Alexis Ohanian Will Get Popped For Dating Serena WIlliams
My belly rumbles the message to you Wendy:
If there's one thing they teach us over at Yale University, it is to PENETRATE and not be penetrated. Even the girls learn this.
- you start NYU, every month either I visit or you visit
Tom Lehman is a living, breathing Whole Foods - all I want to do is steal his shit!
is a skinny girlfriend under 25 that doesn't eat dairy or gluten, doesn't smoke with an active social media presence who went to an elite school and speaks foreign languages and shaves her box working in art or fashion or tech with different colored hair and eyes who has rich parents - is that REALLY so much to ask??
Not sure if it is because I take Chinese herbs or because I bake the living shit out of my forehead with the S4 sunroof open every day at noon. Still some crispy bumps but nothing swollen or too pimply.
"We are sooo far from me coming to Shabbat, trust me..."
SCENE: Ralphs of Utah (they call it "Smith's")
Mike Naboddy: Dogg, you can't just offer a girl coke. You have to feel around.
I have no doubt I would have fucked
LITTLE JUSTIN: Mahbod... are you still going out with...that blonde girl?
- "Now what do I know? I just sell stocks for a living, but... (bla bla bla internet doomed to fail)" (ACTUALLY A TRADER AT GOLDMAN SACHS HONG KONG)
Girls have a lot of reasons for not wanting to fuck the BENEFICENT Allah. Some of the most oft-heard:
My first anxiety phantom limb was the shooting pain in my elbow during Academic Decathlon. I thought that my arm was going to fall off. Brain quiz would make it go nuts.
I was wandering around aimlessly last night when my friend Esphawnee called to invite me and Ben N. to an Esphawnee family dinner celebrating his sister's birthday.
WHY I NEVER FEEL CLEAN IN NYC
"B is for Bibi! A is for Arafat!" - Felafel stand owner who got a "B" in health inspection
"What is the smallest container that would adequately fit the compressed ashes from all 6 million Jews burned in the Holocaust?"
Hey Rap genius,
BEST PARTS ABOUT LIVING AT 184 KENT DEATH STAR VORTEX
Kate Riley or Karl Lagerfeld.
Katie: You only think about working out! The only thing you care about is working out!
A lady at the Hoaf today was like "soft-skinned fruits have to be organic, because the pesticides - they kill fungus! - and they seep in! Your food is killing living things!"
Shared some basil with Matt aka "Lobsters & Cocaine" tonight.. he's moved into my old room chez Luther in order to feel guilted into losing weight. (It's working!)
(SCENE: Rap Genius HQ, East Village, NYC)
- You have a tattoo (EXCEPTIONS: 1. Numbers from the Holocaust 2. Anything really cute)
[To the tune of Gucci Mane's "Never Too Much Money"]
1. So are you girls into theory?
- Make my thighs look fat?
I was talking to a Persian Dentist Friend of mine today about the historic health care bill; he filled me in on what "le monde dentale" thinks about the legislation.
10. Am I wearing tighter pants than you?
They say that money doesn't make a man...so I've decided to return the favor. As the Germans say, "if you love your arbeit set it frei"
DATE: May 31, 2009
TO: Ballstate Insurance Company
FROM: The Beneficent Allah
RE: Likely Candidates for Earth Inheritance
You have asked me to analyze which species has a "more-likely-than-not" probability of Inheriting the Earth ("Inheritance"), and the ramifications of said Inheritance on the Life and P+C insurance industries.
Although a fungal Inheritance is a reasonable market assumption, insects and several probiotic species are potential rivals whose chances of success should be contemplated.
A. Fungus and Probiotics
In addition to the beauty of mushrooms, fungi provide a critical part of nature's continuous rebirth by recycling dead organic matter into useful nutrients. However, although credit market conditions have temporarily grounded certain parasitic fungi, notable fungologists have argued that the parasite is arguably the future's fungus.
The fruit of Basidiomycota is the mover to watch. Many mushrooms in this phylum look like umbrellas growing from the ground or like shelves growing on wood. The latticed stinkhorn, in particular, has seen an unprecedented era of caloric devlopment and could emerge from the market freeze as a leader.
The Meek are unlikely to Inherit the Earth.
