plaza Hotel...I finished 1 1/2 hours early, ordered a salmon sashimi from the bar, went out and lounged topless by the pool...Arab women sunned themselves as their children bathed in chlorine and the BENEFICENT Allah!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Some Bar

(Scene: A and/or the bar...Any bar)

Beneficent Allah: Tom I do hope that you won't simply flitter away this evening as you are often wont to do.

Tom: I'm just feeling so...letharj, Beneficent Allah.

BA: Bother! What could it be?...aha! Stick out your tongue. if I know anything about anything, that tonguescruff means Worm. And Worm means Company, and Company means Food and Listening-to-me-Humming and such like.

Tom: Food. Yes, maybe some food will do the trick! What about a mouthful of something? And look here, I've got some de-liii-cious sangwiches for us! Apple or carrot with your sangwich, Beneficent Allah?

BA: Both! But...(so as not to seem greedy)...don't bother about the sangwich, please.

Tom: And for you, vorm?

Worm: I'll have just a sangwich, please. And if Beneficent Allah won't be having his...

BA: (bites into carrot) MMMMmmmmM! A tasty carrot, Directly Fresh! Freshly Direct! I...I haven't had a tasty carrot for so long...

Tom: And why's that?

BA: Well...I've alchemized my old sambar concoction into a New and Tasty Sambar Treat Consisting of:

2 leaves Kombu Kelp
2 cups'Eau
1 cup o' dash o' Flax (Homemade)
1 cup Chamomile
1 cup Tea/Tilo & Tilleul
1/4 cup Thyme
3 Hoafish Wasabees
Too Much Coriander, Cayenne and Curry
Not Enough Chickpeas
a Turnip or So
Pinch of Motherwort
Hint of Nutmeg, and...
The Day's Tea Leaves
all Bouilled together until I grow impatient. I can't get enough!

Tom: Sounds delicious, Beneficent Allah.

BA: Would you care to try it? Perhaps you could come over later tonight (and you too Worm!) and we'll make an evening of it, blaze on the rooftop...

Worm: Why Beneficent Allah! Offering me, an intestinal worm, a Poisonous Sambar!

(enter The ACTUAL God)

Tom: And how are you, Actual God?

Actual God: Not very how...I don't seem to have felt at all how for a long time.

BA: Dear, dear. I'm sorry about that. Now turn about, let's have a look at you.

(dainty pirouette)

BA: Charming...spitting image of your mother!

AG: And can we see the back of you, My Dear Old Allah?

(spritely spin)

AG: Why Beneficent Allah, what's happened to your hair?

BA: What has happened to it?

AG: It isn't there!

BA: Are you sure?

AG: Well, either hair is there or it isn't there You can't make a mistake about it. And yours isn't there!

BA: Then what is?

AG: Nothing.


BA: Let's have a look (circles to where his hair had been a little while ago) Sigh...I believe you're right.

AG: Of course I'm right.

BA: That accounts for a Good Deal. It explains Everything. No Wonder.

AG: You must have left it somewhere.

BA: Somebody must have taken it.

AG: How Like Them.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Quel Caractère!

I passed the moral character and fitness requirements and I'm really a lawyer now, swear to bob. It was easy, you just need to do 20 pull-ups, 10 min. erg and some precor...

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Subtle Memes

This blog is heretofore devoted to subtle memes. Let's set us off:

1) People who talk about Kermit Roosevelt - from a historical perspective - with a perfectly straight face, as if it's not hilarious that his name is Kermit Roosevelt i.e. "Kermit Roosevelt was a principal architect of detente! Kermit Roosevelt was a raging alcoholic!" etc...

2) Telling a story where you implicitly demonstrate your knowledge that Al Gore and Gore Vidal are related, but no "Did you know they are related?" as if to say "Of course I know that they are related, as does everyone who I communicate with. If it were news to me or any of my audience, I would be working at The New Republic, not the New Yorker..."

e.g. "Gore Vidal gave a prescient speech at Al and Tipper's wedding on the future of globalization..." e.g. "Obvi Gore was at their wedding! they are related..."

