Hairplane

"Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but I have to take medication before we take off, and I can't take it on an empty stomach, so could I please have two bags of Terra Blues and four bottles of water?"

I don't actually have to take medication, unless you count silica as medication...and I prefer to take silica on an empty stomach. I do this routine on every flight 1) To make the other passengers jealous, and demonstrate to them that I am a VIP, 2) I'm madd haangry, and 3) cause I'm bossy. The man-stewardess-homosexual was compliant, although he gave me a suspicious look.

A couple hours into the flight I got thirsty for some liquor. I was bored, and Bravo was waiting on me to drink two Glenlivets before they put on Eddie Murphy Raw. I went back to the stewardess mengs...sorry, you are on medication, so I can't serve you alcohol. Ohh la! He said it with a shit-eating grin like he had me in a Catch-22...but he don't know me. I didn't say a word, I just fetched my bottle of silica and put it in his grill.

"This is the medication. Silica. It's for balding...and nails."

I downed the Glenlivets, but it was a red-eye and DirecTV was uncooperative. Bravo was playing Dr. Bosley's art of hair restoration, which I watched for a couple of hours, but - alas - without the ardor of my pre-silica days.