Sunday, August 23, 2009

Vork Product

They say that money doesn't make a I've decided to return the favor. As the Germans say, "if you love your arbeit set it frei"

As a dernier thug life I decided to post my final billable memo. (Keeping the client secret but hint: rhymes with "Ballstate")


DATE: May 31, 2009

TO: Ballstate Insurance Company

FROM: The Beneficent Allah

RE: Likely Candidates for Earth Inheritance

I. Introduction

You have asked me to analyze which species has a "more-likely-than-not" probability of Inheriting the Earth ("Inheritance"), and the ramifications of said Inheritance on the Life and P+C insurance industries.

II. Facts

Although a fungal Inheritance is a reasonable market assumption, insects and several probiotic species are potential rivals whose chances of success should be contemplated.

A. Fungus and Probiotics

In addition to the beauty of mushrooms, fungi provide a critical part of nature's continuous rebirth by recycling dead organic matter into useful nutrients. However, although credit market conditions have temporarily grounded certain parasitic fungi, notable fungologists have argued that the parasite is arguably the future's fungus.

The fruit of Basidiomycota is the mover to watch. Many mushrooms in this phylum look like umbrellas growing from the ground or like shelves growing on wood. The latticed stinkhorn, in particular, has seen an unprecedented era of caloric devlopment and could emerge from the market freeze as a leader.

B. Meek

The Meek are unlikely to Inherit the Earth.

C. Insects

Insects are currently going through what is referred in financial theory as a "molting cycle." Deep insect divisons are currently taking place on a cellular level and cells are most sensitive to "vorm" when they are dividing. (This is why vorm therapy is effective in treating cancer.)

The so-called "Molting Diversion" presents a serious threat to continued insectual dominance, making the insect an unwise investment focus for the time being.

III. Recommendation

Based on the above, I recommend that fungal policies be routinely analyzed as part of the actuarial data analysis process, as well as the appointment of a "Chief of Fungal Marketing" in the New York office.