Saturday, March 14, 2009


Living in New York makes me want to steal. Katie steals grapes. I stole grilled portobello from work yesterday - just walked out the cafeteria like whoa, not even any art to it - and today I stole nori from the Hoaf. We both steal the wsj, usually either from Bethany Thomas in our building or Thierry Vincent over at 13 E. 18th st. (conveniently on the way to the Hoaf)...I've never met these people, but if you haven't picked up your wsj by noon then I already have a Thierry about you: you're gay.

I have a book idea: its called An Economic History of would attempt to narrativize every dollar I've earned or spent since age five. Theft would be in there too, mengs...bien sur...and would receive a clever accounting treatment at which historians of the Twentieh century would marvel in years to come. I also have another book idea: it would be a Sexual History of Me as an Insect.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


Post work hydrative Recessionary Sambar of Occidation (serves 1):

1/4 cup dry chickpeas
1 cup o' eau
2 packets whole foods wasabi (stolen)
4 (quatres) espices
1/8 cup dried barberries
3 twigs wakame seaweed
dash of "Dash o' Flax"
pinch of Motherwort "Female Body Balancer"

PREPARATION: Bring to a boullion for 15 minutes. Impatiently eat celery.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Cheese Description

- La Peral (Asturias, Northern Spain) Pasteurized Cow: The handiwork of a single producer, La Peral is - for most of the year - a pasteurized cow's milk cheese; from January to May sheep's milk may be added. It was created about 80 years ago by an Asturian dairyman who lived to be 106. The ivory interior is veined moderately blue-gray; weeps moisture at room temperature.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Omnivore's Dilemma...

Yesterday I received an envelope containing a mysterious white powder...yayo? anthrax?

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Liveblogging: Election Coverage

(all times P.M.)

7:32 - Macoun apples...pret-ty couny...Ilawngeles (Macoungeles)

8:23 - The Actual God: I never liked 'I'm all Ilawn'...Ilawngeles is much better.
The Beneficent Allah: How about 'Iran Zechory'?
AG: Yea...I like that...

8:26 - John...MaCoun...

8:40 - Antosca: 'This room is suffering from a severe empathy gap!'

9:08 - Katie: There is such totality to 'totes'...

9:23 - Amalia: Well guys... (waves Metrocard)
Katie: I think she's trying to tell us something...

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Fruits de la mer(tume)

Beneficent Allah is applying to business school, and they want to know...things. Being rich in text, I don't have a problem with that. But there's one question I can't answer:

Short Answer:

If you could change one thing you've done in your life, what would it be, and how would you do it differently? (250 word maximum)

I wouldn't have been born at all? No, that's silly.

So, I went for a more marketing-based response:

"If I could change one thing, I wouldnt have gone to work this morning, I would have put on my suit, shined up my chassures, and gotten back into bed with my hot, naked girlfriend."

What do you think? Will it get me in? Subtle mixture of sensuality and virility?

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

One last freynch...

We passed a depot-vente today and they had some nice costumes in the window, including a tux, and a crimson robe with leopard trim:

Beneficent Allah: Do you think that counts as business-casual? I mean...I am the king of things, I run the circus like a ring-a-ling...
Katie: ...and you have a kir royale.

Ok the FNAC guy is looking at me I better rap this up.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Date with the Actual God, vol I

(scene: Hotel Vitale, San Francisco)

Actual God: And it wasn't even the real game! Practice!
Sexy Girl, Lithe Body of a Ballerina: !
AG: So more round? or...
SGLBB: Actually I have to model tomorrow...I'm really sorry...I'm not usually this lame...
AG: No its cool
SGLBB: You're really sexy...I love your arms
AG: Yea you've got a boddy

Saturday, July 05, 2008


In Paris I keep a rigid economy...but for philosophical reasons. I keep 2000 euros in my sock but I spend only on turnips and fruits, and the occasional artichoke if Katie's been a good girl.

We live in a chambre de bonne just outside the Jardin de Luxembourg, which is nice if you like that sort of thing. We have a private douche, but that's really all we have. We fuck to save space, and I clic-clac the futon in the mornings so we have room for yoga.

I study for the barreau in the cafe Katie works at, it's a book-themed place which is nice because she can sneak some snacks! Sometimes the spinstress/waitress tries to get me to order stuff but then I explain my rigid economy and the weak dollar and I'm lactose intolerrant...and besides why are there no artichokes on the menu?! Then she slinks off, intimidated by my big book and little ipod, and usually leaves me alone.

