Remix

Outside rice paper inside 'shimi
Seven days of the week, seven different chemises

Vorks Deuce

My car service driver to lunch today was a crazy Russian man, who was very, very pissed about how short of a distance we'd ordered a car for. But 6th ave. traffic calmed him, and he told some funny jokes:

Q: I have a joke, one word.
A: Communism!

Q: My neighbor asked me how I am doing.
A: Ask me when you see my mortgage!

Q: Husband and wife in bed together. He says, "Honey do you love me?" "Yes" "Are you angry with me?" "No"

"OK, get off!"

The last one was my favorite, reminds me of sex with my ex-girlfriend. Obviously, these were only funny in a thick Russian accent; use your imagination! Communism!

Speaking of Communism, I saw my ex-girlfriend at Whole Foods on Sunday. I go upstairs to the food court and see this sexy little Asian thing sitting there; she matched my sashimi. Im like, "Ooh, sexy little Asiangs...let's go have lunch with her..." I sat right next to her!

Needless to say, the sexy little Asian, she was no Asian at all. She got up, threw away her 75% uneaten salad, and left in a huff. I didn't realize who it was until she was halfway down the stairs, and I didn't say a word...I sat back down and ate my sashimi in silence. I never saw her face; I only know it was her from her dress and her necklace.

Mickey come baaaack! This whole desperately in need of some stranger's hand in a desperate land thing...it does me no good. I'm too sketchy to be single. I just got off the phone with the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life. I'm not just saying that. Two weeks ago, I was walking past a bar to meet Burt, and in line I saw the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life - Vickiesque, but 100x better. Lately, every girl I see (and I think this is typical in ny) I try to use my inner brain to distort their face according to its uglinesses...I can do this with most anyone. This girl, undistortable. She was flawless. And she was staring at me. I went over and asked if she would pretend that she's my friend, so I could cut in line. That got a giggle. Her name is Elana, she works at Nicole Miller for the summer, she started work last Tuesday, and goes to U Va...now you know everything I know. This was two weeks ago.

She went into the bar with 3 big, douchy, U Vaish guys, and the bouncer stopped at me. I didn't see her again.

On Tuesday, with the encouragement of Ben Levi - male model numero uno - I decided to get freaky freaky. I looked up the Nicole Miller internship hotline on Google, called, and asked for Elana. Thug life.

"Oh! Elayna! Lovely girl, staated today, right? You a friend?"

Bitch put me through no problem.

"Hello?"
"Elana, hi, its Matt. You don't really know me, but listen, today was your first day at work, and that's a big deal, and I felt strangely compelled to invite you to dinner. To celebrate."

Obviously, no dice. But she remembered me. She got my number, and didn't call.

Or maybe she did! My phone's been broken all week!

So today, I call again, I ask for Elana.

"Oh! Elayna! One sec, I'll get 'er. You know we're having a big big show here tomorrow!"
"Really? I'd love to attend, I need a new black dress..."

"Hello?"
"Elana, hi, its Matt again. Listen...today was the one-week anniversary of your first day at work, and that's a big deal, and I felt strangely compelled to invite you to dinner. To celebrate."

Obviously, no dice. She said she'd call me after work, but she thinks, "this is a little weird." I agree.

I tried to sound like Hugh Grant over the phone...closest I got was Dodi al-Fayyed, and that is being generous. Bengina says I should've used the phrase "thug life" somewhere in there, and that would've clinched it...you live and learn.

Oh, ma vie. It's like Harvard all over again, deferred then rejected.

Luckily, I have a lunch date with Yale next week, at the Conde Nast cafeteria. Maria works at Glamour for the summer - same building as me - and lives a block away from me on w 10th st...doable, right? She is, quite arguably, the second-most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life. I'm not just saying that.

I met her at Whole Foods; I complimented her handbag.

Top 10 failed Whole Foods pickup lines:

10. So what do you steal from Whole Foods? I always eat as much chicken as I can in line so I don't have to pay.

9. Buying the peeled carrots makes me feel effeminate.

8. Excuse me, what is the best vegetable?

7. So can you believe Wal-Mart is trying to step into the organic game?

6. Are you allergic to gluten too? (in the rice cake section)

5. Nice...Fiji is the ballinest water. (as she reaches for a Fij)

4. So what criteria are most important to you in selecting an heirloom tomato?

3. Can I have your ginger?

2. Do you ever wonder why all leaves don't taste like basil?

1. Hey, my name is Matt. What's your name?