Insects are currently going through what is referred in financial theory as a "molting cycle." Deep insect divisons are currently taking place on a cellular level and cells are most sensitive to "vorm" when they are dividing. (This is why vorm therapy is effective in treating cancer.)
The so-called "Molting Diversion" presents a serious threat to continued insectual dominance, making the insect an unwise investment focus for the time being.
Based on the above, I recommend that fungal policies be routinely analyzed as part of the actuarial data analysis process, as well as the appointment of a "Chief of Fungal Marketing" in the New York office.
NY Bar: "Oh, walk through Hell's Kitchen! Pull-ups on the jungle gym! I find the squalor so romantic...I should blog this...quel artiste! I have to wear a wristband overnight like in Nazi times! MmmmMMMmm!!"
(Scene: A and/or the bar...Any bar)
I passed the moral character and fitness requirements and I'm really a lawyer now, swear to bob. It was easy, you just need to do 20 pull-ups, 10 min. erg and some precor...
This blog is heretofore devoted to subtle memes. Let's set us off:
Living in New York makes me want to steal. Katie steals grapes. I stole grilled portobello from work yesterday - just walked out the cafeteria like whoa, not even any art to it - and today I stole nori from the Hoaf. We both steal the wsj, usually either from Bethany Thomas in our building or Thierry Vincent over at 13 E. 18th st. (conveniently on the way to the Hoaf)...I've never met these people, but if you haven't picked up your wsj by noon then I already have a Thierry about you: you're gay.
Post work hydrative Recessionary Sambar of Occidation (serves 1):
- La Peral (Asturias, Northern Spain) Pasteurized Cow: The handiwork of a single producer, La Peral is - for most of the year - a pasteurized cow's milk cheese; from January to May sheep's milk may be added. It was created about 80 years ago by an Asturian dairyman who lived to be 106. The ivory interior is veined moderately blue-gray; weeps moisture at room temperature.
Yesterday I received an envelope containing a mysterious white powder...yayo? anthrax?
(all times P.M.)
Beneficent Allah is applying to business school, and they want to know...things. Being rich in text, I don't have a problem with that. But there's one question I can't answer:
We passed a depot-vente today and they had some nice costumes in the window, including a tux, and a crimson robe with leopard trim:
(scene: Hotel Vitale, San Francisco)
In Paris I keep a rigid economy...but for philosophical reasons. I keep 2000 euros in my sock but I spend only on turnips and fruits, and the occasional artichoke if Katie's been a good girl.
Hey just got an e-mail from The "Actual" Rod! he's in Cambodge...I'm visiting in 6 weeks:
Juelz or Paul Kennedy.
Everybody eats, ok? Marwan eats pasta and Romain has a noontime éclair. Katie sits at German cafes and eats books, dressed in a gown of linen and rhomboid lace.
April is the cruelest month
Shit...everybody be callin me, facebook msgin me like, "so when you gonna blog bout France killa??"
(Today in hallway)
10:00 - 11:00: wake up in sound-proof chamber, snuggle
It faces west, and round the back and sides
hay mahbod khaneh gol I love you and we missed you last night at the hannukah party. janis got you a gift, so it will be waiting for you when you get back, that reminds me what would you want for your graduation gift, other than a patek phillip watch, anything affordable by us? let me know when you think about it, love you, hope you are having fun in vienna. your loving sis mojgan
My apartment in Vienna is the ballerest place I have ever lived, with high ceilings and a heated towel rack. The building was a Hapsburg hôtel particulier, one of the eagle's heads is peeking into my window...it's starin at me dogg.
"Actually do you have a smoking room available?"
- Elephant/Simon Weisenthal "Never Forgets"
Ma tante Marguerite avait dix ans de moins que ma mère et comptait par consequent vingt-six ans; mais comme elle avait vécu dans une tranquillité de coeur très profonde, elle était très bien conservée et semblait une jeune fille. Ma nudité semblait lui faire beaucoup d’impression, car chaque fois qu’elle me baignait, elle ne me parlait que d’une voix flûtée.
"Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but I have to take medication before we take off, and I can't take it on an empty stomach, so could I please have two bags of Terra Blues and four bottles of water?"
Ara ara! I parked my BMW on PCH last Saturday in the 'boo and some asshole sideswiped my car while I was in the ocean. Hit and run, straight up. My baby.