I drink a lot of water to help wash down the corpus of the law. I wake up most mornings with a backache and an idiot grin plastered on my face, which engenders a lot of "what? what are you smiling about huh?! what's so funny?!" so I make her drink 2 liters of water and send her off to work.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Rod Update

Hey just got an e-mail from The "Actual" Rod! he's in Cambodge...I'm visiting in 6 weeks:

Dear Beneficent Allah,

I arrive in Phnom Penh safely this afternoon with Sotheary! As the plan landed about 5 munutes, the sky started to rain heavily. All the road flooded, nothing strange every rainy season the road always flooded. As you are coming in the rainy season so be ready for this. Anyway it's better than Hot season, you melt like ice-cream!

I just want to say missing you guy, and tell that i'm very happy be friend with you, it was such a great time. I really looking forward to see you come down here, and sharing your experience to communities.

Once again, I'm always reachable with this contact, so if you ever have any question about Cambodia/need any assistant from me, don't be hesitate to contact me; i'll try to help the way i can.

My best regards to you!

Take good care,

PS: Send lot of thanks to Liam, Windy, & all the BAB's stuff in New Haven. Missing Venkat too!
Mr. Rodd Sanjabi
Junior Officer
Housing Rights Task Force
C/o Office:#54, Street 306,
P.O.Box: 1121, Phnom Penh,Cambodia

Friday, April 25, 2008

AIDS-e Shoma Mobarak!

I hate France. I used to love France. What happened to me? For the past hour and a half, I've been sitting in my apartment str8 hydratin and rollin on foam. I feel like my posture is getting worse. How can this be? Mamman periodically calls, asks about my chakras, if I'm going to graduate. Shut up I'm busy.

Looking back years from now, feminist historians will undoubtedly argue that this April was verily the cruelest month for the Beneficent Allah. First off, I'm quitting coffee, spine feels wobbly-wobbly. I know, it's just the chemicals hurts! ouuuch! I think the Actual God got his butt blown up, I'm so worried...I just got a check for like 10 G's in the mail, and it's tax-free, and...all I want to buy is cash.

I've also developed an unfortunate little prescription drug problem. I need to rail some ritalin just to go to sleep at night...but my nose is always stuffy from the ritalin, and only ritalin can really clear it up. Vicious cycle, no?

To make matters worse, I've sprouted a sharp pimple on my chest that is super sensitive to pressure. Like when I push on it, I start worrying about my heart. Alright I'm lying. There is no pimple. I sense your doubt, and that's okay. You suspect that there really is a pimple, and I'm lying about lying to protect my fragile ego. I see no way to convincingly state the case without digging a hole for myself, yadadadawmean?

Good Shabbas, my flock. Please! remember: don't hog the challah; praise be to ALLAH!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Who said it?

Juelz or Paul Kennedy.

1. "British is dundo for lettin his guns blow"

2. "The all-embracing unit of the world economy constitutes an antithetical tendency to the otherwise nationally organized social life of humanity, and the dynamism of capitalism as a world system has been based on that same antinomy."

Answer bank: Juelz, Paul Kennedy.

also, how hard would this be:

(HGS, 2nd floor hallway)

Paul Kennedy: Get em Charlie!
Hon. Charles Hill: Tato tato
John Gaddis: Oh that Charlie...he's the cutest dip!


Scene 2

Paul Kennedy: (talking about John Gaddis' wife, sotto voce) And she will swallow a hoola hoop, Ask around, she will swallow the juicy fruit...

Monday, April 07, 2008

Ca s'mawnge?!

Everybody eats, ok? Marwan eats pasta and Romain has a noontime éclair. Katie sits at German cafes and eats books, dressed in a gown of linen and rhomboid lace.

Matt Lim drinks coffee and devours the tax code, Harold Bloom devours his children. The Actual God eats a bombass sangwich, with honey mustard, and...Liams eats honey mustard.

I try not to eat tamarind, oh! but it is difficult: a laceration is a tongue's hangover, it craves more poison.

The Talmud nourishes the mind.

The poor eat artichoke because they squander the ruffage - which is the better part - and that is why they're poor.

The moral of the story: everybody eats

So next time you're like, omg sangwich, honey-mustard, better than g-heav MMMMmm! just do us all a favor and shut the fuck up

Saturday, April 05, 2008


(law library)

Student: Hey you think you could turn that down?

BA:, sorry...shorty wanna fuck...

Thursday, April 03, 2008

New Dipset

April is the cruelest month
Dispet got dem Rugers ma
In our belts we do this hun
You messin wit the truest, ma

Oh, la, la, the chick ain't got no soutien gorge
Like Grampa on the rocking porch
I'm droolin wit my rocks en-gorged...

Fiends want my rock I'm sure
And I deliver like the Stork
Stork, Starks, stocks, FARC
Y'all need an underwriter
But I got JR Writer
My nigga under write ya
Oversell ya
He the fella

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Mo Murdaseille

Shit...everybody be callin me, facebook msgin me like, "so when you gonna blog bout France killa??"

It's like, god damn, bitches! What you want me to say [seille]?! I mean it was bomb, yea, but...1) Je ne travaille pas bien sous pression and 2) Does the word "inbloggable" mean anything to you? Like the old man with no larynx and the baller ascot, who gave us a ride from the vignobles to the centre ville in his chartreuse am I supposed to blog that?

Les nuages de Provence, the bite of the Mistrel on your fingers as you carry a chilled Chandon half across Marseille at three in the mawnin, the tinkle-tankle of yachts in the Villefranche harbor...oh la! A blog is just a metonym, ok? It doesn't have hasn't learned to love.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Law School Registrar Scene (Vol. II)

(Today in hallway)

Liz Ingram (Assistant Registrar): Looks like some-body's got a tan!

BA: (internally) Looks like some-body's on my nuts!

Sunday, March 02, 2008



1. What shape is the Internet?

2. What is the color of money?

3. What is the taste of birth control?

Walking home from the Caltrain I stopped at the gas station for an Evian, and the Mexicaings was tapping the beat to...I want to say Cucaracha, but the other one...da dum da dum da dum, da da da da dum da dum...with his fingers...I was choking so hard on the banality that I couldn't even manage a simple hoopa la gas-o-lee-na.

Monday, February 25, 2008

A Day in the Life of Hannah Geller

10:00 - 11:00: wake up in sound-proof chamber, snuggle
11:00 - 11:30: shower under a highland waterfall
12:00 - 2:00: lift, listen to Killa Cam
3:00 - 5:30: courthouse, recover nazi paintings
6:00 - 8:00: meditation at Church of Jesus Christ, Scientist
9:00 - 11:00: dinner in an underground bunker
12:00 - ???: back to the sound-proof chamber, get freaky-freaky

Most of this is a joke...but, Jesus Chrysler, pick up your fucking phone Hannah.

Thursday, January 17, 2008


It faces west, and round the back and sides
High beeches, bending, hang a veil of boughs,
And sweep against the roof. Wild honeysucks
Climb on the walls, and seem to sprout a wish
(If we may fancy wish of trees and plants)
To overtop the apple trees hard-by.

Red roses, lilacs, variegated box
Are there in plenty, and such hardy flowers
As flourish best untrained. Adjoining these
Are herbs and esculents; and farther still
A field; then cottages with trees, and last
The distant hills and sky.

Behind, the scene is wilder. Heath and furze
Are everything that seems to grow and thrive
Upon the uneven ground. A stunted thorn
Stands here and there, indeed; and from a pit
An oak uprises, Springing from a seed
Dropped by some bird a hundred years ago.

In days bygone--
Long gone--my father's mother, who is now
Blest with the blest, would take me out to walk.
At such a time I once inquired of her
How looked the spot when first she settled here.
The answer I remember. 'Fifty years
Have passed since then, my child, and change has marked
The face of all things. Yonder garden-plots
And orchards were uncultivated slopes
O'ergrown with bramble bushes, furze and thorn:
That road a narrow path shut in by ferns,
Which, almost trees, obscured the passers-by.

Our house stood quite alone, and those tall firs
And beeches were not planted. Snakes and efts
Swarmed in the summer days, and nightly bats
Would fly about our bedrooms. Heathcroppers
Lived on the hills, and were our only friends.

- Thomas Hardy

Thursday, January 10, 2008

All I want for graduation...

hay mahbod khaneh gol I love you and we missed you last night at the hannukah party. janis got you a gift, so it will be waiting for you when you get back, that reminds me what would you want for your graduation gift, other than a patek phillip watch, anything affordable by us? let me know when you think about it, love you, hope you are having fun in vienna. your loving sis mojgan

Honestly, honestly, the top 4 things I want for graduation are:

4. A crystal gram of Peruvian yayo ($60; Dan N's boy Reuben)
3. Ten 100 dollar bills, with small faces ($1,000;
2. A Glock 22 ($390;
1. A Hugo Boss microfiber trenchcoat ($700;

But I would just feel silly asking my sister for any of that! So I asked for this...honestly, after those four - and the Patek Philippe - it is #6

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Travel blog!

My apartment in Vienna is the ballerest place I have ever lived, with high ceilings and a heated towel rack. The building was a Hapsburg hôtel particulier, one of the eagle's heads is peeking into my's starin at me dogg.

Thom visited last week and made us go to the Cathedral and do other homo shit, otherwise I just eat pomegranates and go to the gym...what kind of Jewfus goes on vacation just to go to the gym, right? Best gym ever though. The interior is all wood and adorned with posters of 80's-era bodybuilders like Casey Viator (Schwarzenegger is conspicuously absent...verily, no prophet is accepted in his own country). In between country-western songs, they play a who's who of songs I am embarassed to admit I like...Seal's "Crazy", Billy Joel's "Piano Man"...and the #1 song in their playlist, C&C Music Factory's "Everybody Dance Now".

Honestly, honestly, how tight is that song?! I've heard it in there three times hard is the flow? Tryin to get a nutt so move yo butt, Everybody over here everybody over there.

I visited Hitler's hometown and I got so emotional...

There's a barber shop next to my apartment where they shave you and serve you tea like the old school. I went in and the dude shooed me away: "Like you see, we are very old, and we take only the old people..." I begged and pleaded, I told him I'm a writer (I consider myself an artist) from America and I needed him to shave me, at any price, so I could write about it. He gave in. Shaved me for free! (He did a whackass job, but...he's old...the tea was pretty good.)

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Liam's Rhymes

"Actually do you have a smoking room available?"

Thugthugthuuug! I made the non-Jewishest hotel request of my life in ny on Friday in anticipation of Mr. Wrongway, who was taking the train from New Haven to stay with me. Liams is d-d-dirty dirty, and they charge a $300 "smoking fee" in the non-smoking rooms so I didn't want to get burned. Also, I was trying to get into a "thug mentality" since Liams is Irish; I had purposely left my Patinol and my oiled leather sponge at home for the same reason. A man doesn't need these things...

There was only one smoking floor in the entire hotel so it was pretty cloudy. One time, I waited for the elevator with two Arabs who looked like they were heading out to the club; the thicker one had his chemise unbuttoned all the way, but tucked in to form a hair-V of extraordinary sexuality. The Australian family next door to me was conducting a Pall Mall hotbox; through the walls, I could feel their children getting cancer. With no Patinol, I felt like a prisoner in Auschwitz during allergy season. It's not easy being a man.

Liams and Rugby Dan came over around 8:30 and we went to WhoFo for dinner. Liams had brought Badderall, which made us even smarter. I was honored to be in the company of such bloggers. Sadly, no rhymes were kicked...although we discussed Rod at length and concluded that he is a Fundamental Force for Good ("Rod FFG")

Best snippet at WhoFo:

Rugby Dan: Steven Fry, he's amazing, V is for Vendetta, Oscar Wilde, a bit of Fry and Laurie...

Liams: Wait...what are you listing?

Although he still got messy, Liams seemed genuinely improved. He didn't boot in my goddess, and when he ashed on my shit he looked repentant...I would now bet 4 to 1 that he doesn't overdose before age 30 (the smart money is on him getting murdered in Brazil). Since Liams is a genius of unparalelled proportions, I showered him with obsequies for a while, which made him fidgety and's not me,'s the yayo.

As for this week's job interview, I don't give a fuuck! They was just payin my ho-tel. I think I like Greene Boeuf & Lamb; their office is baller, they filmed Michael Clayton there...pret-ty Clooney dogg. Also, they have entertainment law. Lil Kim is their client - they have one of her pasties framed on the wall - and you know big momma queen bee is always dippin into trouble. Finally, it turns out insurance is fascinating: I found out that Warren Buffett - "the baller of Omaha" - made his fortune off a little company called "geico"

These days, however, I don't give a fuuck more generally. J'en ai marre des two weeks I leave for Marseille - "the armpit of Provence" - where Katie and I will discuss death, the VAT, and antioxidants as she feeds me pomegranates from the souk, grain by grain, on the steps of the old cathedral. From up there, you can't see the dirty shithole parts and Marseille is nothing but water and creamy beige...delightfoo.

Elle me manque, la France. I miss stealing from Monoprix with impunity. I miss my chemisier. I miss the phone numbers, which are mnemonically optimized for ease of memorization. Even the country code is a mnemonic (Patrick Ewing/Jesus). I don't remember my old French cell phone number, but it ended with 69 69. French numbers also use a lot of 41, 42, 43, 44...these are easy to remember because they remind us of those pregnant years of global conflagration when all Europe was engaged - as historians would undoubtedly argue - in total war.

During those mirthless years, Baba remembers American soldiers handing out chewing gum by the garrison. He would run after the soldiers along with the other little Jews, yelling yankee yankee chewing gum! When they got a piece, they would chew it until the flavor ran out, then reflavor it with plums and sour cherries - or whatever they could get their hands on, probably - and chew it again and again. He was 8 years old. By 15, he had moved to Tehran and was hustlin.

Me, I am 8 + 8 + 8 plus a penny...add that shit up. And I have never worked a day in my gravest responsibility is to drink my silica in the morning and sometimes - albeit rarely - I don't even do that.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Failed blog ideas

- Elephant/Simon Weisenthal "Never Forgets"

- Rod lookalike with black card: "And what does it get me?! Nothing my friend!"

- Yayds (AIDS from a nosebleed from sharing yayo)

Monday, October 22, 2007

My cock is in fire

Ma tante Marguerite avait dix ans de moins que ma mère et comptait par consequent vingt-six ans; mais comme elle avait vécu dans une tranquillité de coeur très profonde, elle était très bien conservée et semblait une jeune fille. Ma nudité semblait lui faire beaucoup d’impression, car chaque fois qu’elle me baignait, elle ne me parlait que d’une voix flûtée.

Une fois qu’elle m’avait fortement savonné et rincé, sa main frôla mon petit vit. Elle la retira brusquement, comme si elle avait touché un serpent. Je m’en apercus et lui dis avec un peu de dépit: “Gentille petite tante chérie, pourquoi ne laves-tu plus tout entier ton Roger?”

Elle rougit beaucoup, et me dit d’une voix mal assurée: “Mais je t’ai lavé tout entier!”

“Allons donc, ma petite tante, lave aussi ma quéquette.”

“Fi! le vilain garçon! Tu peux bien la laver toi-même.”

“Non ma tante, je t’en prie lave-la toi-même. Je ne sais pas le faire comme toi.”

“Oh! le polisson!” dit ma tante en souriant et, reprenant l’éponge, elle lava soigneusement mon vit et mes couilles. Bangin!

“Viens, ma petite tante,” dis-je, “laisse-moi t’embrasser pour la peine que tu as été si gentille.” Et je l’embrassai sur sa jolie bouche, rouge comme une cerise et ouverte sur de belles dents saines et appétissantes.

“C’est assez, Roger, tu n’es plus un petit garçon. Dorénavant, tu te baigneras seul.”

“Oh non! ma petite tante, je t’en prie, pas seul. Tu dois me baigner. Quand c’est toi qui le fais ça me produit beaucoup plus de plaisir que lorsque c’est ma mère.”

“Habille-toi, Roger!”

“Sois gentille, ma tante, baigne-toi aussi une fois avec moi!”


“Tante, si tu ne veux pas te baigner, je dirai à papa que tu as de nouveau pris ma quéquette en bouche.”

Ma tante rougit brusquement. En effet, elle l’avait vraiment fait, mais seulement un moment. C’était un jour que je n’avais pas envie de me baigner. L’eau de la baignoire était trop froide et je m’étais sauvé dans ma chambre. Ma tante m’y avait suivi et, comme nous étions seuls, elle m’avait caressé et finalement avait pris mon petit vit en bouche où ses lèvres l’avaient serré un moment.

Sunday, October 21, 2007


"Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but I have to take medication before we take off, and I can't take it on an empty stomach, so could I please have two bags of Terra Blues and four bottles of water?"

I don't actually have to take medication, unless you count silica as medication...and I prefer to take silica on an empty stomach. I do this routine on every flight 1) To make the other passengers jealous, and demonstrate to them that I am a VIP, 2) I'm madd haangry, and 3) cause I'm bossy. The man-stewardess-homosexual was compliant, although he gave me a suspicious look.

A couple hours into the flight I got thirsty for some liquor. I was bored, and Bravo was waiting on me to drink two Glenlivets before they put on Eddie Murphy Raw. I went back to the stewardess mengs...sorry, you are on medication, so I can't serve you alcohol. Ohh la! He said it with a shit-eating grin like he had me in a Catch-22...but he don't know me. I didn't say a word, I just fetched my bottle of silica and put it in his grill.

"This is the medication. Silica. It's for balding...and nails."

I downed the Glenlivets, but it was a red-eye and DirecTV was uncooperative. Bravo was playing Dr. Bosley's art of hair restoration, which I watched for a couple of hours, but - alas - without the ardor of my pre-silica days.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Ara inch beses?

Ara ara! I parked my BMW on PCH last Saturday in the 'boo and some asshole sideswiped my car while I was in the ocean. Hit and run, straight up. My baby.

Since that cute little lizard fucker convinced me to get geico - save some money - I was paying for it myself. When have I transgressed, oh Lord? Not a big deal, not a big deal. Lord?

Silence from the heavens, comme d'habitude...but honestly, I wasn't even that upset, I had just spent two hours in the ocean, feelin salty, and the world had the volume turned down a little bit - as the ocean is wont to turn it. Besides, I've got a few bills now, I don't need no lizard.

I drove through the canyon still wet, afraid to dry myself, and got some looks from the sushi mengs at Woodland Hills WhoFo...he was a Japanese FOB, he saw the salt crystals on my face and licked his lips like he was bout to cut me up and feed 9 pieces Persian sashimi to the salmon.

Then I went to Encino like a little bitch, to see what Baba had to say. He gave me the always-pay-for-full-coverage lecture - which I tuned out and thought about sex - followed by the address of an Armenian chop shop in Glendale: ask for Hovek Sarkissian. Hovek inch beses? Mama kewn kewnam!

I ditched work after lunch on Thursday - really, I only went for lunch, there's bomb-ass attorney lunch on Thursdays, this week was Thai - and took the 110 to Glendale so Hovek could hook it up. I get off at San Fernando Road...fuck, I forgot the address! Not a big deal, right? How many chop shops could there possibly be on this one little road in Glendale?

A: A grip! Glendale is chop shop city; any middle-eastern guy who's not Jewish would know that! I stopped in one, Verizon bodyshop. Hovek? No. You know Hovek? I think so.

So I drove to the next one, Horizon bodyshop.

But Horizon bodyshop, it seems, was no bodyshop at all. I was only there for two minutes. I stepped in the "office" and saw a placard: "Know your rights! Employees have a right to:

- Minimum wage compensation
- A safe work environment
- Restroom facilities

and so on. To the right of the placard was a curtain and a hum. I pulled the curtain aside and saw at least fifty pairs of Armenian womens' puppydog eyes look up from sewing machines to stare at me in unison. What are they sewing? Damn that one to the left is blazin...

"Hov-," I started...naw I'm fucking around. I left immediately, I was scared, plus I could tell I was making them nervous. At least somebody was being productive at work...they weren't even on facebook! Did they think I was a cop? Did they want me to be a cop? Why doesn't the cute one just marry Hovek, have some babies?

On my way back to my car I saw the break room. Black-haired women with meaty forearms smoked, chatted, and ate leftovers. Damn, Armenian-themed attorney lunch...that would be dooope.